battle day 1: lost.

i woke up this morning and told myself, i can do this.

then i was fine… BM paper was manageable, but this wasn’t what had been freaking me out-

i think i’d failed the Physic paper;

i screamed, shouted, groaned aloud to anyone who would listen about why it was hellish-

i arrived home and broke down in tears.

it’s about failing myself because i know i could do better than what i did today;

i used to be better than this.

——–

independence is a term that sometimes confuses me.

“You can’t be so dependent on people all the time.”

it was a weird thing to say to me, especially about this, because what i am if not independent when i’d thought of, asked around, called and arranged for my own transportation alternative myself when Mum switched jobs late last year?

what am i if not independent when i am the person who manages the household whenever the parents are away- or even when they’re not- by being the one who cooks, who ensures there’s enough grocery for the week,  who keeps tabs of each others’ schedules and who since forever, is the go-to emergency ‘operator’ of the family?

what am i if not independent when i schedule my own tuition, call up offices and whatever else to set up my own appointments, plans my own transportation modes every time i have to go somewhere or have something on and finds out early on the routes to wherever it is i want to go to so the person driving me doesn’t have to be in a frenzy about it?

what am i if not independent when i am always saving others, for God’s sake?

but who is saving me?

——–

the battle is only just beginning, but Physics is also the one particular subject i had really tried revising the most- of course, the effort wasn’t enough, even i know that, but it was this one which i’d truly tried dedicating time to, first and foremost;

and to realize that i’d screwed this paper today… i don’t know.

i guess it’s timely i admit that i’m a darn lazy person.

lately when i think about my school life, i feel like i don’t understand much of anything;

the old friendship circle is just different and distant, my editorial work seems never-ending- even now, my studies… ugh, my studies, whatever happened?

but it would be wrong to not count my blessings-

my classmates- Stefan, Fi and Amanda in particular (!!)- have been alongside me throughout the few weeks of geeking and post-retiring from prefects mean i’m constantly in class with not much extra, extra workload at home;

so why the hell do i feel so screwed up with myself right now, as if i’d been wronged and pushed to the crappier side of life?

“I don’t need a reason to be angry with God.”

wise words, Jamie Sullivan.

if anything, its me who had pushed myself to that other side- consciously and by choice.

i told you that sometimes i’m stupid- it just seems to be happening a lot, a lot more often these days.