she said, “let’s do this together.”

right now i feel like writing murder on the walls of life-

i feel like saying i think i had had enough of your constant excuse- maybe i’m selfish for not wanting to understand anymore but geez, everyone have things to do all the time, not just yourself alone.

in the end, excuses are just that: excuses.

——

where do i begin about the camp?

it was… partly enjoyable, partly stressful and definitely not what i initially had in mind- think along the lines of “happy happy, joy joy”- but all in all, i have to admit it was definitely memorable.

the unexpected start-off drama:

my bus had to be the one which had an annoying driver who splendidly drove off without my teacher- i panicked like hell because i didn’t see that coming but hey, i still ended up getting some kind of blame from one of the discipline teachers who went on and on about my (suddenly and supposedly) lack of leadership skills.

remind me again how one small “mistake” can cost so much, thanks.

but strangest thing was how after she kept breathing down my neck about my so-called lack of leadership skills, she suddenly complimented me for having always been “very responsible” in keeping the group alive and well so you know, honestly i don’t know just what to think of her anymore!

the awesomely (again, unexpected) group:

i had purposely put myself into a group with my two former partners back in form 2 and you know what? i’m really glad i did so because this had to be the touching point of this camp for me- i think the three of us were really superb when we work together and being able to make peace with the dramas of back then, now that’s a good feeling.

some of the juniors in my group, i’m happy to be able to know them better too, aha!

the favourite game:

it had to be the part where we built our own raft (okay, technically we really only tied up the bamboo sticks together but.. whatever harhar) and paddled to the middle of the sea (somewhat) to grab our group’s flag- it was amazing how coordinated all of us were as we worked our butts off in either rowing or shouting moral supports that you know, the fact we came first was really no big deal compared to the thrill we had enjoyed in each others’ companies.

the special moment:

we had planned this for months- celebrating the close friend’s (that is, one of the two former partners) sweet 16 (yup, she’s a year younger) birthday in camp and what do you know? i missed out on the Surprise! part thanks to a wrong distressed message from a particular junior which had me having to follow teacher to supposedly settle the matter instead of being able to join in on the screamfest.

at least all’s good in the end because hey, us form 5s still managed to have a Senior’s Night Out :)

the friends:

what else can i say about them other than that they’re awesome and we had each others’ backs at all times? i think the 6 of us are well with each other and that’s kind of sweet, dontcha think? …but my form 5 batch had a cute and fun moment too, when we spent our free time in the field on the second day playing old primary school games like Pepsi Cola, Ice & Fire (or was it water? ;)) and Chicken & Fox!

the closing:

i love my form 4 juniors now, truly- they pranked us Top 3 in revenge cos J and I scared them off the night before by telling them teachers wanted to meet them for scolding when it was already past midnight- and they managed to get our discipline teacher to be involved with the “Gotcha!” and had me dumbfounded then and there among the other 95 prefects.

that was a good one, kiddos ;)

 

right now i’m also wondering, why the hell did i type all these up for?

but ahh, i’m finished anyway and even if yes, there were lots of hiccups in this particular camp- it didn’t help, the fact that i kept comparing this one with the camp 2 years back since it was done by the same supervisors- i think by the end of it all, everyone sincerely did learn a thing or two (or even more!) but most importantly, we managed to break down the barriers of the whole senior-junior hierarchy thing a little (or slightly more), i think.

this morning all of us who came (still, 27 absent prefects!) were all tired and aching all over, but we had cute and happy smiles to one another- be it seniors or juniors- because hey, we know each other a little more now and this has got to be the worthiest thing about camp :)

…now, the countdown begins: 3 more months and it’ll be goodbye.

coming full circle.

it’s the last of the last prefect camp for myself and my batch tomorrow-

i’m entitled to feel excited and emotional about it now, aren’t i? :)

 

i’ll see you on Sunday!

(if i’m not too tired or too busy finishing up some work, that is)

kegembiraan hidup seorang budak sekolah.

i am officially seventeen and this feels like a big deal to me somehow :)

thanks to those who came over for lunch yesterday and made my day this year around a little different- again, S and Lisza, what more can i say about the surprise? i’m happy!

today i brought food from yesterday to school for those who didn’t manage to come but guess who wolfed down the chicken, rice and spaghetti Mum had oh-so-kindly (deliciously) cooked?

The Gang! (all of whom came, that is!)

nonetheless, enough about birthdays- although S did spill some interesting facts about my birthdate *clears throat* but… yes, 23rd of March is so yesterday now, haha.

 ——-

these days, i feel that the more i think that maybe i know someone well, the more he/she seems like a stranger- there’s a weird sense of irrational to it all and i’m left feeling confused as to whether will we ever truly know someone who’s not family?

 ——-

S said she has her spies, and they’re saying that i scare the juniors to the point where they’re afraid to text message me to ask about stuff (especially since prefect camp is this weekend, yay!!) as well as the “tone” they use when speaking or yes, texting me.

this is the part where i play the evil senior and grins- WIDE- because it is hilarious!

…but i’m not evil enough, so i’ll try to be nicer after camp-

or rather, we’ll see ;)

 ——-

the homeworks are calling again, i told you i saw them coming!

a revolutionary self.

“See that girl,
Watch the scene,
Dig in the Dancing Queen”

 

i am finally seventeen.

it seems befitting, entering into a new age with a whole new acceptance- an afterthought which came about due to the concert i had attended yesterday.

i think i’ve fully come to terms with being done with insecurity when it comes to the old primary school friends because the truth is simple and honest- which makes me question just why the hell didn’t i notice it all this while?- and it’s this:

i had chosen the kind of person i wanted to be, one that’s away from the typical teenage lifestyle.

so to compare and let myself feel inadequate with these bunch of people seemed unnecessary now because it’s of no use- i choose not to be one who gets easily caught up with the current trend (those waitress vests it seems) or who takes it big on reputation and the like.

i think even back then, i had chosen this:

to stay true to myself, first as a young Muslim girl.

so you see, it feels that my “mission” had been different from the mass even from the very beginning so just why did i let myself feel insecure, upset and down whenever i had felt that i was not pretty or popular enough or whatever else?

by all means, i’m not belittling them- i’m just… not like them.

and maybe i’d said this before countless times, but this time i think i mean it:

i’m glad and grateful as to the person i’d let myself choose to become :)

 

“You are the dancing queen,
Young and sweet,
Only seventeen”

amidst the purple polka.

this is the year that i decided that yes, i would go to this concert.

some of the people i’m bound to meet are people whom i’d last bid goodbye in primary school-

i left them behind to remember me as how they chose to, in the past.

i wonder if this is the wrong decision, choosing to let them see me as i am now?

call this whatever you want.

i think it’s hard to stop once you’ve started the whole tagging and copy&paste business, haha.

i’m a March baby, and the date’s coming up (real soon) too! ;)

MARCH:

Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

i seriously don’t know how accurate this is or if the things which i’d bold in green really describe the person i am, but… it’s fun to do this anyhow, haha!

(Lisza, i might do the other tagging survey- we’ll see hahaha :))

——-

Taken from S:

2. If you were to be stranded on a deserted island, who are the 3 blog buddies you’d take and why?
- Jane, cos she’ll make sure we won’t starve
- Sher, for entertainment
- Lisza, cos she’ll take care of me

*rolls around laughing like some madwoman*

i can’t help to associate just about everything with food- even in the most dire moments!

“okay korang, nak makan apa?”

:)

excuse the green randomness.

i’m doing this because i have no homework- and because for the first time, i noticed i’d actually been tagged, and by Jat.

(okay i read your blog sometimes when i’m idle, muahahaha!)

but to set the record straight, i’d never been a survey or whatever else kind of person- this is probably first and last.

1. At what age do you wish to be married?
i have issues with the topic itself, so yeah. let’s leave it at this- “soon” is a nonexistent term here.

2. If you were to be stranded on a deserted island, who are the 3 blog buddies you’d take and why?
blog buddies? Eve for wisdom (and comfort of sanity), S for familiarity and lisza for laughs. but realistically speaking, do i even actually have blog buddies- since i rarely read people’s blog and don’t exactly know who my blogreaders are-? :I

3. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
i’m keeping this honest and simple: Tokyo, Japan. you know why, i think.

4. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
another truthful answer, because this is my only dream: experience U-life in the US.

5. Do you believe you can survive without money?
i don’t believe much in the value of money as food for soul, so spiritually speaking yes- realistically speaking, no.

6. What are you afraid to lose the most?
my identity as a Muslim, definitely.

7. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
living and talking in terms of the now, it would be just this: travel around the world (this includes shopping spree!). oh wait, if this is after high school, i’ll probably use this as scholarship since they’re so hard to obtain, supposedly.

8. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
yup, i think so. i’m not one with tricks up my sleeve, or manipulation at the back of my mind.

9. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
jat? you gotta be kidding me! (harharrr!) …but realistically to speak, one moment comes in memory, always: since young, whenever i couldn’t sleep i would scoot myself next to her and hold her hand- a funny belief that i can only sleep when i do this. so does this answer the question enough? she has my back, even though she doesn’t show it much (hahaha okay enough emo-moment).

10. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
religion, logic, rationale (which equals to intelligence) and sincerity.

11. Which type of person do you hate the most?
hah, this could go on forever. the list include: Mr & Ms I’m Always Right, racists and shallow people who constantly speak rubbish.

12. If you are given the chance to go back to the past and make a difference, will you?
years back, i would have said yes. right now, my answer is no- i’m grateful in the events of my life, be them screwed or happy and how they had helped to shape the person i am today (yes, cue for cliched answer).

13. What is the thing that will make you think he/she is bad?
i’m working hard in not passing quick (negative) judgments, of late. but… i can’t stand stupid talks, basically. so yeah, shallow people just piss me off to no end.

14. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
this must only be one thing then? gotta go for Islam. nonetheless followed closely by family, education and some good friends.

15. Are you a shopaholic or not?
i’m a bookaholic with a dose of asian dramaholic, ’nuff said.

16. If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
…i think i’m happy with who i am really, physically and all.

17. Who is the person that you can share all your problems with?
i honestly don’t know, i’m selective of what i reveal. but i suppose the closest is the personal mentor, obviously.

18. What’s your weakest point?
i feel that i tend to drift into melodramatic laments, so that’s definitely a minus.

19. What’s the thing that you’re most proud of?
it used to be my book collection, but i’m not too sure about that now. i think lately it’s more of the simple fact that us 7 siblings are close in ways that not many are lucky to experience and feel- that kind of protected love.

20.What do you think of sarcasm and irony?
i think i’m a healthy (and unintended) blend of both :)

I’m quite eager to see if you guys actually do this tag…
shifa first, definitely (hehe). eve too, and lisza as well cos she had better update her blog!

Jat, i’m keeping the green- because it is my favourite colour after all teehee!

back to some kind of innocence.

“People are born as small individuals, and they continually wish to grow bigger;

They have been living their lives wishing to grow bigger and bigger;

But is that truly something we need? But what does that matter?

As long as we have a free heart, we shouldn’t have to fear whether we can grow bigger or not;

You can spoil yourself, you can be weak,

Because fundamentally, humans are weak;

Although we may be weak… without stretching ourselves…

As long as we look around us, the place that is always close to us, is actually the most precious;

I hope you too can find your one and only place in life.”

- from Jdrama Kimi wa Petto, credits of fansubbing to www.jtv-drama.org

somehow, i’m missing the Jdrama Nodame Cantabile- Nodame was a character with so much purity;

i’m in search of some kind of wisdom.

metamorphosis.

if i personally feel and henceforth claim that i am a lover of Islam and everything related to it, why then do i feel annoyed every single time you act holier-than-thou?

lately, i cannot stand you and i cannot seem to help it.

 

come to think of it, it feels as if i am a little and a lot of everything these days-

i think i’m highly obsessed with them, yet maybe i’m not quite so anymore;

sometimes i find myself feeling bad, before discovering the extent of my anger;

i look for others in search of comfort, then realized i am fine on my own;

i am smart and i am silly at the same time;

i am a juggling soul with no solid substance to weigh in the personality.

 

i don’t seem to know myself much, these days.

i wonder why?

fighting the blues (call it angst).

“if you keep it this way, you’ll never score that 10As.”

this way is really a few days in a row watching the dramas, struggling to finish each series in itself because instead of being able to do so during my one-week break just last week, i was busy with the constant travelling and working hard to obtain freedom from the piled-up ‘holiday homeworks’.

for some reason, i’m not feeling any kind of pressure with the supposed Big Exam just yet- i realize the risk and consequences of my every choice and actions but… i don’t see the point in freaking out right now, this moment in time, truthfully speaking.

8 months is not very long, but it isn’t very near as well you know?

i’m watching all these Jdramas and videos right now because i know that soon enough, another bulk of homework will come my way- so i might as well spend my current “free time” with stuff i want to do.

i’ll do things my way and that’s that, i suppose.

 

school had been a blur of fuzzy images these past two days for me, for some reason.

i guess i still wish i had had a longer holiday.