“If I am so contented, why am I so lost?”

i’m practically a blogger-addict SUE ME.

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back in late 2007, when i had too much time (sighhh those were the days…) and nothing much to do except feed myself with dramas, i re-watched Nobuta wo Produce – something i’d watched by accident two years before that – which starred Yamapi …which led me to discover that eh! he’s in the same group as super-goodlooking (to me) Ryo, which brought me to NEWS, which then brought me to “RyoPi” and most infinitely, in stages, i finally arrived and became part of the livejournal community – a place i dare say, is the best for us non-Japanese/Korean/whatevers a.k.a English-understanding fans to obtain information etc about our favorite stars and shows.

“fangirl” however, is a term that until today, i can’t bring myself to admit – i know i am, but ugh, the immaturity of it is just… uhm, uncomfortable? – but i do have crazy moments of loving certain things (or people, or shows) to the point of giggling like mad and downloading with a speed so frenzied you’d never thought you’d see me like this!

but this is my open secret; open enough here anyway, haha.

initially when i joined the “fandom”, as how this sort-of-alternate-world is called, i was a silent follower …never commenting to anything, even when of course i’d have my own thoughts. even when taking icons or wallpapers and songs etc from fellow LJ user-fans – i’d never say anything, because honestly, i’d always thought that having online friends is something that’s weird.

but those were the days.

these days it’s fun, because i hardly talk about this in The Real World, leaving really random comments to posts like someone uploading a fancam concert video, or magazine translations, or their beautiful self-designed wallpapers and icons etc and yeap, leaving comments of THANKS! for my growing JPop and KPop songs.

these girls, we come from all over the world, yet it’s weird but also kind of amazing how just having one thing, albeit something so silly, similar as common ground – it’s funny how sometimes we’d leave and reply to comments as if we’ve been friends for ages.

it’s nice to not feel like such a stranger anymore.

but this is an open secret; at least, here in this cyber-world.

we have whole other lives all around us, it makes me wonder which facet of ourselves that we shade so easily in this alternate world – even here in this space – because we feel unrestricted; unafraid of judgments.

sometimes i think this girl who’s writing this is still very much the same girl that’s living and breathing the tales in this space but other times, i wonder whatever happened to her, if she’s only temporarily lost or simply has evolved into a different, perhaps better, person.

how does one explain a heart that feels broken because of one’s own self?

it makes me wonder if i keep hoping for something more for myself;

but what is that something more, is it something that truly is something that’s better than what i’ve had or been having before this?

or is it simply a substitute, an excuse, for not admitting that my insecurities are largely products of my own self?

it makes me wonder just what is it that i keep seeking.