you don't know me.

“Something was and wasn’t there between us, something went on and went away.”

April 30, 2018

Came across an excerpt of this poem and decided to look up the full version; wow, my heart – plummeted upon first read. ‘First Love’ is beautiful in a way that all great poems tend to be – simultaneously vulnerable, enchanting, and heartbreaking. “They say the first love’s most important. That’s very romantic, but not my … More “Something was and wasn’t there between us, something went on and went away.”

Office Crush / Stranger Crush

April 30, 2018

A long list of what it is like in the inner recesses – still a maze and clouded by shame – of my mind and heart: “He’s just not that into you” “It feels like a rejection as an individual and it… hurts. I get it if you don’t like like me – but why … More Office Crush / Stranger Crush

heart-pain / heart-work

April 29, 2018

Back here cos this is my safe space for whenever I attempt to mentally declutter: I am actually and have been in a real soul and heart unease lately. It has been a few months but I feel like my bouts of loneliness are getting (or just feeling) worse. The thing is, lest you worry, … More heart-pain / heart-work

the coming out (2018)

April 27, 2018

Putting this here cos I don’t want to forget: I will not hide my Muslimness anymore, nor will I apologize for or feel humiliated because I’m it. I will not hide my Muslimness anymore even with non-Muslim individuals (a historically long list) whom I find myself attracted and drawn towards – I will not be … More the coming out (2018)

‘fitting in’: a lifetime predicament.

April 14, 2018

I’m going to try writing this down to find out if I can make sense of this ache… . I have struggled to fit in my whole life to the point it now feels like a lifetime predicament. Fitting in. How I loathe these 2 words. These days I wonder if it is a psychological … More ‘fitting in’: a lifetime predicament.

half-half / neither

April 8, 2018

Trevor Noah reiterated several times in his fantastic memoir ‘Born A Crime’ that race is a social construct. I nodded my head each time that sentence appeared, yet no closer to unwinding my own views. More than the stories of his mother (who is amazing, naturally reminded me of mine) and his frank views on … More half-half / neither

“I don’t know how to come in easy on the Muslim part.”

April 7, 2018

I wonder if I always knew, whilst a child years ago, that I would find myself in a cyclic dilemma as an adult; one of borders and divides that I cannot and will not cross yet wonder what it would be like, how easy it would be, if only if only if only- Was that … More “I don’t know how to come in easy on the Muslim part.”

forever in the season of change.

March 27, 2018

Does it happen to you, too? Sometimes I think I have so much longing… wanting… that I don’t know where to place them except on the prayer mat to God, who is All-Knowing and All-Merciful. My prayers become long, often jumbled up with thoughts at loose, and emotions so deeply stirring yet confusing that I’d … More forever in the season of change.

a love (un)imagined(able).

March 18, 2018

My senior-colleague-friend asked two nights ago, “Would you be open to date a non-Muslim person, if one came along?” “I would,” I answered. I went on to tell her about how my answer would have been the total opposite just a year ago. What I didn’t tell her was that despite my recent openness, the … More a love (un)imagined(able).

“May we grieve loss without personalizing it;”

February 4, 2018

Ending tonight with a fresh one – sort of. Borrowed words which resonate strongly back in November of last year… all good now – funny how little I care now, and I mean this factually – and glad these words are a keeper. “Sometimes people walk away from love because it is so beautiful that … More “May we grieve loss without personalizing it;”