evoke.

“Bagus anak-anak kita. All very serious in their respective jobs. Alhamdulillah.”

so that’s why i have to be too, not be left out in terms of the siblings’ passions-

choosing this career is almost just the same with if i had ended up with medicine; it means committing and being passionate about something for real, fiercely …even 50 years down the road because the fight for the environment never ends, isn’t it?

——-

if potentially even standing a chance in getting “it” means compromising who i am for the sake of this and just so to be looked at by others differently-

is it worth it?

maybe if it had been any other parts i would actually think about in considering, but this Muslim identity- i can’t imagine without it, i just can’t.

i know i’m generalizing but ahh, the world’s not always fair.

——–

we say, “I promise to be here for you,” only to realize that we can’t even  always be there for ourselves;

you say, “this friendship is forever,” only to realize that the duration of forever is only as long as you allow it;

i say, “this distance, it shouldn’t matter- I’m around for you,” only to realize that what’s the point if the heart’s not ‘around’ to want to be there for;

so i’ll say this now, “don’t make promises none of us can keep.”

Shut Up & Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is.

2.36AM craziness- thanks to…

fine i’ll join the bandwagon and admit this too:

CALCULUS 2 IS CRAZY!!!

its like, is this even (still) Math?!

New Change (or whatever).

Michael Jackson passed away today-

no wonder i kept hearing all sorts of MJ classic songs this morning alone.

though i was never part of his hype (that’d be Eldest Bro’s era and hmm, since he’s 31 now i guess it’d be the 1980s-1990s?) but still, rest in peace sir.

——-

so here’s the latest news:

P is leaving college- she’s switching program so she’s moving to another private college, probably that particular one nearer to my house- cos… guess why?

she’s still keeping her options open for medicine.

yeah, practically everyone around me are chasing this Doctor dream (am i allowed to insert a sarcastic geez here or is this offensive?).

from Eldest Sis the current cynic’s words:

“Yeah everyone says that in the beginning, because they don’t know what they’re getting into. And then when they get in, they’ll realize it’s neither like on TV nor being all-about Biology-”

“-And you’re proof of what they’ll turn into huh? Talking like this, looking like this and doing all these?” (laughs)

…although for myself i’m a personal cynic about this too- because everyone keeps darn telling me i’ve the FACE for it ...what the TOOT man?- in a way i also think it’s crucial to be naive and have this sort of Big Dream of not knowing what you’re jumping into but believing it’d be something worth it;

cos if not, how are we ever going to get anywhere, be anyone?

but anyway, back to P:

i love her- she’s my best college friend- and first it was C and now it’s P;

i guess i am meant to spread my independent wings, whatever happens.

did you guess? i’m writing another letter.

——–

these days i think about friendship again;

i think i’m okay here in college- there are days when i’m crazy lonely, but slowly i’m trying to break out of my shell.

i think i’ve got really nice people around as well- a small group, a select few- but for now this is more than enough because hell, must the entire world knows you?

nope, they don’t.

i’m tired of pretending to be something just cos i think the me underneath is of lesser worth- it’s time to just say, get over yourself N!

i like DC’s (ahh, still my favorite Idol!) latest single (although i’d downloaded his entire album- anyone care to buy me his album pretty please?)-

“When you find you, come back to me.”

when you find you? man, what a brilliant statement.

i’ll say this to myself: i will.

——–

people have moved on- literally and figuratively- so here’s mine too, but only in terms of figuratively speaking;

goodbye, sayonara.

and helloooo to a new chapter of my life, whatever this may be.

i just want a New Change for a change.

-

(i feel very sarcastic and snipy today, can you tell?)

1:07AM confessions.

(because i’m feeling just a little bit emotional tonight)

-

because if you’d told me i could fly, i would probably even believe you.

thank you for a lot of things, but mostly for being my best supporter-

you’re not the best father in the world and as i grow older i’ve come to realize that more and more, but you’re mine and that makes you enough for me;

to the man who gave me depth,

to the man with the gentlest heart that i know,

happy father’s day.

——–

so life as the Managing Editor (fancy name for basically the same thing i did for Features last year) for Editorial Team under the college Ed Board has officially begun- it’s been some time since i last stepped up to a leadership role and honestly i’m kind of rusty, my confidence is at its lowest level and my skills definitely still needs better honing-

but i’d started, and i’d reported well the day after i’d been assigned my role.

my editor-in-chief was surprised, “good job. Really good.”

hearing that, that’s when i realized-

i am good at this, this sort of thing.

i used to be pretty damned good, i think.

but no point in rewriting history-

let’s move on from high school already geez.

——-

editorial, debates…

for a moment it almost feels like before;

but here’s the thing, something to think about-

why do i keep feeling like i have chase and get back that figment of the high school girl N that i was?

because the truth is, i don’t.

the me now is working, just with a few different parts inside.

——

we can’t have what we’ve already lost.

…and to think that all it was, was just some stupid high school drama.

oh such silly girls we were.

——-

uncertainties are hell-

but for the most part, things eventually do work out somehow.

before things get messy and tangled up again, but this would be another story for another day in the future no?

but sometimes they also take a long time to be fine and patient, we must be.

——-

there’s a dream i have, but i can’t seem to fulfill it right now – and looking at the way things are now, i probably can’t anytime soon either;

i want to study Japanese because i’ve been trying for years to do so myself and obviously, to no(t much) avail.

which is why technically, this is Plan B (in my mind).

how easy is that to admit and how difficult is it to actually accomplish?

——-

“Focus Jan. Nanti yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendung berciciran. Opportunity comes only once!”

“Fuiyoo yah, peribahasa tu! …but you’re right. I get you.”

because this is the unspoken deal that i made with him.

——-

“You are asking me for something that isn’t real.”

- from the movie, State of Play

ahh, such a beautiful and strong statement.

——-

i realized something today;

in our dramatizing moments (which are honestly aplenty, isn’t it?) we always tend to think of just about everything in our lives as being start-all or end-all to everything else but hey, you know what’s the truth?

they’re not-

they’re not A Moment (make that many), but really just Instances.

because life goes on and as we progress forward there’s always something more, something else, something better …to live for.

naked anger.

…just kidding; today’s been a good day, really.

i’m praying the best for my US History 1 Mid-Term today (25% man!) – i think i did do okay just now, so *prayspraysprays*

met up with Fi afterwards to that new neighborhood mall- i forgot to say to you that hey, you ARE a good driver!- and chill out for about 2 hours- she’s kick-starting her dream next Tuesday so this is a pre-meet up departure thingy hahaha as if Banting’s very far away ;p

and oh, Fi you’re such a Responsible Eldest Sister! :)

i don’t want to be the kind of person who keeps remembering her high school days- sure, it was good for me, everyone knows that- in her blog because honestly, even how good it was and how not-so-good things are now, i choose to live in the present;

but it’s a nice feeling when i think about my girlfriends, because i do know that i have someone, or rather a few someones, to “come back” to.

it’s really nice, this feeling that although both of us are really growing up in all kinds of ways (literally and figuratively) and our lives will probably far from intersect here onwards (or at least for awhile?), we can always pick up where we left off.

it’s nice to know you’re (and have been) around- so thanks :)

now go live up your dream!

——-

what does forgiving means?

i could have said “I’m sorry,” a million times in the past, but does that even mean anything, changes anything?

i’m curious, because i’m wondering just why i keep feeling so insincere.

——-

i’m told that sometimes a particular friend still finds herself very upset when she realizes she has given up that something she had always wanted-

hearing that, it occurred to me now just how lucky -no scratch that, blessed- i am because even though yes i went through a lot of hardship in my scholarship rat race (and even if the outcome had turned out differently) at the end of the day- as in right now, in this present-day- i’m still doing something that i actually did fight (pretty hard) for, envisioning heading to a place i most likely (hence the usage of insya-Allah) go and i guess this is the most “expensive” part:

live the dream i had always longed for, in all aspects from the degree to the place to the program to… just about everything within my dream-scope.

not everyone has been this blessed.

i cannot thank Him enough, Alhamdulillah.

“…how much was buried deep down inside”.

from eve- a stranger’s quote;

“When someone or something comes along that forces you to question every belief and personality trait you’ve ever thought you had, that’s when you’re forced to burn away all the excess until you’re left with the pure essence of what is truly you. That is when you discover how much of you was really there on the surface, and how much was buried deep down inside.”

i love, love, love it.

-

“…every belief and personality trait… forced to burn away all the excess until you’re left with the pure essence of what is truly you. That is when you discover… how much was buried deep down inside.”

repeat: i love, love, LOVE it.

thanks eve <3

the end of The (Ugly) Rat Race.

it was the first that i’d applied for the year ‘09- thanks to Mum’s persistency- the only one i’d put at the back of my mind right away, instantly thinking i’d never even make it to the next round, the only one i didn’t mention if people ask me for my list of applications and finally, it was also the last one, the last chance.

Alhamdulillah, i’m finally able to say this:

i’m a scholarship holder.

i’ll be pursuing an environmental engineering degree, totally.

insya-Allah, i will fly to the States next year.

it’s that oil company, the yellow-red one- the one all the drivers in the house fill their tank up with for years.

truly, Alhamdulillah no?

there’s no other way to put it, it just wasn’t all me, 100%-

Him, for everything- more than everything, really;

my family- Mum for yeah, being so darn persistent that i apply, Dad for all that engineering-info and ultimate gentle support, Eldest Bro for his constant love, Second Bro for giving me that superbly useful, timely and effective pep talk, Eldest Sis for keep encouraging me that “this is a good thing- even if others don’t, I believe in you”, Second Sis for not pushing it on me to blurt out the details when i thought i failed the first round, Third Bro for all that talk we share in the car about this on the way to school and Jat for that statement, “it’s not about being intimidated, it’s about intimidating others- confidence.”

my teacher, friend, mentor, constant supporter and reality check-reminder (i mean this in a good way!) – you know who you are ;)

Fi for her EVER-constant support even at my weakest moments (after i felt i screwed up too many interviews), J for all her reminder of the kind of leader and team player i were back in SA (when i called her a few days before round 2), Manda for what else? just being there and telling me, “it’s okay, you’ll be alright” just about all the time, Stefan, A, P, Kay… ahh too many but (all) of you guys, thank youuu :)

i realize i’m writing this as if i’d just won an Oscar but you know what?

it kinda feels like it- maybe even better than that, who knows? :)

before anyone starts asking though, i don’t know the T&C just yet- only an offer which led to an agreement by phone so… i’ll wait patiently.

P said, “you getting this shows that dreams CAN come true you know- even after failing and failing.”

glares at her, laughs and replied, “thanks P. But did you really need to put in that last ‘failing and failing’ bit?”

but it’s true- at least this is the first step, maybe.

since i don’t know the T&C, i’m really not expecting anything at all- i’ll play it by black&white, when it’s finally in front of my own eyes- but if anything, this is what i’m most grateful for:

an opportunity, a chance.

Alhamdulillah, truly- no other word can encompass this.

what is the race of life?

20 people- 8 guys, 12 girls-, one small (but cozy and luxurious) apartment and one weekend;

it feels like a “share house” and although i was mostly simply an observer- who sat or stood (literally) quietly at the sides almost all the time- and my most famous lines were probably either “Thanks.” or “Oh, sorry!” and had early on regretted coming along because i just didn’t belong, i’m glad i went anyway.

for whatever small bits of happiness i could claim, for a few moment i did feel genuinely happy at certain points.

i don’t think they got to know me any better because i hardly spoke (i told you, hardly no surprises here anymore) but in my silent (crazy in my mind, more like it) tendency to people-observe, i definitely got to know them better.

what felt nice wasn’t just the fact that it really feels like a  share house (think Last Friends) whereby we co-exist peacefully without any gender-bias views, but that everyone was truly on an equal level- sometimes i’m still stuck with that old ways of PBSA where the seniors are always given way to bathe first and stuff- that it doesn’t matter at all, these little things.

(but in retrospect, i understood that old way and did believe it strongly then)

being the only Muslim girl (there was another dude but he doesn’t pray) this was the only thing i found challenging, having the time to pray- in the Amazing Race game we played where we’re partnered up, my partner didn’t quite get the importance that the first time i asked, she didn’t allow me to; i insisted the second time around and for the second prayer, insisted again.

Islam isn’t supposed to be obtrusive or complicate one’s lifestyle, but because of my own lack of knowledge, i find myself with constant worry and unease, as if no one will allow me to pray or act weird to me if they find out i do (which is clearly my own JUDGMENTAL imagination).

another thing that’s nice is the Great Big Friendship that the seniors have- they’re so comfortable and easygoing with each other- and yes i didn’t belong in that great big circle, but even just being an observer (here i will admit i now understand the feelings of Lee in the novel “Prep”) i didn’t feel too bad or an outcast; it felt nice just to be around them.

if we were to speak about certain moments that left me uneasy, one that struck me most was when my partner (and obviously myself), being the last team and thus the only one left to board the cable car down to safe ground, created a little a drama about having to ride it at night- it was about 8.30pm then- and i don’t know who called who, but her boyfriend (who was also in the trip) was concerned and wanted to go back up just to go back down with her but she was screaming (literally) to him (on the phone) NO, like NO I’M ALREADY BOARDING THE F-ING TRAIN (…her words, not mine) we ended up taking it with a few random people and i remained quiet the entire way while she hid her face- halfway through, she said to me, “this isn’t so bad.”

yes it wasn’t and because of her flippin’ out, i hardly felt scared anymore.

i feel a little mean because while understanding that her fear was genuine- not everyone loves cable cars like myself, after all- i somehow had to refrain real hard from rolling my eyes and instead, pull out some real sympathy.

once we reached safe ground, no surprises there, the boyfriend was waiting.

he hugged her (like in dramas at scenes where the hero/heroine survived some kind of crash-bang-bang moment) and i walked quietly behind them, trying to pretend i was invisible or that i wasn’t third-wheeling.

what irked me most though, for some weird reason (which only i know, and shall not elaborate here- it’s a girl kind of feeling, let’s just put it that way) was when he turned back to me, said in a low voice and small smile, “thanks for taking care of her.”

if it was me who had created the drama, would anyone care?

and from this trip i understood something;

i will never be that something i had maybe or maybe not, for a short or long moment, wished i always am.

because i don’t understand how much the term “different” encompasses or if it means compensating certain things to gain other things- or if it doesn’t.

i was the first to sleep and the last to wake up (sheesh) and doesn’t that just show what kind of role i undertook at this trip cos don’t friends on trips stay up all night over sugar rush, endless laughter from otherwise-unshared stories and a multitude of games?

but i don’t know, i somehow find it just so difficult to communicate with them-  i simply am not at the same wavelength; the games they play i didn’t know how (and one was a gambling card game …i wasn’t sure i could play, even if there wasn’t any money involved then), the jokes they banter to and fro i didn’t find too stomach-aching funny, the songs and musis genre they sing, jazz, acapella or merely discuss about were very wide and varied and most of them being Arts major are thus very serious about that and really know a lot of things about things that fall onto that criteria- in the end, whether by default or choice, however minuscule or large the part it plays in my life, i am a scientist- the way they’re all just so comfortable with one another…

maybe i’m just finding excuses so that i don’t have to admit that maybe it’s really just me who don’t know how to break away from my own shell, let my own guard down and for God’s sake, let loose and talk more!

but i do understand now that there’s nothing wrong with carrying out a Quiet Person role, that my opinions and thoughts don’t always have to be spoken out loud and be heard- that yes, it’s very true i’ve moved far (like far far) from the person i was- and i guess most importantly, i know now it’s a role i can carry quietly and comfortably.

i don’t know if it’s a sign of defeat, choosing to just stay this way rather than unleash whatever unlimited potentials i’d always thought i have, but this identity-crisis is swallowing me whole … i keep finding myself distant, slightly unhappy and wholly uncertain about a lot of things about myself.

i guess i’m tired, i don’t want to chase the Bold Girl I Used To Be anymore because she was a figment of a high-school girl that was the result of a protected environment- this girl now, this other little world now, a whole different set of rules … i feel 13 again, starting over, except the path i chose now is that other road i have never, in a million lightyears, thought i would ever pick.

but even without realizing it, i already have.

they say people who used to be quiet in high school revamp themselves in college and the bold ones just continue to gain more confident but… i really do work backwards, i’m moving the opposite way.

i really don’t know myself right now- yeah, “i’m searching for the sky i lost”- but i’m forgiven for this, isn’t it, because i’m only 18?

this isn’t the end, merely a standstill.

lately i do feel like running away from my girlfriends, because they have these ideas, expectations and long-rendered perceptions of myself- but i am so, so far from all of that and i don’t know how to just say this to them softly, “i’m so far from who i were,” and have them understand that for myself, there are many layers (perhaps too many) in those mere words.

Jat cleaned up the room today and almost threw away that cat-thing where i kept those sticky pictures- i thought about just letting it settle in the bin, but i picked it up again anyway…

i felt that i would regret throwing them away, but i also know i harbor no more hope of turning back the clock to those days, those girls, that girl i were…

but i guess i’m just not ready to mark it with a Gone For Good tag.

i feel so, so lost.

i think i’m just really unhappy with myself at the moment- being lost and confused simply don’t help.

“I’m searching for the sky (that I’d lost);”

(this is a scheduled post; i’m away for the weekend)

THE song that is singing my heart’s content (literally my heart’s content, what i’m currently feeling) – so yeah, READ ME IN THE LYRICS.

again by YUI (amazing chic!)
lyrics as usual thanks to awesome quartet4 at quartet4.net!

I should’ve
Been chasing after my dream

But on this winding, narrow road
I tripped over someone

It’s not like I want
To go back to the way it was

I’m searching for the sky
That I had lost

I hope you’ll understand

Stop putting on a sad face
As if you were a victim

Sins don’t end with tears
They’re meant to be suffered always

Who are you waiting for
In a maze of emotions with no exit to be seen?

I want to be honest and reveal more
Like I had written in my white notebook

I want
To escape from something

…is it reality?

Even the fact that I’m living
To make my dream come true

Feels like it could be forgotten
In the middle of a night like this

I can’t do things
The safe and easy way

…and I have no place to go back to

Does my life still have a long way to go
Before I can erase these emotions?

I’ll even welcome
This pain that I’ve come to miss

I should apologize, shouldn’t I?
ah, I’m sorry

I’m no good with words
I made you worry, didn’t I?

All that I held that day
All that I hold tomorrow

I’ll never
Put them in order

I hope you’ll understand

I softly closed my eyes
So I couldn’t see
What I didn’t want to

I can’t stand needless rumors
My first response is “which one?”

We’ll be friends when we meet again??
Don’t lie to me

Like a red heart that grows irritated
My body is burning from the inside

The truth is
I have high hopes

…for reality?

Even the fact that I’m living
To make my dream come true

Is something I want to scream out loud
Can you hear me?

I can’t do things
The safe and easy way

…and I have no place to go back to

I’m always grateful for kindness
That’s why I want to be stronger

I’ll even welcome
Enemies and allies so I can move forward

How exactly do I open
The next door? Have you thought about it?

I won’t turn back anymore
The story has already started

Wake up, wake up

Does my life still have a long way to go
Before I can erase these emotions?

I want to redo
Everything I’ve done

So I’ll go again

Even the fact that I’m living
To make my dream come true

Is something I want to scream out loud
Can you hear me?

I can’t do things
The safe and easy way

…and I have no place to go back to

I’m always grateful for kindness
That’s why I want to be stronger

I’ll even welcome
This pain that I’ve come to miss

“I (still) wish you were a stranger I can disengage;”

as Fi puts it, RIP. (ear-piercing, not me!)

the only picture you’ll see of me here in a LONG while, i can guarantee you  this most definitely ha ha ha ha ha.

(sarcastic mode: (just) turned off)

——-

i’m the kind of person who can spend an entire day- say, 12 hours?- all by myself and be totally cool with that; in fact, enjoy it greatly, really.

but sometimes at the end of that day, i feel tired, in this awkward zapped-out of emotional energy way.

i think i talk too much with myself in my mind- which is why i am a GREAT company for myself- but this also means i could be half-crazy, not want to interact with people and more introverted than i’d always thought i weren’t.

it still feels like i can’t find a sort of permanence in college and this leads me to wonder if i pretend to be someone else a lot more than i try to be myself; there’s this crazily insecure part of me who wants to be liked so much but then i realize and know it myself, the truth to the personal mentor’s words, “we don’t always have to win to be worthwhile.”

why do i always feel that only the outspoken ones are the ones who are deemed the Big People when personally for myself, i’ve always tend to admire the strong-silent-substance kind?

maybe i expect too much from college- i dived into it with all the expectations and assumptions in the world that this would be where EVERYTHING finally begins… only to realize, more than anything, it’s where everything i’d come to know and learn ENDS.

it’s not that i’m suicidal-unhappy or crazily obsessed about my identity crisis-

but at the end of a long day, whether having spent it genuinely happy, pretentiously happy or alone-happy (OR just lucked-out uber-bad day), as i make my way to the bus stop with my current playlist jamming on the (dying) iPod, i realize how much things have truly, truly changed both in- and outwardly.

i realized that i’m not all that happy as i always thought i ought, should and would be.