friendship; gratitude.

i feel that lately i’ve been posting some depressing on-goings in my life, so let’s stop for a moment and celebrate… yes, believe it or not, friends :)

candid class moments- honestly, i think i’m a little bit in love with all the classmates:

just talking :)

See Manda geeking there? :P

the only girl who is allowed to call me Kakak; Liyana’s funnyyy :D

missing in action: a whole lot of others, like Stefan, T and A!

…during the Independence Day celebration in the hall-

CRAP, WordPress doesn’t want to upload the rest, so i’ll do this in a second post alright? :)

but to be completely honest, the one that i’m truly missing is this- because we, all 22 of us, feel so far and distant from one another now that everything’s ’said and done’ and those badges had been kept for memories… wasn’t our bond supposed to be stronger than this or were we really bonded only by the significance of our uniform, my dearest partners-in-crime?

now, i rarely see many of you, what more hang out during recess together like we used too-

one heart, one passion.

that last recess, remember?

I hope it’s not too late (or too cheesy) to say i miss being us.

untainted innocence.

the (little) boy who stole my heart.

all the lost souls.

3 steps forward, 100 steps backward.

the thing is, i have no more hope about this- i’m indifferent and ignorant, maybe even selfish about this now- but can’t i be, if the same drama keeps repeating itself every time?

do you want to know why i’m so bitter- why this heart of mine just seems so, so cold?

why it is so freakin’ hard to open up to others about issues which truly matter to me and why when anyone break that trust, it feels so much freakin’ harder to regain it back?

why i am so bitter and cynical about trust?

why i seem so desperate to develop a strong self-worth and identity?

why sometimes, i am so stubborn and aggressive about my beliefs?

because you showed to me that if i don’t protect this hard, hard heart of mine, then people will simply walk all over, trample, hurt and break the soul behind it;

because you showed to me that if i let myself be stupid about easily trusting, easily loving, easily giving in and keep blindingly hoping, then the person who would hurt the most is the person who lost her heart because of others.

do you know why it’s so hard for me to forget bitter incidents and why i keep on harping, remembering and being at a tandem?

because this is all you’ve been doing, every single bloody time.

i’m tired;

how long more do i need to play this game of yours before you’ll finally realize what you’ve turn me into and set me free?

i hope you know that because of what you did and what you- yes, the other you- are doing now;

i am somewhat broken, a lot jaded and trusts so darn hard.

how can you give me back, this part of me which i have lost?

jagged edges.

the hardest (or easiest?) thing about changes is when you start getting used to things as they are now.

——

a junior had won an essay-competition recently and i was lucky to be able to edit it through for the school magazine today- her essay is honestly mind-blowing and made a darn lasting impact to me that it’s quite unbelievable to find out that she’d written that on-the-spot for a time period of an hour;

i can’t put the essay up here because obviously then, i’d be violating some rules of copyright and confidentiality but i don’t think it’d be very wrong to quote one sentence,

“…but the crux of the matter is that some of the greatest challenges in life do not come in the shape of world wars and nuclear bombs, but they come in the stillness of the heart.”

honestly, her essay amazes me- seriously, i salute her.

and the rain kept pouring.

this was what happened when your bedtime was at 3AM:

waking up in a frenzy a good one hour after the time that you’re supposed to be up and about for school- then just sitting back, digesting the fact you know what? it’s already so late to start rushing, especially when the brother who’s supposed to be the driver isn’t even awake!

then i went to Dad (he came back last night) and (frantically) explained to him that i wasn’t going to school because i’d overslept and it was kind of too late, and he casually replied,

“Ahhh, okay. Isn’t not going to school a good thing?”

eeeehhhhhhhhhhh?   “-_- …hahahahaha!

——–

you would say, “i’m coming back today” and i would simply reply, okay.

then you’ll say, “i’m going tomorrow” and again, i would reply, okay.

this attitude of indifference which i seem to master expertly now makes you relieved because if it’s one thing i know so well about you, it’s the fact that you don’t like it when things are messy or troublesome to you-

when others’ emotions make you feel guilty.

so i learned it the easy way:

agree only to whatever information was being shared and ask only what i truly needed to know.

i think you know it yourself, that there’s more than meets my eyes, but you’ve gone so far and achieved so much in terms of conviction, so would you want to reel in the possibility that things could get messy?

of course you won’t.

so much i have always wanted to say, yet every single time, i could only come up with a simple and meaningless okay.

——–

lately i think it’s because i’m very lonely, is why i’m blogging so much.

i lost my confidante and i’m not very good at holding back thoughts, so i look for an alternative and that’s when i realized that writing had always been a way to let go for me- so, i started writing again.

it’s silly in a way, because others would point out to me, why don’t you write in a journal instead? not everyone needs to know whatever you’re thinking and feeling, because sometimes they hurt.

but i remember so well, why i’d chosen to start blogging at 14- i needed to be heard, and until now, i still do.

sometimes i’m a little too egoistic that i try to hide my vulnerability or weaknesses because i’m afraid they would be made as weapons against who i am, but there’s always something which enables me to put down that facade- my thoughts and emotions which are converted into words.

sometimes i wish that others would understand the things i don’t say because i’m always saying too much- but every time i would be disappointed, because how the hell is people supposed to know- unless they have ESP- what i think and feel if i don’t tell it out?

so i write, and keep on writing here in this space.

lately, i feel that i’m being more honest than i’ve ever been here, but then i would tell myself, it’s okay.

because when the truth is handed out to us, it always hurts in the beginning, but it also makes us think;

there is a big part of me which i hold back now, as if i’d turn into that 12 years-old primary schoolgirl i was five years ago who’d felt like a stranger looking in to others’ happiness and constantly wondering, wouldn’t things be so much easier if i would just give in and give up partly, who i am?

yet every single time, the answer remains the same: no, i can’t.

then again, i don’t feel pity for myself, because maybe i just grew to become more different and changed than the rest of the crowd- no one is to be blamed for that because there are so many colourful personalities in this world- in my world, too- that it enables me to believe that one day, there would be people who would tell me with utmost honesty and conviction, you as who you are is who i like best.

whenever i think again, i would realize that for once, i feel that i can no longer settle for being second-best, the third-wheel… whatever the term similar to this goes;

i just feel that i… deserve better.

it doesn’t mean i had forgotten or choose to forget whatever had happened in my past, but it means i choose to create a new future for myself… even if the turn-out has the possibility of backfiring.

so if this means that i feel constantly lonely, maybe it’s okay;

because this is just a phase, isn’t it?

who knows what’s in store for me in the near future?

i’m intrigued to find out, after this heart of mine has finally settled.

Let’s Put A Smile On That Face.

due to the fallen (crashed?) trunk of a tree (okay, big ol’ tree), i couldn’t come to school today- remember the fact that i’m currently parentless right now, with them being away due to work?- so i had to stay home with Eldest Sis to make sure the dudes were doing their job and all that…

…except i ended up getting out of bed at 11.29am, so what kind of ‘being up and about together’ was i actually thinking?

you see, the weather was dark and kept on raining, so could you really have blamed me for not being able to differentiate 7.20am or 9.30am with 11.29am? :D

——-

after everything was settled, Eldest Sis and i waited for Second Sis to come home, before leaving together to watch The Dark Knight- Fi told me that this week is probably the last week it will be shown in cinemas nationwide- and well, no matter how well-done the movie was, i can’t help but agree with an article from The Times which i’d read regarding it-

this movie is sure as hell sadistic.

as you can probably tell, i found it very difficult to enjoy the movie when all kinds of maniacal torture, violence and sadism kept being strewn in almost every scene;

i get it that it’s an action-thriller or whatever other genre related to that kind of movie, but seriously, it’s weird to realize that people are glorifying this movie so much- seemingly agreeing to all these negative concerns.

i’m probably beginning to sound like a mum, but imagine if i’d brought my three-year-old nephew (since it’s rated U right?) – what then, am i trying to instill and show him?

when i pointed out sadism to some friends weeks ago after having read said particular article, most replied me with, “Well, that IS the Joker.”

but so what? it’s not who he was that mattered when we’re talking about this i think, but it’s how his character was portrayed, with those crazy, merciless and cruel actions- suddenly, playing evil is cool?

maybe i’m being too critical, i don’t know- i guess they want to show that greater good would (obviously) still prevail amidst the darkest hours and human fragility but just how far do you have to go to prove that point?

i guess this means i’m not a fan of the movie, as much as i’d admit that Christian Bale was hot as Bruce Wayne and Heath Ledger played the role of Joker amazingly well.

——-

English shows i’m currently following:

• CSI: NY
• Friday NIght LIghts S2
• Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (!!!)
• House

there’s also this Taiwanese show which is shown on 8TV every weekday nights-

i don’t think you need to remind me that i’m probably on the way to signing- if i haven’t already, subconsciously- a death pact against the trial exam.

but i’m tired of getting stressed out- so regrets or not, i’m doing things my way.

(okay, check back with me in about two weeks time- maybe i’ll say things differently then harhar)

——-

i didn’t want to write anything today, but then i realized i had to because…

MY LAPTOP IS BACK!!!!!

it crashed two weeks ago (totally, by that) because of a virus invasion from the principal’s thumbdrive (what are the odds?) and finally, finally i have it back now- so obviously, i’m writing this using the laptop;

ohh i’ve missed this electronic buddy of mine :)

——-

i’d just realized that today’s the election day for that place in Penang;

my sister-in-law was like, “Penang cuti, you pun cuti? Haha!”

honestly, i’m scared about the result, should it be a surprising one.

——-

i realized that i don’t believe and trust easily again, the idea of a supposedly beautiful thing;

lock this heart, build that protective layer of defense, put up a pretense and just keep on plastering that smile, regardless of whatever or whoever.

it’s so easy to put up a facade, wouldn’t you agree?

but i can’t help but wonder… at what cost?

——-

time to go back to reality;

signing off, N ;)

When Did Your Heart Go Missing?

it was 3.00pm and Lucky Number Slevin was showing on HBO-

then i looked at the clock again and it was 3.40pm, then…

3.45pm… 3.45pm…. 3.45pm…

and it kept being 3.45pm, until Second Sis finally turned to me and asked, “is this clock even working?”

then i realized that time had stopped! (well, sort of- the clock did :P)

i can’t believe that i didn’t notice it at all, gosh -

but talking about the movie, Lucky Number Slevin was surprisingly FANTASTIC;

and of course, Josh Hartnett (his eyes, sepet!) was totally hot too :D

——–

“When you look back to these high school years, wouldn’t you remember what had truly mattered to you? You stayed true to who you are. I’m proud of you for that.”

sometimes, age in friendship just doesn’t matter- you hear that, T?

you’ll always be my girl, dear :)

——–

as i was typing yesterday’s blog entry, the rain had just eased a little- before that, there were thunderstorm and dark clouds all over, so you can imagine the kind of weather that had made me stay cooped up at home- then suddenly, i heard a loud thunk and the room seemed to shake a little, if this was even possible…

i looked behind me, to the windows and gasped in surprise when i saw that big ol’ fat and really tall tree from the empty (forest-like) land next (and covered all the way to the backyard) to my house had been struck by lightning and hence, crashed straight down and hit our backyard’s metal wall, falling right in between the open space that separated my room and Third Bro- but was facing the window of the computer room where i was.

i am so not kidding you.

“Jane, are you okay? What was that?!”

instantly, Eldest Bro and Third Bro rushed upstairs- probably thinking i had caused some massive something?- and stood for a second with me, digesting what had just transpired.

it was a blessing, i tell you, that it didn’t crash right down to the walls of either one of the two rooms.

i wish i could show pictures as proof but as it is, Eldest Bro had snapped some and made them his own- for official letters to the town authorities and whatnot- the dudes had come by today to chain-saw that big ol’ trunk of a tree (okay, big ol’ tree trunk) so there ain’t any photos i could take myself today.

the six of us siblings had sorted out the issue (okay, mostly Eldest Bro as always but we helped with what we could so, aren’t we good? :D) today since the parents are still away and let’s just say, yesterday was just as eventful for me as it was for others, rather than being simply a lazy Sunday-

even if this was really, simply about a tree (nonetheless, make that a big ol’ fat and tall one!).

anywayyyy, i’m rambling aren’t i?

i guess it’s time to (finally, hehe) hit that BM homeworks (i did not just spit ughhh!) folks, so see you when i see you ;)

maaf, bila aku tidak sempurna.

some girls are born naturally beautiful, others make up for it by accessorizing with funky pretty things, colourful make-ups and bold (or beautiful) fashion senses;

so where does a girl like me- who is ordinary and truthfully, simply loves simplicity, comfort and casualness- fits in?

sometimes in this superficial world, it’s very difficult to remember that what truly lasts, is what’s inside.

——-

that GC-lovin’, concert-goer girl who’s currently into GG series:

“You know you love me too! Infinite x’s and o’s, A.”

this one cracked me up- we’ve been reenacting GG in our text messages for some time already- even if i don’t watch this show- and obviously, as my initial goes, i’m N;

i know you don’t read this space A, but xoxo right back ‘atcha! Love, N :)

——-

two months more, then i’m officially a high school graduate-

it occurred to me that it’s very, very likely that i might never ever see, meet or speak to a large number of the schoolmates- of course this is a natural transition we all go through, but i guess… the issue now, is which friends do i want to keep in touch with, post-high school?

man, can you say ch-ch-changes?

if it’s not obvious enough, i’m not all that well with changes.

——-

Eldest Bro will be going to JAPAN in early November due to a conference-

he had actually thought of bringing me with him, but ohhh, what are the odds?

this trip falls on the same time as THE  big exam;

“Jane, you’re only SEVENTEEN. It’s not like you can’t just go on your own in future!”

but you see, Eldest Sis, sometimes chances only come by once...

CRAP, i hope that window of chance won’t close too soon for me :I

——-

everyone seems to somewhat be on hiatus from the World Wide Web- including blogging and the like- so just why the hell can’t i seem to stay away?

blame it on NEWS, blame it on NEWS!

lifeline.

it just occurred to me that i’ve never posted any NEWS songs here (gasp!) so here is one of my personal favourites from them- it seems befitting to put this one up today somehow, because i think everyone can relate to this, at one point in time (like me) or think of someone dear who fits the bill (like uhh, me again?) -

Best Friend by NEWS

(special thanks as always, to goro-chan.livejournal.com for the translation!)

We have fun doing the most trivial things
Before we even notice, we’ve been laughing together till morning
We are supposed to have become adults
But we haven’t changed a bit

You are my best friend
Because it is embarrassing,

I can’t say things like, “Thanks”

This may not be any place special

But I want to always be right here

The streets where we grew up

Have changed compared to how they used to be

Even as the seasons come and go
I hope you never change

You are my best friend
Sometimes we fight
Because of the silliest little things
But we understand each other better each time to collide

In the future
I probably won’t say this out loud again
But the truth is that when I’m with you,
that’s when my heart feels the warmest

You are my best friend
Because it is embarrassing,
I can’t say things like, “Thanks”
This may not be any place special
But I want to always be right here

You are my best friend
No matter when

We will never be alone

You give me such simple kindness

I want to say this to you:

Thanks

-

basically, i don’t care what people think- to me, NEWS is love ♥ :)

———

today, i just realized why i’m so close with the siblings- since young, the parents would occasionally be away due to work affairs and i’d switch to mini-mum mode (from end of last year, i’ve even been doing the cooking as well, did you know that? i’m a pretty fantastic cook i think, for a beginner :D) and Eldest Bro would switch to Dad-mode- together, the 6 (weekends, 7 since Second Bro would come by) would make things work for us and learn to be independent with each other to rely on.

as we grow older- if they’re away during the weekends, Saturday night would be late-night movie venture at Cineleisure;

in a world so full of instabilities, doubts and multi-faceted personalities…

they’re my lifeline.

i guess, when it comes down to it all-

they truly are the real best friends i will never let go of :)

Geng Teh Tarik (hope, a second perspective).

(this tickled me somehow- the ustaz at this tahlil i’d attended said it :P)

long hours, moments and time have passed, yet i’m still at this matter- it’s okay, because personally for me, put away the pretense… it is a life-learning process-

i conclude that yes, i believe the personal mentor was right when she’d stated this:

friendship is a tricky subject, regardless of whatever external or internal factors we want to talk/ discuss/ debate about regarding it.

from personal experiences, it often feels like a fight-or-flight situation;

how many times do people let us down that we decide to let them go?

personally, i think it’s the degree of whatever they’d done which truly matters- the extent it had stretched, to us- which is why i’m always the one who gets stuck, sometimes moving forward, sometimes backwards.

but since forever, everyone’s been trying to remind me:

it takes two to tango.

i think every time, whether because this is simply by nature or instinct or pride or whatever else- personally, i think it’s in the genes- i feel like i am and will always choose to fight.

gut feeling tells me that i will always be bitter, that you were right about one thing:

there is this little voice inside my head which will perpetually remind me of what was.

i admit, some days i lose and give in to that- i dwell, i harp, i remember, i cry, i grief, i hurt- but then this is the part where i have to learn to accept growth and human mistakes, because if i am always reminding others i’m far from perfect, than i must remember that others are too-

i think i will always be bitter, blatantly speaking, but there is also this one trait which i personally think i’m pretty darn good at sometimes-

i fight the blues.

stop for a moment- the thing about fighting is this:

how far do you keep holding on before deciding to give up, pull out and finally, walk away for good?

like i’d said, some days i lose to that inner voice of reality but which fighter does not experience defeat and personal breaking points in learning to develop stronger instinct and self-worth?

for me, loneliness is a disease i am sometimes ashamed of admitting to and honestly, don’t quite know how to cure,  but only deal: seeking solace in Him- in simple term, this is called faith- and in one of His many gifts of kindness- that is, time.

just as the art of fighting goes, sometimes i win and sometimes i lose.

let’s not rewind.

to all the voices, inside and out, which have all been trying and trying and keep being so darn insistent in telling me who and what to be and not to be, what to do and not do, as well as what to believe and not believe-

i will listen;

then instinct kicks in- i fight back.

because in the wonderments of all that chaos, noise, calm and serenity, this is my truth:

i am the one who ultimately, does the choosing and deciding.

i don’t want to go back to the past of being Six anymore because i’ve lost my trust and although i am back to square one (okay, three?)- non-committal, distant and critical, unstable, somewhat alone and rediscovering a great many leaps and bounds on how to be a friend (again) and what the value of friendship vs the value of self means- hey, it’s true that i’ve got to start somewhere to reach somewhere else.

this is very hard, because others will always scrutinize, assess, judge, tsk tsk tsk, try to get their points across and prove them straight to my face- heck, even my own inner voice, i’m constantly fighting against-

but i’d decided that i deserve better and to be happy…

i’d decided to choose kindness, both towards myself and others.

just like the challenges of (still) learning to accept a great many things and work on tweaking of self- among other things- gut feeling tells me that nothing is and will ever be an easy fight-

but i am a fighter who is not ready to give up and call defeat just yet;

because you are too, i will keep on trying.

(in case you’re wondering, yes, i really am actually a happy person!)