I, hurt.

i realized that it is my choice, to keep this “truth” secret.

it is my choice, to want to so-called respect “them” by not saying anything about this.

but for the first time in seven years that this has been happening, i feel like a madwoman.

for the first time in this seven years, i wish i have always been brave enough to let others in on this, because right now all i feel is an eerie and unsettling feeling of loneliness within myself.

but i can’t, because honestly, it will only be the latest piece of gossip to them- then vanish like all other news.

it is not insignificant, this truth.

this truth is what truly shapes me into what and who i have become today, and i need to remember that i must not regret the choices i make when it comes down to it-

but right now, i’m finding it really hard to do so.

to be frank, i don’t know how to stomach all these “facts” in anymore.

i don’t know what to think of anything or anyone of us; its like all i feel is mental anguish.

for all these years, i keep feeling that the problem lies with you-

that i can’t talk to you anymore, as well as i’ve lost all the respect which i once had of you.

but today, i realized that my bigger issue lies not with you, but with her.

i just… cannot take this in anymore, i think.

maybe i’m selfish, refusing to understand, unwilling to pick sides- but you know what?

i just really, really cannot do this anymore.

maybe deep down, i’ve always been ashamed, somewhat.

but i think i’m beginning to realize that i’m more embarrassed over the fact that the two of you- adults in all sense- can’t seem to act maturely, instead keep turning back to 100 circles of dodging, running away, bad-mouthing and playing with excuses but never, never, wanting to mirror yourselves.

i cannot take this in anymore.

i’ve never openly spoken out loud to any of you two about how i feel regarding this matter- i learn to keep it all in, be silent and aloof because maybe i have always simply been a coward- but i feel for once, i’m about to make that right decision.

i’ve asked the personal saviour to tell you that i can’t keep hearing all this anymore.

enough is enough.

i hate that you constantly use God and Islam as your excuse when truly, you don’t understand a heck lot about religion and Allah swt if all you keep doing is saying that “it’s God’s will and way” without wanting to own up to your own faults.

and you, on the other hand, keeps on making us as your excuse-

why? WHY? WHY???

you want to tell us that we are unIslamic now, but honestly- how dare you say that??

how dare you say that we don’t know our God, our religion, who we are as Muslims when you don’t bloody know us anymore??!!

and you, if you’re so dissatisfied, then TELL IT STRAIGHT TO THAT PERSON’S FACE.

maybe i’m selfish, refusing to understand, unwilling to take sides, but you know what?

why should i, seriously?

right now i am angry, upset and overcome with an intense emotional breakdown;

and its all because of this stupid issue that keeps on arising over and over again.

its been seven years of some stupid, cheesy Malay drama-

cannot all of us, for once, grow UP and live in the now?

…i ask for forgiveness from both of you for feeling all this which i’m feeling now, but i cannot and i will not grant you of what you want.

i will not make the choice between you two, and i refuse to understand any of this.