Perhaps.

yesterday I sat with a senior-friend classmate from Public Speaking class while in the library – she supposedly revising it and myself researching greater details about my university choices – and she was surprised to find out that i’m trying to work on leaving in January next year; hardly three months away!

“Wow, so independent! But don’t you think it’s too soon?”

that left me thinking for a bit, and you know what’s strange?

it’s now the eighth year of having and holding onto this dream, almost too long;

it feels like a long time coming for me instead.

“…I’ve wanted this since I was 11. So it feels like it’s about time.”

——-

semester 3 is from today, officially over. it’s been a messy past two semesters that i’ve turned indifferent about college as well as college friends; yesterday i ate with the supposedly old gang – why is the pattern always like this, the first half hour they’re interested to include me into the conversation and the second half they’re talking among themselves about holiday trips that clearly excluded me? – but found myself not feeling ousted or sad or whatever else anymore.

i like them, i’ll miss them if i leave, but… there’s something almost superficial about these friendships that for myself, it’s genuinely hard to treasure it in a similar way as i do with certain high school girlfriends.

so if it works, the friendships stay alive, then okay – if they don’t, that’s alright too.

yes, only at the end of the semester – perhaps, hopefully, the end of everything here – do i realize that.

neither them nor me have to be perfect, and really, that’s okay.

so i left college just now at 11am feeling… in a way, contented, as if i had accomplished something great.

.

and perhaps i did,

because i think i’ve found myself - or at least, the essence of myself - again.

——–

i don’t think she remembers this incident or having said that, but i somehow do.

when i was 14, it was English class and we were discussing some poem or something – it was about pretense, how one would pretend to be all confident and have-it-all when in truth, her insides are shaking.

perhaps that’s every one of us, at one point in time, if not always.

so my teacher (my second personal mentor) asked the class to point out one person whom everyone thinks really has that inner-outer combo and they said my name aloud, to which she then asked, “are you sure, you mean she doesn’t have any no-confidence attitude?”

everyone generally went something like, “it’s N, obviously she doesn’t!”

but you see, amidst all that, someone else answered differently;

she said, tersely and quitely, “she might.”

i came home that day and told the personal mentor, “I’m surprised. I think I’ve found a friend who could actually see me for who i  really am.”

there’s no relevance to this memory with my current state right now – or perhaps there is, somewhere between the lines – i know that, but lately,  somehow, i wonder what was it that (i felt) she saw in me, more than any other friend.

fast-forward 4 years later, the friendship is broken; things are different.

i’ll probably never get my answer.

——-

i’ve told this to Fi because when it had happened early this semester, she was the first one to tell me, “maybe these things happen for a reason.”

maybe that’s true, after all.

because as i’m heading to the closure of this dilemma – well, sort of, kind of – it almost feels as if things are and could possibly fall into place after all; how the timelines and everything else seem ‘just so’ feels more than coincidental to me.

i know i could be swallowing back my words, but right now i refuse to think in such a way.

perhaps it’s because i’m someone who believes in the Highest Power.

but that’s the greater discovery – that no matter what happens and how awful things have felt for me, both in the past and present,

He is always taking care of me. always.

because i have never truly literally lost everything, you know?

because i’ve never felt as if i’ve been abandoned.

instead, He keeps giving; somehow, there will always be Plans B, C, D for me.

some may call this blind faith, yet others may say that it is coincidental and mere good luck that all these things happen but hey,

i call this faith, definitely :)

This Close. Too Close. Yet.

i know i’m noisy, it’s like i can’t shut up about this.

but if all goes well, IF all goes well – which i’m trying my very, very best to ensure it does – i might just…

be headed to the city of Philadelphia.

maybe, maybe.

(let’s contain the excitement ...for now.)

“Change is the only constant in life.”

so i ended my Public Speaking class with 50.05% out of 60% – i had 55% in mind initially, changed my mind when i realized i’d lost 8% already and yes, targeted for 50% and… here i am, at my mark.

but you know what this means?

i’m still nowhere near safe ground;

i must score a whopping 35/40 for finals!

that’s a MINIMUM of 88/100!

coming into college, sometimes i wonder what is “good”, or “great”, or “almost-perfect” mark anymore – i used to think  that while yes, the grades would matter still, they wouldn’t be as emphasized on (and therefore, stressful) like in high school.

BUT OH MAN HOW WRONG I WAS.

but honestly, Allah s.w.t has been more than kind – the things i had had targeted, prayed and worked for, He has given them to me (and more, of course) that it’s difficult to assess gratefulness – how do i say Alhamdulillah and mean it when in my heart i’m thinking about that extra 2-5 marks i could have had obtained if i hadn’t made careless mistakes?

when do and can i actually be genuinely satisfied?

how far does one chase after the very best of THE best?

i know my limitations, so honestly i know that these successes of mine all these years had definitely came about thanks to Him rather than myself, so this conflicting feeling of feeling grateful for the already-okay (and yes, what is “okay” now, 15/25? 20/25? 24/25?) marks yet wishing for m0re (in other words, being ungrateful) is leaving me feeling mostly ungodly.

i hate that.

right now, i tell myself, “i’ll obtain that 35/40 and get that A.”

more than myself, i have faith in Him – but i’ll work hard myself, to make sure i deserve this blessing and miracle which i’ve been praying hard for.

game on, game on; it’s the race to the ultimatum, after all.

i’m tired of being so damn afraid, every single time.

——-

on a side note, i realized yesterday – finally, and suddenly at that – why do i try so hard to not be myself, to act like other people in college?

so what if my laptop wallpaper is some cheesy korean/japanese sissy-like boybands?

so what if my ipod is full of foreign songs  – language i only imagine in my mind that i understand or will one day master – or that i’m a full-fledged Asian drama junkie?

so what if i’m too emotional, talks too loud and/or too much, laughs at things others don’t and am way too serious and rigid in certain things?

so what if i’m not cool, pretty or very, very smart?

so what if i have a somewhat dysfunctional family?

because in the end, there is always someone who is worse off.

because in the end, i am someone that is worthy enough for myself.

if this was enough last time, why isn’t it now?

yes a lot of things have change – as my Chemistry lecturer wisely puts it, “change is the only constant in life” - but the essence of myself should not be wavered, because i am largely the product of my principles and faith.

i’ve been a fool.

i feel like i’ve been fooling myself this past year, chasing after the shadow, figment of a me that does not exist.

it’s funny that only as the semester, the college school year, is coming to an end is when i’m finally getting this so-called Great Revelation.

but nonetheless, no matter – the journey of self is never easy or short.

i’ll probably relapse, as is typical of me, but for now -

who i am now, as i am today, is okay.

.

this, i’m definitely grateful for.

“Don’t Think, Just Do.”

I GOT OFFERED INTO THREE OF MY FIVE UNIVERSITIES!!!!!

the best part?

one of it is my second-choice, so if the first fails through (prays otherwise), then i’ll still be able to land back on the second-best.

the only thing now is to make sure i get that 3.4 and… pray for the best that i won’t be dropped by my scholarship body, as you’re all aware by now.

but still, the reality check aside, this is pretty exciting news right? :D:D

——

sometimes i still find it strange, how our roles seem to reverse suddenly.

she confided last night, “it’s that I don’t feel anything, just numb. It’s not really a bad thing – better this than depressed, I guess – but it’s strange. I’m someone who generally when faced with a challenge, steps up to prove my worth. But somehow this time around I’m so demotivated, because I feel that just as I’d overcome one hurdle, there are still 10 million others.”

why do i always not know what to say?

so i quietly close my eyes, offering silence instead – hoping it could speak the things i do not know how to put into words of encouragement – and both of us drifted to sleep.

if i’m being honest, i wish i could hold you, tell you that i believe you would get through this hurdle, no matter how difficult, because that’s what we’ve always been - stronger than we think, always.

you taught me that.

——-

sometimes i think everyone has moved so far ahead that it’s me who is  truly, truly, at the losing end – because i don’t know the extent of letting go that i’d had achieved.

i would see everyone else so happy and realize, why am i fooling myself, being so stupid and immature?

i know this is going to come out sounding downright defensive, but truthfully, sometimes justification for every single act that we do is plain difficult.

sometimes things just are, you know?

why is there a need for justification for every damn thing?

they are what they are; we feel what we feel.

i won’t justify this.

——-

even now when i think about it or hear about the risk of not getting 3.4 or getting that (ahh the joy!!) but still being dropped by the scholarship body – my heart tightens still,  my skin hot with shame and fear, my breath coming out in shallow breaths.

fear is friend that’s misunderstood, no?

lately i’ve been demotivated – finals is a week away, THE ultimatum to everything i had worked my ass of these past few weeks – yet i couldn’t seem to push myself to study harder than ever, be better than ever.

but then i remember my old personal belief,

“Don’t think, just do.”

and so i did.

here’s to (my) the race, the fight, the emotional war towards the ultimatum -

may i come out successful, by His grace, insya-Allah.

In Between Past and Future (duh).

Jat said i have lousy people skills “-_-

which is probably true, seeing as how i turn weird once i’m in the company of people i’m uncomfortable with almost every single time, but… man, that sure sounds sad.

especially when instead, ironically that is, i’m always extra comfortable with people who are much, much older (think elderly or 30+).

——-

“IF all goes well, IF, hopefully I’ll be able to fly by January next year.”

“…If it’s you, everything will definitely go well.”

but you see, that was the N of the past you’re talking about – this N of the present, well, she has to really genuinely fight hard and pray hard for it.

but it’s okay, i’m all “come what may” right now, cos I am and I will continue to give my all till the very end.

in my mind, i’ll come out of this rut successfully.

——

sometimes i feel so far from who i was, so far from the company of those i’d previously grown accustomed to that it’s… weird.

it’s so hard to communicate, or is it just me who refuses to try?

it makes me silently wonder, whatever had changed?

it makes me wonder, as always, is it me or is it everyone else?

but i’ve learned that we don’t need the whole world at our fingertips in keeping friends -it doesn’t make you a bad person in choosing to keep only a few close by.

maybe it’ll only last for awhile but no matter,

a toast to the past: goodbye!

Still.

i am in love.

with another Kdrama – what else is new?

totally getting hooked with You’re Beautiful but ahh, such bad timing!

——

my theory is, sometimes we can only love someone when they’re apart from us – yes initially of course we’ve come to care for them when we were always in one another’s company, but then as time goes on, to make that love stick, somehow distance apart pulls us together; somehow it’s more difficult when they’re actually around, living and breathing in front of your eyes.

or perhaps it’s simply just the idea of love itself that leaves one fazed.

then again, i don’t know; i’ve never been in love.

This Is Us (No, I’m Not a Backstreet Boys Fan).

perhaps the expectations of adulthood is starting to catch up in this house, that the word ‘marriage’ is probably, i dare say, the most talked about topic since the past few weeks – i am only 18, so allow me to grimace in disgust.

“I wonder which of my children will marry soon.”

“None anytime soon.”

“What do you mean? Aren’t your elder brother and sister planning to?”

“Honestly, the way I see it… We’re all still differentiating into becoming the people we hope to be. We’re still trying to chase after our dreams. I mean, I’m not talking about me obviously. They still are. And we’ve been raised in such a way that we don’t like to settle for less than the best. So yeah…”

“But I thought at least people would have boyfriends…?”

.

ohh my poor Mum, how disappointed she must feel.

but that’s the thing, because i am the one who is always here, always around, constantly looking after the others – in more ways than you think – as well as simply observing how they’re living, the extent that i can claim in knowing the persons they are, honestly i really dare say that nope, this ain’t gonna happen anytime soon.

it’s too damn complicated anyway.

——-

here’s the thing, we’re siblings, yet we’re all such different individuals that sometimes it’s just crazy, how we clash in opinions, belief and way of lifestyle.

i know it’s typical, that all siblings are unique, but sometimes i wonder if we merely co-exist within one space, or if the silence that we have allowed in accompanying us when we’re in the company of one another is supposed to speak louder than anything else.

as we grow so much older now, the differences are beginning to seem so much more obvious it feels kind of insane at times, for me.

sometimes i slither in angst or disgust at the things my siblings say because i disagree so strongly, sometimes i lowered my head in disappointment because i wonder, have we always been so different in our beliefs?

secretly sometimes i wonder if we’ll grow apart because we’ve always been such separate individuals, bounded together only by blood.

but i think in this, i’m wrong.

at least, i sure hope so.

wait, let me rephrase that: i better be wrong.

——-

impromptu speech practice (this too, remains the same: i still suck at it);

The Sweetest Girl In May Intake was the last to speak and her topic was 1Malaysia – or somewhere along the lines of how we Malaysians are special cos we’re of mixed-races and all that jazz… she goes on to say, “look around you. In this room itself, there are Chinese, Indians and Malay -”

(she deserves the color baby pink cos she’s too darn sweet)

one dude sitting at the back suddenly went, “there’s no Malay here!”

then the class went into a pleasant riot, something like “Oi! There is la! Jan!”

Ms K sarcastically (as is her trademark) went, “which part of [my full name] isn’t Malay to you?”

my good friend, The Tallest Guy In College at 7-feet Tall pat my shoulder and said, “don’t worry Jan, I support you.”

in protest, The Dude replied “But she’s half Malay and half Chinese!”

Ms K retorted back, “Well, she’s Muslim. So she’s Malay.”

you see, I’m kind of slow – because it’s been a fun class, with everyone having been trying with impromptu speech – “when you’re preparing for it it’ll be the shortest 5 minutes of your life; when you’re in front trying to do it, it’ll be the longest five minutes of your life – trust me.” – so i’ve been laughing like some madwoman (even though I didn’t do very well myself) and when something like this was going on, i didn’t catch on as quickly as the rest whom had immediately spoken against him.

but you see, here’s the thing: am i supposed to be offended?

because i’m not and if anything, what i’m more concerned about is Ms K’s last statement – because Muslim isn’t something that’s associated by race; in this day and age, we all know that not all Malays are Muslims too, don’t we?

then there’s that pat on the shoulder – completely sweet gesture, i agree – but yes once more… am i supposed to be offended?

i’m a half-and-half that’s neither completely one nor the other and all through growing up I’d struggled crazily with trying to define myself from this – coming into this college, things just get more heated up and confusing, sometimes amusing too, because race, it feels like sometimes, a never-ending debate or topic for conversation.

lately though,  i am so used to it – the surprised look of “oh you’re Malay!” or “oh you’re not Chinese?” – that everything’s just amusing really, in fact i go by with so many different names these days – literal, common nickname, suddenly-appeared-nick, self-invented; you name it, something’ll pop up – which sometimes sounds Malay, sometimes Chinese, sometimes English …hell, i couldn’t care less.

it’s the Muslim label i’m more concerned about because it is not another race, so it shouldn’t be associated in such a way to make it sound as if it is.

but for now, like with everything else – i let it slide.

but only for now.

——-

i’ve found the drama of the year that could most possibly rival Boys Over Flowers - yes this particular one which i had totally gone gugu-gaga (copyrights to Fi, haha), head-over-heels and hyperventilating mode over, previously – because this current one, ohh it’s delicious; a strange word for description, i know, but that’s what it feels like to me.

it’s called You’re Beautiful and so far, it’s insanely (my current favorite word, heh) FANTASTIC!

i’ll be busy with finals in two weeks though, so we’ll see if i can sacrifice some time …otherwise i’ll be on hold from it but no matter, cos i’m definitely going to follow it till the end!

…have i mentioned the hero is, to me at least, very yummy? ;)

If You Feel Sorry For Existing, Then That’s A Problem.

sometimes it’s good to be on the brink of losing something;

it makes you realize just how much harder you have to fight to keep it.

.

two weeks left, still soldiering on.

captivate.

it’s nice to know that not everything is lost in the past;

“You deserved it.”

full marks, 25/25 for public speaking “Gossip” speech today :)

also,

28.5/30 for Chemistry II Test 2 -

it’s been a great day today, Alhamdulillah ♥

faith.

“It’s not Allah s.w.t way of making your life hard for you [to live]. If you pray and ask for it, He will give it to you, definitely.”

that’s my dad for sure.