To be honest, I have a million different thoughts about a million different things at the moment – all still so contained in my mind that I figured I’ll try this: a collection of thoughts on different issues, but compiled together as The Spring Break Series. Named so because that’s technically, the source of inspiration. Not sure if I’ll really stick to it (because face it, I’m not very good with meeting deadlines blog-wise) but it’s an interesting experiment, methinks.
Here’s the (official) first – unsurprisingly, probably – : friends.
To be completely honest, prior to the trip I mulled over reaching out to her, my old buddy – what is the irony, I asked myself repeatedly, that the one place where I have a sure-fire family friend I could stay with… is where she currently is? Isn’t it amazing how He works? SubhanaAllah. There are 196 countries in this world, God knows how many more cities and here is us, 2 girls with a shared background, a what I thought was a fractured friendship – what irony it is that connected Edinburgh, her and myself.
A few days before leaving – as I continued mulling over contacting her – I confessed to the deskmate: I could try writing the ending of our friendship over and over, but it will just continue rewriting itself that perhaps I ought to really just forget trying to do this. I heard my own words, let them sink and made my decision.
I met her on my second day there, a little hesitant I will admit, because this was the buddy whom I miss whenever I think of good conversations. Our fallout was so silly, but the aftermath really stayed with me for years and years after. I admit that now I can’t even remember about the kind of friends we were and frankly the past really does seem so far away, yet the sentiments stayed with me. You don’t forget good listeners, I think.
Honestly, I’m really glad I took that leap and decided to meet. I’m really glad. Because I realized how very different we’ve now grown and my my, imagine how much more changed we would be as the years build? What was more amazing though, I thought, was that inherently we remained the same girls we were. The conversations flowed so easily, catching up not even painful as I’d thought it would be. In fact, honestly I really enjoyed the meeting and when I hugged her at the end of it: I understood that to be closure for whatever residue of old sentiments I had had.
More than that however, is really this: the present.
What makes our lives now, or rather – who are in our lives now. It used to pain me whenever I meet the deskmate and the other best friend; they’d mention their current friends and I’d try containing my puzzled face, because these names – they were foreign to me. Then I heard myself in our conversation that Sunday, and realized how dearly I spoke of these girls whom I live with, of my friends here. How I laughed as I shared their tales, how they knew traits of myself that I didn’t quite realize. How I started missing them, my traveling buddies among other roles they play, and didn’t mind making my way back.
Now I understand what I didn’t, couldn’t see then: what blessings, old or current, the friends we have.
I understood then, that our lives are truly separate – that we had a childhood together that defined a time when, but that change is good. Necessary. Time is kind, and Alhamdulillah, we were so young then and young still. Never burn bridges and let time weave its wonders – they’re all true.
I don’t think it was a coincidence, my having met her again at what is the best time of my life thus far. Having said that however, I’d also admit that I think it would be pushing it to say we’d be close friends again – I don’t think I can walk the same path, like nothing happened, but only because I feel so removed and different from the girl I was so many years back – but now I sincerely am grateful for all the friends I’ve come to know. More so, for the ones I’ve held or am holding dear in my heart.
To be honest, I love these girls I live with right now so dearly. I was so happy to be back and spent 2 hours just babbling about my trip, confessing about feeling so very moved about a great number of things. Then tonight we talked about cooking together – something we used to do a lot more when we first met – and doing the things we’d hoped to do, now that we’re all on co-op. I love them, for being there – here – for me right now, just as my old friend did for me back then.
If I feel this way towards these girls – surely she does too, about the friends in her current life. Surely all my other friends do too, about their respective friends. I smile at this thought; I’m genuinely glad. Receiving and giving love really is a wonderful thing.
Before I left the UK for Philly – back to my present life, back to what is now most familiar and myself at my happiest – I sent her a text message. I admitted that I was really glad to see her again and for her to take care. I wanted to say more, but then decided against it. The lesser said, the better. Embrace the present, and leave everything else to interpretation. Where we stand now, whatever that is and whoever we are now – I think it’s best, because in our respective presents: Alhamdulillah, we are happy.