Some wisdom from Third Sis, i.e. Pinknerd’s blog because she articulates and writes so much better than I do (if you’re reading this, please don’t kill me for copying and pasting these – I really love these three entries and your writing, with 911 as my personal favorite at this point in time – but I’ll remove it if you mind) :
on a scale of 1 to 10, one being least severe, how lost are we? how do we determine whether we are lost, wandering, or merely confused?
i decided sometime ago, perhaps way before i dared admit it that i didn’t want to pursue design anymore -or at least if i wanted to, it would have to be different. something more intellectual, more theoretical, more humanitarian, contributory to society -something, anything, but this. somewhere along the way i think, something happened. somewhere when you find yourself still awake at 5am, cursing life, forgetting to eat dinner, drunk on 5 types of energy drink, that something happened. when you see god obscured in your mind, and faith taken the back seat over busy schedule, that something happened. here we are, after years of chasing excellency, of high grades and nothing, that we’ve begun to think. who the fuck am i trying to please? who put me here? do i even want to do this?
So I guess i’ve been thinking about death quite a bit these days. it’s no exaggeration to say that i think about death as often as i think about how much life would change if everything that i know is a mere illusion. isn’t it funny they say how love happens? one minute you’re walking your dog and the next you bump into a man who, little did you know, would end up becoming your life partner? isn’t it funny that today you might have an arm, tomorrow you might get cancer? isn’t it funny how nothing really is that funny when you think about god’s grand plan and life’s real dilemmas?
i kept getting struck time and time again these days how we’re all going to die. it’s such a strange reality, a truth that nobody can deny. and with that i often dive right back into thoughts of religion -what a god awful muslim i am and how there is no time unless you make time for change. sometimes i scare myself, and i ask what’s there in religion -do they really exist, is it all in my head? what am i afraid of? what am i doing here? what do i have to do to change? what am i doing now? point is i just can’t stop thinking. i just keep thinking how i’m probably wasting my time doing what i don’t see the point in doing forever, the coldness of the field, the lack of emotional business, the way it does nothing to my progress, to society and to everything that i hold to be true. i just keep thinking it. death. life. goals. it’s just constantly in my head it’s driving me bats.
i’m all over the fucking place.
is there really love for us out there? will there really be a time when it happens and you will know it; when the stars will curiously align for you and make things easy? that one fine day when you wake up no more committed to being uncommitted, but on the contrary, glad that alas, you are committed to being responsible for two? will that day really come when a man will find his head messed up because of you, when all the colours in the world seem to wash out, when his routine interrupted and everything usual becomes unusual just because you weren’t there?
will there really be a man who will find himself so unflinchingly and exasperatedly in love with me as i once felt for jack?
what a strange concept.