Sometimes I think I don’t give Miri a fighting chance; I don’t let it take me in; or rather, I don’t let it in.
I’ve been given the heavy brunt by two heavyweights this weekend, forcing me to assess my viewpoints and loud opinions about Miri – things I should have kept to myself, aspects I should respect when it comes to a different place and the people who make up the place. I would be singing a different tune about Miri, I keep insisting repeatedly to whoever’s listening, had I been someone who is able to drive and therefore, mobile in this town. It isn’t the place, I’d continue to insist, but the response it triggers from me. The squirming feeling, the suffocation of being in a small-town. The aggravating thought of feeling like a prisoner…
But then I’d go out and spend a night hanging out with friends and everything would feel great again; suddenly the place not half as bad.
Is 2 months enough as a basis for a lifelong or long-term decision? I think not. However, in retrospect, when I think of whether I could stay in Miri any longer than the past few months, imagine accepting the offer – should it come – and agree to a 4-year contract; can I? Where I had had the whole world, it’s now shrunk to Miri. Could I?
And here’s where, quite honestly, I’m conflicted. Palpitations. I want to give it a fighting chance because I don’t hate at all living in Malaysia and frankly, I love the people and environment I’ve grown more and more accustomed too … yet my liberation, my sense of freedom, of being young and unattached; wild and free – I can’t seem to give this up. My heart, it doesn’t want to let it go just yet.
I have been praying everyday for some sort of signs that will indicate with path to choose, which bend to take. These days I wonder if I’m not seeing them or I’m seeing them but pretending I am not, too afraid of the things I’ll come to lose. Time’s running up …and I haven’t decided anything. I feel like I should accept the job offer because it doesn’t need to be forever, it’s lucrative and will bring me back, but then I’d remember the sort of life I live in Philly and that I am only 21, turning 22 next year.
Wild and free, young and unattached. The world’s my oyster – I’d like to maximize this to its fullest.
Do I not give Miri a fighting chance because I am in all honesty, afraid that given the chance, it will enter and take me in? That I’d find myself giving in and giving up the life I know now and all my wants and bigger dreams? Do I not give Miri a fighting chance because I am afraid of what I will find at the end of the tunnel – is it light, or regret?
Whatever you are, whatever you may or may not be Miri – I apologize for how I’ve behaved in the past 1.5 months to you. I apologize for the bitchfest, I apologize for the depressing, uncalled for opinions. Can I imagine myself being where you are for longer? No. But you’ve always survived just fine without me rather than the other way around, so clearly it has to be me.
I hope you’ll accept this because with all sincerity: I’m sorry.