You and I are worlds apart in difference, and I hate you for seeing the things I refuse to.
I’m also grappling with self-doubt and there are periods when I’m really at my lowest, and it lingers for days. Sometimes I am genuinely scared that I’ll find myself with some kind of depression when I’m older. Because there are days when I feel so upset that it clouds me the entire day. … The truth is I’m tired of feeling so incompetent and insecure, but so far all attempts to search for missing remains of myself haven’t exactly been successful. I don’t know why or how I’m so stuck in this moment, this bubble, where I play victim. I don’t know how to explain it, but I know enough that I am not happy with myself, that I am unable to accept myself. So I play all these roles outwardly, this mentoring and RA and everything, chasing dreams bigger than myself and my abilities, in hopes that I’ll one day arrive at that point where I think I am worth more than I give myself credit for – but they never fail to leave me overwhelmed, like I’m pushing so hard to prove something … anything, to myself. Yet I am also afraid I am my worse enemy – that in my very eyes, I fall short in every category possible; hence the root of my problem infinitely lies with me. Before anyone can judge me, I’ve already judged myself incompetent, you know what I mean?
My greatest fear, right now?
That I will remain lonely as I am right now – and unhappy, unable to accept myself.
It’s been plaguing me for days now, this deep isolation and loneliness.