Close your eyes and clone yourself
Build your heart an army
To defend your innocence
While you do everything wrong
Second to last day; I’ve always been overly-sentimental about goodbyes despite realizing that very seldom are they able to take place so beautifully as they do in my mind. Now I’m looking back and honest to God, this has been the most whirlwind and defining two-months period in my life thus far – so soul- and life-changing personally as revelations one after another takes place in this small, Godforsaken – so I think – town.
Now I’m reflecting and honestly? The reason for the mixed emotions, for the bittersweet aftertaste – they’re all credits to every single person I’ve gotten to know here, the amazing friendship summer flings, the wonderful and awesome co-workers and environment at work, the random other people who provided me rides, meaningful conversations and such. Everyone’s been nothing but kind and I remain incredibly humbled to be at the receiving end.
Wrote my thank you cards minutes ago – received a reply to the one I gave Super yesterday! Its been forever since I’d gotten a response to a thank you card, ha – and while I realize and openly admit repeatedly that I am not able to paint a picture of my future a year from now; I promised as much that I will give this utmost priority and that I will seriously consider. I will.
Now I’m sitting alone in this office writing this, a desk I’d gotten accustomed to, officemates I’ve gotten attached to, colleagues-turned-friends I’ve made and I think – don’t I want to elongate this? Don’t I want to relive this, Miri v2.0? I could easily obtain 4 more years here and continue the friendly camaraderie, the easy banters, the conversations. They’re all so good; nothing but the fondest of memories when I look back to my experience here.
But here’s where I’ll also confess, the small voice inside that does not quite want to settle so easily; despite the plentiful great people, at the end of the day: my life is my own. My decisions and choices entirely mine (with Allah s.w.t’s discretion), my battles and challenges my own to face and reason with. It’s not my intention to admit this in an attempt to be cocky, rather simply addressing the fact that regardless how much I love the people – at the end of the day, the decision I make is the one I, and no one else, must live with. I am the only one responsible for it, despite how influenced I may be by others.
What if the situation that plays out in Miri v2.0 turns out to be sucky? The good things I remember and hoped to relive I am not able to? The people who had sustained me in the last 10 weeks not here? For what, and who, did I stay on and decide to return?
These are questions that genuinely plague me as I think back and ponder about accepting the offer – and exactly why I’m still mulling over and considering, rather than giving a solid yes. It does not need to be forever, true, but what it is up against is a whole different ball game.
I’ve promised myself this much: I will exhaust all other options in the interim of the next 12 months that I have so as to really know, realize and find out for myself whether or not this is indeed that road not taken.
Don’t be scared to walk alone
Don’t be scared to like it
There’s no time that you must be home
So sleep where darkness falls
– John Mayer, The Age of Worry