because it is ungodly to think any other way.

i’m so scared.

Ayumi (Walk) by Greeeen
lyrics thanks to my favorite translator, quartet4.net!

We’re all lost in our thoughts, bearing various obligations
There are dreams we turn towards, while reaching out to others
Clench your teeth and lift your chin up
“Screw this! I’m not losing!” Steel your heart
And move forward little by little

Even if it’s muddy now a large flower will bloom one day
Place your hand on your heart and ask yourself, “Am I doing all I can?”
Come on, let’s go!!! Let’s make it better now

Realize that you’ll see tomorrow someday, each footstep is not in vain
Just be proud in these important days and let’s continue our “walk”

Everyone stumbles when things don’t go the way they planned
We think we’re the only ones and close our hearts, giving up
I felt pitiful when people made fun of me
I would blame someone else and run away
I couldn’t stand being so weak

Someday we’ll meet our ultimate selves
So you should laugh when you’re feeling miserable
Can you see what’s important?
Come on, let’s go!!! I know you can make it to your tomorrow

Realize that you will see it someday, each footstep becomes you
Raise your fist in these important days and let’s continue our “walk”

Hey yo! Just keep on walking it!!!
That’s all you need to do

Being special is nothing but a lie
Every walking day made you what you are now
I sweat as I moved forward and made myself, now here I stand
Don’t cry, don’t lose the heart to go after your enormous dream
Have unfading courage in your heart
The key that opens up the your unseen tomorrow

Realize that you’ll see tomorrow someday, each footstep is not in vain
Just be proud in these important days and let’s continue our “walk”

Realize that you will see it someday, each footstep becomes you
Raise your fist in these important days and let’s continue our “walk”

-

isn’t the lyrics just lovely and right-on?

i’m praying everyday; two more weeks before ‘the determinant’ comes out.

“You know, i’m always telling you about all these guys, but I’ve never or rarely heard you talking about guys in your college.”

“… Uhm yeah. There’s nothing to tell. No one’s attracted to me.”

it’s not that i’m lesbian – it’s evident enough here that i’m totally not, isn’t it? – it’s just that yeah, i’m not one of those pretty girls or whatever that easily gets guys – to even just steal glances – like flies (like my close friends the hot stuffs, for instance).

it’s a problem yes, but it’s not one i’m too concerned about.

yet.

but sometimes it sucks, i admit.

i’m not pretty, i know that – but i’ve got a good brain.

right now that’s more than enough for me because in case you didn’t notice, i’m sort of busy trying to conquer my world.

in an alternate world, maybe someday someone will see this (good brain, good heart but not good physique) and appreciate it too.

i hope. yeah, i hope.

drama junkie’s been busy.

.

The Time Traveler’s Wife movie-version is very parallel to the book – same concept, same characters, yet a whole different interpretation. i wouldn’t say it’s bad, but honestly? it lacks punch. it comes out fluffy, sweet… completely forgettable. so if you’re wondering which is the better version between the two – i’d say it’s definitely the novel.

that aside, reviewer-blogger aka fellow drama junkies like me weren’t kidding when they say the Jdrama scene is facing a disappointing year  – i picked the “highest rated drama of the season!” (their dramas follow the four seasons, which is why one show airs for 3 months)  so to speak, or otherwise known as BOSS, and find myself mighty disappointed, even yawning with boredom and shaking my head at the plentiful unrealistic scenes.

of course the fact that my (illegal) DVD died 10 minutes before the finale of the entire series might also be why it sucked.

if this is “the best”, gosh, the 7-8 others still in my list… ohh darn it, am i in for a bad drama-watching holiday?

i understand their latest trend now in the Jdrama scene – live-action, quirky dramedy and when it comes to the Japanese, you know the things they pull off are sometimes just plain weird (no puns or offense intended) but i’m old school  – i began watching my first Jdrama at 9 years old, a heartrendingly beautiful drama called Beautiful Life and yes, growing up emotional (or born emo?) my faves are always life-dramas.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW???

the reason why i fell for Ryusei no Kizuna last year (or was it early this year?) was cos of their ability to blend the new trend with the old-school Jdrama-feel… i like that, i really liked that.

so in conclusion?

this drama junkie’s currently experiencing Jdrama disappointment.

…which is why i switched to Kdramas and boy, was i in for a surprise as well.

Lawyers of Korea - this drama goes by a few different names, but two things are similar: Korea and lawyers – was bought because i put my faith in another fellow reviewer-blogger and i was not disappointed quality-wise; in Kdrama land, this drama is actually well-produced and the plot well set-up and established …except ohmygod, the (anti)hero was not working for me.

for the first time in my drama junkie years, i had contracted the Second Guy Syndrome and fell completely smitten – all throughout the series, mind you, so ouch! this sure hurts – for Second Guy. previously there were plenty Second Guys which were equally interesting, but as the series progresses i’ve never not switched ’ship’ – i’ve always been a fan of The Hero, whomever they may be – kinda jerkish like BOF’s Jun Pyo, completely jerkish Tae Joo of Que Sera Sera, pretentiously cold-hearted Shin-gun of Goong and even sweethearts like Ji-Oh from Worlds Within …yeap, you name it, i’ve fallen for them.

until of course, i come across Han Min Gook of this series, Lawyers of Korea.

but like every veteran Kdrama drama junkie, i know the basis, the fundamentals of a Kdrama - love is all about timing;

right person + wrong timing = BLEEEP, sorry no go!

so this sucked, because Second Guy up-and-left Heroine six years ago when they were already a living-together couple and came back to “claim” her (now this is a typical Kdrama hero type, which i don’t particularly like because dude, women are not objects for claim – i don’t care if it’s supposed to be sweet; people are loved, not owned) and all throughout the series he tried to win her back but because he is not The Hero, obviously the director can’t follow this storyline!

it’s only at the SECOND LAST EPISODE do we find out that actually he had to settle his family’s monstrous debt (yes, another typical Kdrama scene - familial love) which included donating a liver to his dad (yes ,it IS a drama after all) – the reasons why he up-and-left.

it’s only at the LAST EPISODE does Heroine find out these truths and few scenes later, sobbing, she went, “why didn’t you tell me this before you left? Or even right after you come back?! If you had told me this way earlier… my heart wouldn’t be filled with someone else now.”

at the other side of the world, aka in Real Life, this drama junkie is screaming YES WHYYYY, OMG LA (Second Sis) I’M SO UPSETTTT.

so for the first time in my ‘experience’ of watching dramas – i skipped all the supposedly fluffy, awwww scenes between Hero and Heroine and painfully endured the ending that obviously saw Second Guy not getting the girl.

if i’m to think objectively of this drama and review it critically, i know it’s actually a pretty fantastic and definitely strong drama – aside from the not-so-solid acting of the actress playing Second Girl, everything else was generally well-done, even the ending.

EXCEPT WHY MUST YOU MAKE THE SECOND GUY SUCH AN AWESOME GUY AND THEN IN THE END STILL GET HIM DUMPED WHEN HE IS DEFINITELY 10 TIMES BETTERRRRRR THAN THE IMMATURE HEROOO WHYYYYYYYY.

okay, i need a moment.

.

the second fundamental rule which i don’t usually agree with but have always at least respected, is the character growth that the director-writers will always, if properly executed, pull off in a mere 16-20 episodes.

in another particularly brilliant KDrama Queen of Housewives - i’d initially written a partial review about it but never finished it – which i’d watched months ago, the very-relatable plotline of two bestfriends from high school, 20 years later, how they grow up to be different women and the lives they lead …man, that was some solid acting and storyline.

i obviously like women characters which are feisty and if it can be helped, not very noisy – though this is pretty rare, since the Koreans in the dramas seem to shout at least once a day when they’re actually conversing everyday conversation.

which is why Que Sera Sera worked so well for my taste – both the Heroine and Second Girl were crisp, solid characters – and yes again, if i’m thinking objectively, Lawyers of Korea did deliver a pretty meaty Heroine with a strong backbone but… yes i’m somewhat shallow -

WHY NOT THE SECOND GUY WHYYYY.

okay, i need another moment.

.

the third fundamental which i’ll enlighten whoever’s still reading this entry (congratulations and thank you!) is the whole concept of Love Rules Them All - Kdramas of late are actually slowly defying this idea, because face it, as much as we love love, it’s pretty absurd, way too sappy and unrealistic to have Love Conquers All – that the extent they go is if the Hero or Heroine were to supposedly leave for overseas to say, pursue their educations, you just know it that the next scene you’re bound to watch is an airport scene with a seriously cheesy ballad playing in the background and someone – it could be the mains, it could be the supportings, but definitely someone, or a few someones – will be running frantically in the airport, searching high and low, aimlessly and heartbroken to find the person that’s supposed to leave.

in most cases, they’re found; in others, they’re found, yet they still they leave… or pretend to.

but anyway.

Lawyers of Korea had this airport scene – Kdramas’ three basics: airport, beach, hospital; you either have all three or one or two of them – but it didn’t veer off into cheesyland because everyone that were supposed to ciao, sayonara! did and they easily moved on to one year later.

BUT WHY COULDN’T THEY BE MORE DARING AND ACTUALLY MAKE HEROINE END UP WITH SECOND GUY WHYYYY.

okay, i need yet another moment.

.

…phew, this was some entry huh?

if you’re not a drama junkie, you’ll probably not get my fascination but i’ll admit that i take this seriously, literally – these dramas i watch are yes, kind of useless, but i’ve watched so much and learned so much as well that just like how one views the immense quality found when reading a good novel, this is the sort of feeling i have for good dramas.

i’ve a sense of respect for them, really.

okay, i’ll share with you one last fundamental of Kdramas – they always have A Point (or a few) To Prove.

sometimes this point is obvious, other times it’s hidden in symbolism – perhaps in particular scenes, perhaps the dialogue, perhaps the clever storyline interpretations – but good dramas always convey their point (or a few points) across well to the audience.

Lawyers of Korea actually did do that – the hero is an anti-hero (that didn’t work for me…) who’s shortcomings are definitely more when compared to Second Guy but still, love knows what the hearts wants (supposedly), for instance.

EXCEPT WHY NOTTTT, WHY NOT THE SECOND GUY WHYYYYYY.

okay, i need to chill!

signing out, drama-junkie N -

who’ll be busy translating a 42-pages ‘cognitive-behavior therapy simplified’ book from English to Malay for a cool RM1000.

…except i’m not credited cos i’ve agreed that Eldest Bro can put his name (his BM sucks anyway, haha).

but between you and i here in this space, we know the truth okay? ;)

oh, oh, oh, before i forget -

HAPPY 25TH BIRTHDAY NISHIKIDO RYO! ♥♥♥

i might be experiencing withdrawal from NEWS but i definitely still am in (imagnary) love with you! :)

i thought i got rid of it;

apparently it’s still stashed deep in the wardrobe.

my first thought?

breaking it to pieces, shuddering with disgust.

sometimes i am so darn bitter, but i’m fully aware that everyone have friendship scars of their own – my previous ones have even healed.

it’s just this bitter, bitter heart that stays on.

we were just stupid girls back then, after all.

or maybe it was only me that was kind of silly -

but none of that matters now, so what was all that drama about, N?

yet this bitter, bitter heart stays on, sigh.

——-

chatting with C right now – i’ve genuinely missed her ♥

——-

if i’m being honest, there’s actually a lot of fear and uncertainty still broiling within me – i’m trying to stay grounded, but most importantly realistic.

but i also  know that i can’t shut up about it here so if you’re sick of this issue, you can stay away from my blog for the month of November :)

so yes, i know here i’m going all desperate and gugu-gaga about finally being able to live The Dream and set my foot on US soil – it’s sounding somewhat ridiculous sometimes, this naivety honestly -but rest assured that at the back of my mind, i am concerned about Real Life adjustment issues i’m bound to face when i’m there, all alone and all that crap.

but one thing at a time la ok?

we take it as it comes, while holding strongly onto faith.

——–

…and she confided in me yet again;

i still don’t know the right things to say.

——–

C, SAYA GENUINELY RINDU AWAKLAH!

i think i can see my future.

Alhamdulillah.

with continuous prayers, that is.

but i think i can see it.

.

it seems bright.

you know you’re turning nutty when you start dreaming CHEMISTRY – waking up at 6am with a start cos the panic started kicking.

because chemistry paper is tomorrow and your life practically depends on it.

wait, that’s not you – that’s me!

.

okay that was lame.

anyway, i think i got a little too excited on Wednesday and yesterday that i couldn’t keep my head in the game but Alhamdulillah for the panic attack (very typical-N) last night because panic mode keeps me grounded.

makes me realize that heck, i haven’t even confirmed ANYTHING really!

but on a side note, i’ve officially confirmed a place in the university of my choice – more details when it comes true (wink wink; prays hard).

because she has been with me all throughout the way in support and belief, i await the day that i can text Fi and shout, “OMG ITS HAPPENING!!!!”

…but let’s not get too ahead of ourselves right now okay, N? :)

——-

i think i’m falling out of love with NEWS.

it’s kind of sad.

i’m trying to hold on but… the flame kind of died out.

——–

(open letter, cos i don’t know how often you check your email)

to Fi:

babe, i don’t know how else to reach you (no facebook hahahaha) since you said you lost your phone – and just so happen that two days ago was the day i sent you about 4 texts about my supergoodnews! (and thanking you for being so supportive, haha) – but anyway no matter, i miss you, hope you’re okay about this whole thing, that you’ll find it back if you could. let me know how/when i can get in touch with you! other than that, just stay healthy and happy! :)

love you, xoxo

3.4

that’s all that’s left.

scholarship agent says, “if you get that 3.4, you’ll fly.”

ALHAMDULILLAH!

i told you He’s taking care of me.

i am going to ace this. i am going to ace this. i am. i am.

insyaAllah.

I WILL FLY I WILL FLY I WILL FLY.

insyaAllah :)

everyone, please pray for me can you? ♥

this uncertainty is turning me into a nutcase.

the fact is, the worse that could happen (let’s be realistic here N, and remove all that emotional language – at least for this 20 minutes that you’re typing this entry) is that i stay on a couple more semesters, send in another half dozen set of scholarship application forms early next year and if the worse of all the worse still happens …i’ll go there much later, perhaps in 2011.

because i have decided that i will not give up my quest.

i told Third Bro the other day and realized how much I meant it, “I’ll still get there. It’s only a matter of when.”

on another related note, everyone in the family is being extremely supportive and not judgmental at all that it’s really sweet (now if only i didn’t create this problem myself, everything would work out beautifully…) and that i think it’s really true, i have an amazing support system.

so you see what i mean when i say He is always taking care of me?

“The truth is though, if the… worst happens, you know, it doesn’t work out – I don’t know the procedures on how to defer or whatever I’m supposed to do.”

“Exactly, don’t think about it. It’s not an option.”

but right now, i’m definitely NOT letting go of this Plan A -

…otherwise known as my shameless desperation.

sometimes i think i’m chasing after an illusion, that i think the grass is greener on the other side simply and only because it feels like something i have wanted so badly for eight years -

but there are random moments where thinking of not being able to reach it, not getting it, still being here - they honestly leave me feeling as if i want to hyperventilate;

i can’t breathe properly, my heart feels like it’s breaking.

so this means that this genuinely does mean A Really Big Thing to me, you know? i mean, it really does right?

i guess this sums it up best right now:

this close. too close. YET.

there a lot of complicated and not-so-complicated business.

i kind of wish i could see into the future.

.

battle starts tomorrow at 8am, another on Saturday at 11am.

please pray for me ♥

very stressed.

and i thought i was doing fine.