wonder

My father wants to talk about death, but I’m not ready. I understand what he’s not saying, by saying, “I hope your sister finds a good man when we are gone – by ‘we’ I mean your mum and I.” I left him on blue tick marks. Death is not knocking tomorrow, but it has … More wonder

change of seasons.

I lost a friend recently, because we’re now different people, and a close friend who always remembers me kindly had asked for an update a few nights ago. It ended up becoming a long stream of messages (voice, chat) until 2 AM. I later thanked her for allowing me to talk about this. The friend … More change of seasons.

a happy ending

I have received news about my outcome from the recent reorganization – successfully landed a role! All turned out well, including staying in NL (for another year or so), which gives me great relief. My offer also came with a promotion which, I admit, makes me the happiest cos of this is becoming increasingly hard … More a happy ending

the crossing

I have been wanting to write this: I had 2 great weekends in a row, complete with amazing weather and worthwhile company. Sometimes I approach this still-a-twilight zone that I’m in like I’m gonna leave the Netherlands by end of July; if I have only a few months left here, where are the places that … More the crossing

“I love you”

Words that have been brewing for a long time: At the last gathering with grad school classmates before graduation, a classmate of foreign descent said, within earshot of everyone, “The only reason you’re heading back home is cos you don’t have anyone.” Rude, in whatever culture. I was humiliated. I gave a short reply and … More “I love you”

lost / losing

“Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried. Grief like yours, love like yours, can only be carried.”— Megan Devine, It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand A friend recently admitted to a consistent and persistent feeling of inherent sadness. She is still coming … More lost / losing

spring forward!

I told myself that I get to write this after submitting my applications. I have! It’s also the last day of March so it feels fitting. I feel like myself again after an emotionally rough 3 months. ‘Healing’ is a word that I hate – alongside ‘self-care’ and other concepts that prayers are to me … More spring forward!