“Why do you stay in prison, when the door is so wide open?”

Suh In Ha (Love Rain, episode 16)

First of all, let’s all take a second and… Rejoice! My first screencap and it’s In Ha no less. Attempted to print-screen while I watched this episode on DramaFever moments ago  and well, success as you see above. I bet there are programs out there specifically tailored for screencapping, but I’m happy enough with this! Plus for what it is worth – this shot isn’t captured without reason.

(PS lovely quote above by Rumi)

The truth is, sometimes I want to ‘fess up to a friend here so badly, the reasons behind my skepticism in certain things – like that thing called the institution of marriage for instance. Like a love that lasts to the grave, for another. Like why us siblings, though largely so successful and bright in our own respective lights, are in truth still stuck in the realms of the dark. Sometimes I want to ‘fess up so badly, but I don’t think they understand. I don’t think they understand that although the story is ugly, the characters weak – the lines between wrong and right, who’s to blame and more; shades of gray. I don’t think they’re able to understand that while I love each person so fiercely, there are things I am unable to move from. Forgiveness, a most difficult act.

Then there is the other, simpler flipside of the truth: it must not always be spoken aloud. It need not always be shared. Really, it is simply this – I must respect those whom the truth is associated with. Their story, despite how much it has become as good as mine… it’s an Asian upbringing perhaps, but one I intend to honor regardless: one does not flaunt another’s dirty laundry for the world to witness.

Sometimes I imagine writing a tell-all book, because obviously I am not one for fiction – I don’t think I have it in me, never did. I hate to admit this, somewhat ashamed even, but the reason why the character of In Ha in Love Rain resonates so much is because he is so incredibly familiar. When the screen pans to him as I watch the show, my mind imagines a different man. The thing about In Ha is that despite how glorious and noble and pure his love towards Yoon Hee is, the truth is this: as a man, he is cowardly and weak.  He believes that by taking the passive road, hearts are spared, not realizing that because of his persistent silence and insistence to keep things where they supposedly are, that same kindness is most cruel. That romantic in him is sweet, but also incredibly selfish. Life doesn’t work that way – you can’t have all your cake and eat it too. One can’t expect to not be swallowed by time, to not be weathered by the storms of reality and to not take responsibility as a parent. The past is gone – the present isn’t.

In this same way I want to shake In Ha so bad and tell him to grow a spine, be a man for God’s sake! Stop trying to so-called give in, supposedly not trying to be the bad guy …. is the same way I want to shake a person I know. He, whom I love so dearly with all my heart. He, who is so easy to be and stay angry at when afar but so incredibly difficult when near. He, who despite all the outcomes that have taken place in the many years that have passed and the many jaded souls; he still refuses to choose. Coward.

Now that I am older, I am able to call you out on what you are and are not as a person,  while still maintaining my respect for the role you play in my life. I am able to separate the two yes, but I’d be lying if I say that it doesn’t hurt still. I’d be lying even further if I say I am not angry. So. Angry. A pair of footprints in the sand – yours is not going to be where hers is, I accept that. So how long more? This game of hide and seek. Coward.

I want to blame you for the complexes I have developed; for my crazy-driven self. For my desperation, obsession in not wanting to find myself in her shoes; a greatest fear. For my inability to imagine a life with a man, any man, what more to even be involved in relationships. For the things I am unable to believe in unless proven otherwise. For all the principles and values I have lost because of all that had taken place. For all the absences, the no-shows. On bad days, I want to put all the weight on you, because you made her turn this way. Your indecisiveness made us all into who and what we are today. Never quite whole; always a missing piece misplaced somewhere.

But it isn’t fair.

It’s been too long, much too dragged on as it is to want to play the blame game. It takes two to tango, after all. This constant pull-and-push that goes nowhere; spiteful words one after the other. Some kind of vicious cycle I can’t ever entangle myself from.

Despite how hard I try to run away… don’t you see, can’t you see – there’s no way out of this unless you finally own up to what you should’ve a long time ago?

But of course you’re not. Too much, too late. Coward.

What is the end to this, is there even one?

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