things we lost in the fire, part II.

in many ways, i’ve realized that i’ve actually lost all of you- not physically, rather the foundations that had build up that great friendship it was.

…or maybe it’s still there, somewhere inside and hidden away, but i just don’t know how to find it back- even if i do, i think it’s more that i don’t know how to react with that.

sometimes i think about approaching first, opening up again… but then the words come back to my mind, a reminder that that was what you’d thought of me all this while since i-don’t-know-how-long.

today i realize too, that we’ve moved further away than i’d thought- i guess i see it coming because i chose to do all those things i did but i don’t know just what it is i’m so afraid of that i can’t seem to make myself take a few steps backwards and rejoice in old times’ sake.

sometimes i wonder if every one of you had changed your perceptions about me-

i wonder what this means to how things are now.

some days i’m better at fighting against this feeling- i sincerely want to put it behind me too- but there are just one of those days, like today where i look at you and remember that great friendship we had, how much i miss you, how much i miss being us… and how much sometimes, i just don’t know what it is i’m truly trying to salvage.

what exactly is still there, and what isn’t?

i’m grateful that all of you had ’saved’ me two years ago but this is it, my words are merely just words now because when i see any of you, i still look… and walk away.

i’m so selfish, i know i can’t come back or even turn back but i keep wishing you won’t forget me.

i don’t know, i guess i’m sorry.

gosh, i don’t know why it’s so hard for me to just move on already, for God’s sake.

——-

i received the “We’re sorry to inform you that you were unsuccessful in the interview for the student exchange programme…” letter upon coming home from school today and yes, although i’m okay with it already, i still had a very strong desire to tear the letter to pieces.

i’m so whiny but i can’t help but feel that the year i turned seventeen feels like a year of losses and growth-

can’t give up too soon though, the year’s not ending yet.

——-

you finally tried calling me today, after what, two weeks?

sometimes i just don’t know where to place you in my heart anymore or if you even (still) deserve a spot.

——

this is the first Ramadhan where everything just seems to feel like they’re crashing down on me- home, school, friends, studies, examsssss and the whole looming-nearer reality of finally leaving high school;

there’s just so much changes and awkwardness, memories, stress, pressure, pain, regret and loneliness that sometimes i wonder just how the hell have i been coping, truly?

really, lately it feels wayyy too much;

i need my time-out with Him.