“…this idea of permanence I can never seem to fully grasp.”

there’s this girl, a former schoolmate both in primary and secondary, that i never liked to hang out with because if we were to talk about dramatic antics, it’d be her-

you know the kind of person who can make a minor bruise to seem like cancer?

yeah, that’s just the kind of person she’s always been.

but here’s the irony- in my mind i’m thinking, ohh how can anyone stand her?

truth is, i’m not so different- an opposite pole to her antics, maybe, but still, in more ways than one, still similar.

i’m quite odd myself, if i may say so myself.

———

“Truth is, thank you for always treating me like part of the family.”

“I told Mel this (what i’d written in a letter to the family) and you know what she said? Of course she’s family, we’ve known her for 11 years already!”

and that was Manda’s Grandma who called me, to say thanks for the chocolates – Mel (Manda’s sister) saying that, aww such a sweetheart! ♥

i don’t know if she reads this space, but i’m really touched :)

——–

11 years on, that’s how long i took to realize:

hey Manda, you know what? YOU are my bestfriend.

i’m sorry i took so long to finally see this, you who’ve always been by my side. ♥♥♥

——-

so we went again to the nearest mall for lunch, but today something felt weird, odd – out of place.

then after a shocking RM115 bill from a sushi restaurant, we headed for waffles and crepe (plus, a “tower” of ice-cream) and if you know me well enough, you ought to know i’m a person who’s CRAZY about ice-creams.

but even with that present, i still felt odd.

something in the air wasn’t quite right today, somehow.

so they’re talking, and a trip to Malacca came up- it’s natural to join in the conversation when there’s only 4 of us, right?

then he casually said, “…is it worth paying for, if only 4 people?”

hearing that, naturally (or i don’t know, unconsciously? because i’ve been hanging out with them every other day this semester) i thought “the 4″ included me – i said something which implied this and suddenly the table quietened, the atmosphere harshly cold.

it was his expression to her that caught my attention and instantly got the hint across to me – it’s that uncomfortable glance, the one that questions “how do we tell her…?”- and good thing i caught that because instantly covering up my blunder (like really trying to), i said, “who’s the 4th person?”

silence, then “oh, G.”

“Ahhh, that noisy fella.”

uncomfortable silence followed.

thank goodness the food came after that and i kept playing it casual.

but the atmosphere’s just not the same anymore.

here’s the thing, i don’t know about you, but for myself, whenever i feel shame of any capacity, more often than not i remember the event very, very vividly.

take for one, this: when i was 11 i called out to a friend in another class loudly- only after she came to the door to see me (since i caused such a scene) did i realize there was a teacher in the class and he looked at me with a million disapproval glare.

it’s a minor situation right? no big deal- but i felt so ashamed at that time, just replaying this in my mind still makes my cheeks turn hot.

yes i’m not that susceptible to shame – this one, with only a table of 4 people and myself being the one who experienced it, honestly? i can still feel the heat rise to my cheek and my heart palpitating in response to the embarrassment i had felt.

i’m not a clingy friend, the fact i’m not invited doesn’t hurt me at all- it’s just this natural (but clearly wrong) assumption i’d made and being put in such an uncomfortable spot that killed everything.

it’s ironic, the semester picked up momentum to become so enjoyable that i genuinely thought hey, i’ve found myself a spot- i’m being quite ‘permanent’,  so to speak, only to find that as the last week of classes roll by…

i’m back exactly where i’d started off.

i’ve always had difficult moments in simply trying to belong somewhere, this idea of permanence i can never seem to fully grasp because my adaptability skills aren’t so good- so this feeling doesn’t surprise me, but i’m also weak cos i can’t help but feel kind of sad.

i don’t want to go back to where i’d started off.

that time was just hell, everything was unclear and crazily lonely.

how do i convince others that hey, i matter too?