“Life’s When You Learn To Give.”

“The world is round, Jan. Soon enough you’ll be like that too.”

i hate couples, i really do -they make me feel sick.

or maybe i’m being nasty, because it’s a specific one i can’t stand.

——–

because life isn’t always ever clear-

because this is the toughest time in our lives thus far, because not knowing sucks as much as not getting what we want, because unattainable dreams just keep swallowing us whole, because pretending that we’re okay will only ever get us so far-

but keep your faith strong anyway, and insyaAllah He’ll lead you the way.

i’m proof of His grace, so don’t give in to that emptiness.

——–

in a way i feel i’ve come full circle, because it’s been exactly a year, isn’t it?

at that time, after it happened, the dramatic (and naive) me didn’t think i would ever get over it- in many ways i’m bitter and emotional, meaning i hold onto things others have persistently told me to just let go of- but i’m glad who i am now knows that what i had had lost then, i need not get back.

a year later, no, i won’t thank you for what happened-

but knowing what i know now, i’ll admit that the outcome had been great, despite the crazy hurt and my endless antics.

i’ve put it behind me, thank God for that.

——–

“Love is only what you give up
Life isn’t what you get
Love won’t always fill your cup
Life’s when you start to live
Life’s when you learn to give”

-In A Way, by Hanson

in a way too, i feel like i’m coming back to myself- that day i’d surprised everyone and sniped, then yesterday an angst and emotional turnaround mood…

but that’s the funny part, realizing this, i also feel as if i actually like the me that i’ve been lately-

that girl, she’s more stable, less on edge.

but she was also unhappy and always, always afraid.

when i reflected back to the old me, i realized that i had only been looking at the good points- that i was bold, brave… all that jazz- because i’d forgotten those other negatives bits:

that i could be terribly, terribly mean and that my emotions flow like wildfire within me- i were always too angry or too upset.

so here’s the thing, the greatest irony of all-

how does one “win”?

——–

there are two things i know i simply cannot stand and refuse to tolerate:

selfish people, and betrayal.

i know it myself that it was petty but gosh, i was dead-set angry.

is it that we are getting older, that i’m starting to be an independent body that need not always latch onto you for all kinds of support anymore that i keep feeling as if i’m seeing you for who you are now and unfortunately, can’t stand  you much?

i hate people who makes others’ lives difficult- the ones who selfishly, just because they’re having a bad day, bring others down as well and whereas on good days, everyone have to make their respective life-pieces fit unto yours.

its been years but i know even now, just as how i knew back then, that when it comes to him - i can never win.

“…sometimes you’re just going to have to lose.”

yeah, but is it all worth it, still worth it?

i’m tired of putting up with you;

truthfully, lately i can’t stand you at all.