can someone please tell me why i’m feeling so anxious when i know my tuition billing is covered?

i’m not one of those people who receives scholarship and take it for granted – i guess cos it was so difficult to obtain one and later to keep it, i understand what it really is, is an investment:

they believe enough in you to invest a truckload of their money on you.

so you better be damn worth it.

which i guess, is why i’m feeling this crazy palpitations right now.

also, if you’re interested to know, my Winter term schedule is out – yes, if i didn’t make this official yet, i’m heading to Drexel University, a private university located in Philadelphia, PA.

i know you’re probably scratching your head right now thinking, what the hell’s that? or where is that?

it’s not Ivy League (at least, i didn’t hear about this if it is), but it’s definitely Ivy League-standard and i’d done much research when i was picking on universities – i’d chosen this because their environmental engineering program is strong and their focus is urban issues, including urban waste management, which if you didn’t know, is my primary interest.

Eldest Bro said last time, “go by the strength of the program. Then the name of the university.”

so i did.

people are looking at me funny, they think i could do better – perhaps i could? – or they’re trying to hold back their tongue in asking what they really want to, “Is this even a good university? Cos I’ve never heard of it before.”

but you see, in the US there are so many universities and as far as what i do know, Drexel is good. Americans ought to know it’s a good one. it’s private, which apparently makes it not be in world rankings much (or something like that) so it’s hard to say it’s number what, for those of you who loves statistics.

initially i wanted Penn State because of the name – most JPA scholars go there, so i wouldn’t have to endure the puzzled faces when they ask me which university i’m attending – and i did get offered a place!, but Eldest Bro’s words ring in my mind when i was making my choice.

so yes, I’m an incoming Drexel University student,

i hope you can be happy for me.

that said, these are the courses i’m to take starting from January 4, 2010:

• Calculus III
• Physics II
• Engineering 101
• Engineering 102
• CSC – computer basics stuff
• English 101

i knew they were coming, especially the first two

…but really? really, are you serious? right now?

tell me again why i chose engineering and not journalism or the like.

“In what order is your dream, US first or environmental engineering?”

(laughs)

“Environmental engineering.
Environmental engineering in the US.
Environmental engineering in the US under a scholarship.
I have it all now, technically.”

i know this is hardly a big deal – plenty others have dreams like this that they easily achieve, many more enter more suave universities and pursue greater things than i have and intend to – hey, my good, close friend T is applying to the likes of London School of Economics, Berkeley and NYU – but my world is small …the scope is at least, so much so that just achieving this feels like having the entire world within the grasp of my palm.

sometimes it still feels too good to be true.

but i’m grateful;

i definitely, definitely am.

——-

“Y’know, she’s taking the hardest combo and her predicted grades are A*.”

“I never said I doubted that she couldn’t do it.”

sometimes, genuinely, i still wish we’re close.

then i could be there for you that time when you really needed someone.

but ahhh, this isn’t big deal at all anymore.

——

it’s official that i’m wasting a lot of time during this holiday.

tapi nama pun cuti, kan?

better to enjoy than complain yo!

(and spare me from bad dramas eeee, it seems to be a downward graph)

Eldest Sis: If you come back with an American accent, I’m kicking you out.

Eldest Bro: If you come back with American nonsense, I’m kicking you out.

Third Bro: If you bring back an American boyfriend, I’m kicking you out.

Third Sis: Things I Want To Bring – Melanie [STAYING!]

doesn’t this just crack you up somewhat?

the last part is Jat – but since the pattern of ‘names’ seemed nice this time around, i wrote her as that for once; it’s also completely random, but cute – i saw the canceled mark on my post-it this morning and laughed aloud.

all those aside, can i say the one thing that has been on my mind?

OHMYGOD EVERYTHING IS SO EXPENSIVEEEEEEE!!!

every step of everything needs money, from applying to accepting to applying for visa, so much so that  every click i’ve made in settling housing et cetera is really killing me.

and i’m not even the one who is paying.

so you know what? i better make sure i work DAMN hard and enjoy the experience to the fullest.

that aside now, i’m technically all ready to go because visa is settled!

Really Cute Immgiration Dude was really nice about approving mine – they really don’t take this lightly, many spent 15+ minutes during the interview part – and didn’t make a big deal or fuss at all about my being an alien, aka not having fingerprints.

sigh, what can i do about this? it’s not my fault, it can’t be helped!

but everything else about the immigration part is scary to me, so i wasn’t exactly able to smile properly and acted coolly with Really Cute Immigration Dude – who, if you know my type, was totally my type haha; half asian, half caucasian – i’m thinking Japanese-American.

now, questions i want to ask aloud - if you have answers for me, please do!

• what are necessary basics i really ought to bring?
  …which usually people don’t think about until they’re there.
• how early do i ought to start packing?
  cos we’re talking about a 9-months-a-year trip for at least 3 years!
• what frame of mind should i put on in this before period?
  cos i don’t want to turn depressive when i’m there, if possible.
• WHAT THE HELL DO I REALLY NEED TO PREPARE?

sometimes it still feels surreal, only glimpses have i caught – i eat out with the family and realize no more of this soon…, or while sandwiched in bed with the sisters and their light snorings and bed habits (which i know all, haha) i’d feel slightly melancholic, thinking aw man none of this definitely, or when i’m out spending time with Mum – whom i’m still sometimes annoyed with – i’d realize ahh, no Mama there later.

those sort of moments, but on the other hand, it’s not like i’m dying or moving away forever - let’s not be dramatic, you know?

in my mind i’m not registering this as A Big Move, A Big Deal – i’m telling myself, i’m only gone for 6 months then coming back for summer break, we all know how time flies and the amount of studying and stress i must cope in a months’ time.

idealist, realist… what kind of frame of mind, yeah, should i put on right now?

i really don’t want to turn melodramatic and think, i’ll miss this… i’ll miss that…

what i’m trying to do right now is this:

Okay, dream come true. Reality check ahead.

i’m not a drama expert.

i’m a junkie when it comes to it yes, but not one of those bloggers/writers whom can write reviews or recap about the dramas brilliantly (or boringly, but still, that in itself is some kind of talent isn’t it?) – though i admit that i  am often influenced by their picks and ratings and other whathaveyous.

so this holiday has been a pretty disappointing drama-fest, i dare admit.

following Lawyers of Korea, i’d watched Bad Love - which is really just that: BADDDDDDDDD.

Hero was the Second Hero in Lawyers of Korea (remember my crazy rants?) but ugh, if anything, i became turned off instead!

so yes - skippppp.

then frustrated, i watched MR. BRAIN, Jdrama that stars The Hero Of All Time, Takuya Kimura – in here, he’s a brain scientist of some sort so there are quirky elements but to put it simply: it’s entertaining and while it’s definitely more believable than BOSS when it came to dealing with suspense and intensity, honestly, it’s forgettable, because it’s just average.

when i first decided to watch it, i thought, “Takuya, you better not disappoint me. You never did before.”

sigh, if only that was still true.

so even more frustrated at this point, i picked up Orthros no Inu, which stars my two favorite eye-candies – one’s my obvious crush, the other a secret one ha ha ha – Ryo and Tackey. there’s a drama cynic syndrome which i’m catching and not healing from… I’ve only watched the first episode and it seems like this series has potential to go somewhere but… at the same time, it feels a little flat.

maybe i’ll give my two cents about this in another review!

so lastly, here i arrive at La Dolce Vita, also known as Bittersweet Life – a Kdrama that many reviewers vouched as “the best Kdrama of 2008″.

finally, i’m glad to say i agree!

or okay, maybe partially because i admit it’s bloody good in its own rights but there are other 2008 faves of mine, like On Air (which all reviewers seem to hate but I DON’T CARE, I THINK IT’S AWESOME) and Worlds Within.

La Dolce Vita is pretty dark, definitely heavy and dramatic, but not altogether morbid.

there’s an ironic sense of hope in that series, really.

but my drama junkie radar did not go all out adrenaline-kicking, heart-fluffed giddy feeling;

probaby cos i’d managed to scour the DVD that’s subtitle-lousy, quality-lousy and AGAIN, for the THIRD time (after BOSS and Bad Couple) ended five minutes before the ending of the last episode!

it’s also possible that i didn’t “feel” it as much as others did because i went on something of a 14-hours straight of the series, cutting 24 episodes’ worth into yeah, 14+ hours, thanks to my improving fast-forwarding skills.

and that of being on holiday but, hey i totally deserve this break!

so this is sort of strange: i love it, i do – it’s intense and melodramatic, which is my cup of tea (ha ha) – and yes like other good ones i watch, it lingers in my mind hours after i’d finished it… but i can’t think of a particular scene, or specific thoughts of mine, to write out here.

so hmm, how could something leave a lasting impact if in the end, i’m somewhat out of words about it?

…okay, here’s something: it’s delicious.

boy-toy, dark hero Lee Dong Wook was fantastic (be reminded i’m a drama junkie, not a drama expert who typically smartly analyzes acting chops etc…) as that tormented, probably bipolar or schizophrenic dude, who in the end jumped down from the penthouse (i’m not giving any spoilers – the show opened to this scene and flashback to 6 months earlier).

“I’ve only one reason to live – loving you – but hundreds of reasons to die.”

it’s interesting that altough they’re still sticking to the typical principal Love Prevails Everything, in the end their love couldn’t save him from his own inner demons – hence the quote above; powerful, i tell you.

that lady who played Heroine aka The Unhappy Wife Who Got Involved In A Passionate Love That Ends In Tragedy (basically summed up the entire plot, no?) was also fantastic – dudeee she doesn’t look ajumma-ish at all, i can bet you on that – and although i was a little irked that she turned somewhat clingy towards the end (only for awhile though, thank goodness) i like it that her character has rational aspects.

older woman, younger man relationship? i dig - ohhh i totally do :)

drama junkie’s gotta make a move now – see you later alligator, haha!

“You know how you want something so badly because it’s just not within your reach? But as you get closer and closer to it… sometimes you wonder – “

“You’re overthinking things. Don’t overthink. It’s meant for you.”

(Fi is still the most awesome friend, haha)

i’ve got roughly 6 weeks; bring on the countdown.

you’re looking at…

the girl who has made it!!

let’s say this first, aloud, in capitals and with utter sincerity:

ALHAMDULILLAH!
ALLAH S.W.T IS GREAT ♥

getting grades A and A+ both means a 4.0 GPA and following that, CGPA of 3.4 – only of course A+ is ‘better’ than A, even if just slightly.

so guess what?

A+ for Chemistry II and A for Public Speaking!

yesterday i thought to myself, “maybe I worried for nothing all this while, unable to shut up about this when things will actually turn out alright.”

but that’s why we’re humans you see, unable to see the future. just as quickly, i realized that i would rather feel this way – that i’d worried for nothing – and really, i’m actually more glad about all that worrying i did because if there was no fear and desperation, there wouldn’t be that effort, that prayers, that determination.

“If it is meant for you, then no matter what’s to happen… it’ll be yours. It’s meant for you.”

and remember this too, what my dad said?

“It’s not Allah s.w.t way of making your life hard for you [to live]. If you pray and ask for it, He will give it to you, definitely.”

yes He did, indeed, definitely – i guess it’s meant for me;

Alhamdulillah, i’ll be living The Dream soon :)

(Eve, please tell me you’re so proud of me!)

(details about my university coming soon!)

Fly Again by NEWS
lyrics thanks to goro-chan.livejournal.com!

We walk the same way home as always thinking
We wonder if we’re getting closer to our dreams

Not everything will go well, we know that
But our worries won’t fade away

Everyone has uncertainties about the future and are hounded by pressing time
When we’re about to give up on dreams that we aren’t sure will come true

We look up at the endless sky, raise our arms and yell out
We have feelings in our chests that haven’t disappeared
If we step out with certainty, someday we’ll fly again

If there are things we want to do, we should go ahead and do them
We already know that

If you still remember the promise we made that day
Let me hear your voice!

With huge, invisible uncertainties we’re being chased by something again
When we’re about to give up on dreams that we aren’t sure will come true

We look up at the endless sky, raise our arms and yell out
We have feelings in our chests that haven’t disappeared
If we step out with certainty, someday we’ll fly again

Yes, no matter what happens, you can fly again
We’ll go on singing that we believe
So no matter what happens, even if there are days that make us cry
We’ll raise our arms to tomorrow and fly again

We look up at the endless sky, raise our arms and yell out
We have feelings in our chests that haven’t disappeared
If we step out with certainty, someday we’ll fly again

-

i’ll find out everything tomorrow – result, “status” …everything.

honestly?

i’ve never felt so scared in my entire life as i do right now;

everyone, please pray for me?

let’s all hope tomorrow’s entry will be a jumping-with-joy one.

…if it isn’t, or there isn’t one at all, then you know what that means.

i really hope that won’t be the case. ever.

it’s funny how events are unfolding, things falling into place.

sometimes i still wonder if i’ve made all the right choices.

“Let’s use this way, pass all the old landmarks – “

“Aiyakkkk…”

“Places that remind us of a time when things were uncomplicated.”

“Hah, true that.”

is it only me who feels that as if high school was lightyears ago?

when we were younger, we’d always anxiously want to be adults but now, stuck at the juncture of leaving teen years behind and entering the adulthood world soon enough, i’m shaking my head in confusion.

as we grow older, so many things become clearer – how things we didn’t understand back then, we now see them in a totally different light, how feelings we have for things and people are interpreted in ways that shed more ‘heart’ into them these days.

but growing up also means a number of things are taken away from us.

that naivety, for instance.

that little bubble world where we belonged and fit in nicely as who we are, no complicated questions ensued, for another instance.

that hands and faces of the people whom could accept us as who we are because we have a shared history together, a childhood together, yet another example.

honestly? i miss that innocence, because lately while things are between the brink of excitement and nervousness, there are also lots of shades of gray; confusion, complications, Real Life issues -

our own demons to face up to.

it’s funny to realize how much time flies – in fact, look where we are now, only a month and a half away to a new year! – and the fact that whenever i look back to things, especially to times that had seemed so difficult back then, i’d just laugh over the me then.

i do want to talk about my fears here, but admitting them aloud is itself a scary thing – it makes me feel that everything is truly, truly for real, that i’ll really be leaving, that i’ll be miles and miles away from home, that i’ll truly end up being an engineering major (still scares the hell out of me), that although everything seem good from a distance here, the reality definitely wouldn’t be as beautiful as i’d perceived…. that… there’s just so much fear within me, you know what i mean?

the other day i met A and told her, “I think… things are falling into place. It was difficult, but I think they’re falling into place.”

“Don’t jinx it!” She responded.

then i told her about my college experience this year, how only in this last semester – because i was so busy trying to hold onto my dream  – i’d finally stopped trying so hard and simply be myself as much as i can in college – i told her about the racial slurs, intentional or otherwise, that i’d hear or sometimes receive in college… how it often feels that everyone is so busy trying to define me, whether i’m this or that… things i’d never cared to think too clearly about last time all rose to the surface – am i Muslim? am i Chinese?

back then, these things… i simply were, you know? they just are.

then i entered college.

“It’s no wonder that you had a tough time there, you received so much judgment.”

that got me thinking – is it because even early on, i’d perceived the questions and glances as such or have i been interpreting them face value?

it’s a question i hope i won’t have to find the answer to, because that would mean having to come back.

it’s not that college was bad – it was the turning point, after all – or that the college friends were bad people …but my perception of the place and people were often confusing and unhappy that it becomes difficult to think back and remember it and them as something that touched me deeply.

maybe i sound ungrateful – maybe when (if?) i’m there in my university, i’ll think back and realize that these times weren’t so miserable, that although i were constantly trying too hard, although people kept wanting to define me, although it was the loneliest time in my life thus far …

if only i had not let myself fall to the darkness, i would have been happier.

but i try not to carry regrets and what ifs with me;

once something has passed, good or bad, i pat my chest and whisper to myself, smiling softly, “it’s okay.”

because in this juncture of leaving the teen years and facing up to adulthood, i’ll stumble upon plenty loopholes, shed buckets of tears, laugh like there’s no tomorrow, reflect and ponder to my heart’s content and work hard like never before -

but most importantly, i’ll live through these moments.

i’ll live through them and look back, laughing at the me then.

i hope to live this way.

because it is ungodly to think any other way.

i’m so scared.