strength.

“When God is your greatest weakness,
you will be the strongest person in the world.”

-Anon

this is my personal life quote.

——-

Number 6:

‘Friends Forever‘ is just a sticker you give your friend when you were seven so she’d give you her candy
Friends do last forever. However, in that ‘forever’ period, sometimes, you talk only after two years of not talking. You still fall out. Then you make up. But things are different, as much as you want it to stay the same. You guys are still friends. Maybe I’d invite you to my wedding but maybe not to my hen party (Kononnya US version). Friends. That word is just too general. You might narrow it down to close friend, friend who you call to have a laugh, friend whom you text happy new year to every year. Those are friends. And it is as ‘forever’ as it can get. So, accept it.

- copyrights wholly belongs to Fi ;)

——–

deconstructing self, disengaging real-self from blog-self;

once again, once again, once again-

who am i?

Truth Is A Stranger.

you want to know a secret?

truthfully, i just don’t trust you when it comes to that.

——–

it took me 7 months for what took others a month or so-

this thing called adjusting.

but 7 is a lucky number and people adapt at different paces so ’tis okay.

——–

so the boys were in their usual group, fooling around and talking to each other-

N: Can I interrupt? Sorry. I want to ask you guys about [insert event names] – did any of you guys go?

so i was talking to one of them and the other one- also my good friend really but typically full of lame jokes- butt in and started saying incoherent jokes and whatnot… sorry man, but i didn’t get any of it.

what came next though, suprised even myself because i never meant to sound so harsh.

N: You know, you can tell your stupid jokes to anyone else- but me.

(one of the other guys): Wow, stupid jokes!

it was a good thing they’re all so good-natured in general so they took it lightly, but i did notice that split of a second when everyone was caught off-guard by my reply, even myself – they’ve never seen this part of me and i thought i had lost it too.

well.

welcome back, N?

haphazard.

the truth is, couples make me want to barf- literally.

——-

the fact is,

LIFE IS NOT A DRAMA.

why do people keep thinking it’s the end of the world when hardship comes by?

and i don’t mean poverty or hunger or war sort of hardship-but actual minuscule issues, really.

it’s not The End whenever something bad happens cos hey you know what?

someone else will always be in worse deep s*** than you are.

so “Hey Jude, don’t carry the world on your shoulder.”

life goes on anyway, with or without drama.

barenaked.

(slightly edited- or rather, added)

“You know she told me, ‘we should do a get together… before everyone go their separate ways.’ You know what struck me when I hear that? NO, NO. I AIN’T GOING. EVER. But I replied her, ‘yeah we’ll see…’ It’s funny you know, cos no matter how big a role or not they played in the past for me, seeing them always makes me feel insecure because I would feel like how much nothing’s changed. That I haven’t changed but they all do- all looking and seemingly so much better than they were.”

sometimes it’s like hearing a song you’d associated with in the past, sometimes it’s about finding old trinklets and litttle notes given to you back then, sometimes it’s about reading again the old journals or previous entries in this space, sometimes it’s when you talk about it over lunch with close girlfriends and sometimes, it’s about just plain coincidentally banging into a person from a specific past you never wish to go back to.

yeah, talk about the past and funnily, it does come back.

but all the same, i wish these ugly parts of the past would stop chasing after me.

——-

so it’s 6pm, i’m watching Music Bank – the live performances music show for the KPop scene- and then it was 7.15pm and Eldest Bro came upstairs to watch TV before Maghrib prayer was aired;

“I’m watching. Hehe.”

“Alaaa tak bestnya Korean (show) ni. Seoul pun not really.”

then minutes later, THE one i wanted to watch finally appeared:

yeah, a 13-member boyband whom i’ve got no idea their names or whatever, just that particular song of theirs i LOVE.

so they’re dancing (way better than NEWS, no offense!) and going all catchy-like, “Sorry Sorry;” …

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??!”

ohhh malunyaaa!

1:16AM confessions.

it kind of feels like i’m jumping ship to another JE boyband …but nay nay nay, i’ll stay on with NEWS still for the time being ha ha ha.

——–

can we ever revert time, turn back so that our past can be erased?

so the people whom we’d met in the past, we could pretend we never knew them and how much- not matter how insignificant they were in our memories- they can still leave us feeling as if we’re 7, 9, 12, 13…?

there’s a reason why i’m not on Facebook-land.

——–

she was the girl i grew up with, probably the real childhood bestfriend- the one i’d shared countless late-night Maggie bowls with and talking till 3am when we were kids, the one who knew almost all my secrets, the one who slept next to me everytime we could and never complained about how loud i snore…

then she left high school, a year before i did.

and it kind of feels like everything changed since then.

so a year later, i left high school too.

“I didn’t know you’re in college already you know. When did you start?”

but i clearly remember telling her about this, night of my birthday.

growing up is a funny thing- when we were kids, we dreamt of all sorts of things for ourselves and about sticking together despite everything that will happen but really, we forget to take into account this:

what if it’s us who changed?

because this is what happens and as we chase different dreams now, we’re turning into different girls with different outlooks and personalities when compared to who we were back then.

like with other people, i stopped texting Hi; i don’t know how to reconnect.

i want to tell you, hey cousin, i miss you like hell.

but i don’t know how.

i still have hope though- that once we’re done differentiating into the girls we’re meant to be… hopefully we’ll be mature enough to pick up where we’d last left off, years ago.

but still, hey cousin, you know… i really miss you like hell.

Departures.

because of what’s been a very crazy (read: stressful) week, i was adamant to ciao early from college today and head over to the usual mall with Second Sis to finally catch that Oscar-winning Japanese movie, Departures or its Japanese-title, Okuriburito.

it was a long one- reaching 2 and a half hours- and as always is the case, there were only 5 people altogether in the cinema (including us) but yes, i’m happy i kept up with the long wait for it and took the effort to get there (RM8 cab ride with probably the world’s safest pak cik teksi driving at 40km/h!) because Departures is FANTASTIC.

okay, maybe in a way it wasn’t all too huu-haa but being a staunch fan of the Japanese life-themed dramas, this really felt like one- there’s that awesome scenery, the reflective mood made apparent with the narration, the love story and the reminder of what being alive and dead are all about, sort of.

but in a way, the fact that they won an Oscar for this- a movie that’s yeah, like a condensed version of the typical dramas i watch- makes me happy because finally some international recognition for the Japanese heartfelt ways in tackling with a theme and presenting them beautifully on film!

so kudos really to Okuriburito, it was touching and thought-provoking- but not without some funny moments to lighten the mood.

watch it, people! :)

——–

i’ve said this in the past, i’ll say it again today:

i ain’t nobody’s punchbag.

i want to be there for you, but you’re making it very difficult.

——–

everyone in the house (girls, minus Jat but plus my cousins) are practically going crazy over Boys Before Flowers too!

it’s like Goong all over again, haha!

“Wish I Could Go Back (& Tell Myself What I Know Now);”

this is what i texted Fi:

Hidup ni memang ironic.

in case you need an English translation (since i’ve a Brit reader now hehe) here goes:

Life sure is ironic.

…so let’s rewind, let me share with you what happened today-

so its been a crazy week- a few crazy weeks really- and i’ve been trying to hold on and keep pushing on but even i know it myself, i’m so close to the breaking point.

from yesterday i had been feeling crazy- working on finishing the microecons assignment due today, practicing Physics tutorial for test 2 today and then the debate practice at 6pm – which no surprises again, i sucked.

Ms M: Confidence Jane! Self-esteem! You learned that last semester!

yeah i had all of that last year, did you know that?

but this is the present- hell, i’m a different person now.

when i finally got home at 10pm (big family, lots of other errands) and all i’d wanted was a good shower, ohh what are the odds that out of all the time the water company wants to do maintenance work, it had to be last night?

there wasn’t even a drop when i turned the tap.

then i woke up at 7.30AM today to continue revising for the test at 10am (after finally giving in at 1AM) but even sitting for it, i could feel this lethargic feeling and later when i went for Microecons class and gotten back my (not so good) mid-term paper…

i broke down.

yeah, i can’t (or rather, failed) manage to own all of the cake and eat it too.

i didn’t eat since 10am and Thursday being my crazy 6 hours-straight day, before heading home i stopped at BK for that awesome beefacon and chilled for half hour- but if only i had rode the bus straight, i wouldn’t find myself, 45 minutes later, completely drenched and cold.

talk about not being able to shower.

and what’s more ironic than in saying that it had to be today, the day i’d forgotten to bring my umbrella, that the bus stopped way further than usual so i had to walk an extra 500m in the glory of rainwater and thunder, with lots of drivers looking at me weird or plain honking.

pick me up and send me home then, why don’t you?

just as i was about to hail a cab, Mum called- “the house alarm is sounding right now, someone tried to break in. Are you home?”- and ahh add fear to my list, i stayed at the bus stop till she called again to say Eldest Bro is home and Alhamdulillah, everything’s still okay.

sometimes i think, can a bad day get any worse?

but yeap, it sure can.

honestly i’m sad to quit debates- not only had i committed my two months, but i’d also genuinely enjoyed what part of joy i could claim from it- but in a way it came down to a matter of what’s more important?

it was totally uncool though, how i’d told Ms K-

“uhm Miss, about the debates, I’m so sorry-” (my voice is getting softer and shaky now) “-but I think I’ve to quit. I can’t handle the pressure, I’m so stressed right now and-” (and this is the part where tears started to threaten to fall) “-I can’t give up more time for the next two weeks. I got my tests results today and they weren’t so good.”

of course this is a coherent version you’re getting cos honestly? i could barely even finish my sentences, i wanted to cry so badly.

HOW UNCOOL IS IT TO STILL BE LIKE THIS IN COLLEGE?

what i really wanted to say was that i’d always been someone who commit to something i’d decided to till the very end but i just can’t hang onto this anymore and i know there’s only two weeks left so i’m really, sincerely sorry to be pulling out so suddenly and only now.

sighhh, but like in Microecons (one of the few things i could actually get cos honestly, i’m not getting the hang of all this supply and demand stuff) -

“Opportunity cost is what you give up to get something else.”

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh;

it’s been a terrible week and i still have to stay awake tonight for THREE Calculus II tutorial practices that’s due tomorrow.

…but i’m a good person. i’ve got good faith.

yes like i’d told Fi, i’ll soldier on.

maybe there is no full stop -

…when it comes to you, to this friendship, to this family, to this drama, to this past, this present, this future …this everything.

——–

the best lunch date yesterday with my old girls- Manda, Gie & Sha (a shame that Stefan couldn’t join us… your break cacat timing la woman!) -

“…So where’s Kinky now?”

“College in Banting, I told you already remember?”

(notices Sha and Gie looking strangely)

“Oh, that’s Fi. Manda calls her that. Manda’s Bimbo to Fi.”

HAHAHAHA.

“Prefect Install is on the 31st. Let’s go?”

(looks at me weirdly)

“What, it’s lame?”

(all) “Yeah Jane, that’s so lame!”

“But I kind of wanna go…”

then later,

“Gie, why don’t you eat this fried rice?”

“Cos she likes hot stuff!”

and maybe sometime before that…

“Oh that girl was my very good friend in primary. I had this whole friendship drama thing in standard 6- oh man, I know I know I’ve got a lot of drama-”

“Yeahhh, the girl with all the drama!”

technically Sha, i’m not – cos i do know other (or of other) ‘wilder’ Drama Queens but in a way yeah i’ve got to cut down the drama, isn’t it? ;p

anyway, it’s only after having left something good that one realizes how good things really were, no?

but i’m not sorry- i’m just glad for the present, for the us now.

———

today i had lunch with the college mates at Subang Parade, my first driving-out lunch (so fun!) and i’m hoping it’s not my last-

i do wonder, if i do leave early, will they remember me?

but most importantly really, is why do i even care?

———

it occurred to me that up until 6 months ago, i have probably always been loud, bossy and annoying.

so you know what?

i’m GLAD i’m quieter now.

——–

I’m (or probably was now) the noisiest girl and isn’t it ironic that i’m crushing on probably the quietest boy in class?

ha ha ha.

dysfunctional.

in a way, to put it in a word, that’s what this family is:

dysfunctional.

but in another way, another word, it ought to be this:

blessed.

Eldest Bro is back home from his Paris+London week-long trip and being the selfless brother he is, got everyone something expensive (anyone knows the brand Longchamp? that’s my new wallet and i know it must be a Big Brand but i’ve never heard of it!) – then later, i went with Mum to send food to The Other Doc In The House who’s on-call tonight and after that, dropped Second Sis at her dorm since her new semester starts tomorrow.

i came home and saw the new family portrait- the one we took about a month ago?- and it hit me just then, how much we’ve all really grown – in a way it’s kind of duhhh, since i AM the youngest and i’m already 18- but you know that feeling, it’s almost sad but at the same time, of acceptance.

how long can one stay in a cocoon of comfort zone right?

obviously, would we even want to really?

sometimes it scares me a lot, these bunch of ch-ch-changes that 2009 has bring thus far- we all know 2010 will be a whole other load- so can we still let things stay the same amidst everything around us (and ourselves) which are changing?

i saw the family portrait and realized then that maybe i don’t see it now, yet, but hopefully 5 or 10 or so years from now we’ll look back at that one and i’ll say, “ahhh back when i was 18…” and maybe one of my sisters will go, “yeah and Kel and KD (our nephews) were only 4 and 2. Look at them now,” and who knows maybe someone will say, “Eldest Sis at graduation, she’s come a long way now,” and maybe someone else will say “where’s Jat now? Haha look at her, still the same.”

or maybe we’ll all end up teaching, like our parents.

i know life constantly surprises us- or is it really Him i’m talking about?- that the paths we’d chosen, dreamt about, planned and hoped for don’t always turn into the ones we step into and live (those who do are very, very blessed) but imagining, hoping, praying and longing for them now is okay-

like i’ve said before, at least for me, at the end of everything what truly matters is that we know, we can come back home to one another.

i really hope this doesn’t change.

I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker (With Flowers In My Hair).

“we can’t have what we’ve already lost.”

smartest statement i’ve come up with in a while, ha ha.

——–

i feel like i’ve known you all my life, then the most ironic feeling comes-

you’re back for good and for years that’s what i’d wanted-

yet i feel more distant than ever before from you… is it because i’m growing older and therefore in a way, separate from you?

it mind-boggles me and sometimes upsets me too, that lately, the more parts of you that’s unraveled, the more i realize that you’re really only human with imperfect flaws …flaws that’s kind of hard for me to digest.

it’s difficult to explain.

——-

how does one undo the secrets one had accidentally chanced upon?

i still hold firm with this: sometimes it’s better to just not know.

——-

(thank you for comments to the last entry- i love comments, keep them coming la :P)

am i counting my chickens before they hatch?

Dude: (said something)

N: (said something in reply)

Dude: Well, at least you got the overseas scholarship!! (rudely)

N: Yeah, after 5 failures. This had been my 5th, the last one.

Dude: …Oh. Well, congrats anyway.

yeah man, everyone has their own hardship and stories to tell;

i’m not an exception so for one, i do believe that yes i definitely deserve this, Alhamdulillah.

——-

fact: 10 overseas scholars from 4 000 applicants- i’m one of the 10.

fact: i’m their first transfer student scholar ever and the first in peninsular Malaysia to be heading off to the US of A.

fact: so far, i’m the only one who’s allowed to fly off to US- another scholar who’s pursuing the A-Levels had asked if she could apply to US later on and their answer to her? No. Weird much?

fact: they told her, “we only send students to US for geoscience.” Well, we all know my degree right? Environmental engineering, not geoscience at all.

so now you see why i am very, very fortunate?

that when i say “its all from Him,” i mean it 200%?

these are why and yes, Alhamdulillah, truly.

——

i might fly this December itself for January 2010 intake.

the thing is though, applying for January intake means totally axing out the ivy league hopes- but waiting for another year before choosing to fly off for the sake of the ivy leagues… CAN i even get in?

the time-frame or the school?

say the pick is the school- again this question arises: can i even get in?

and huu-haa all about it when i haven’t even signed the scholarship contract!

…but i can’t help but feel just a little bit disappointed and regretful.

-

why is it, almost always, when we’d gotten what we had always dreamed of having (so we claim anyway), the outcome isn’t all happy-happy-joy-joy?