of summer, car rides & youth.

A few days ago, I was struck by a particular memory which took place in Miri –

It was the image of me in the passenger seat, laughing aloud – the sort that made my stomach hurt; sincere. I was in the car with my friendship summer flings. We were driving along the narrow two-way street by the seaside. The day was gorgeous in typical Miri-fashion – bright, sunny, and blazing hot. The car was a beat-up secondhand blue Wira with patches on the sides where the paint had flaked off from wear, and seats that felt uncomfortably low. Despite the few times I’ve ridden in the car, I hardly noticed these because like so many other rides taken in this short interim – the laughter never ceased. As we cruised along, I’d oftentimes let the conversations take place, let them fill in the spaces. I’d stay mum for a second while the corner of my eyes focused on the driver. Damn he’s such an assured driver, I’d think silently, grinning internally. It wasn’t long however, before she’d notice my lack of contribution to the conversations and gleefully chime in, “Why are you so quiet? When you’re quiet, it’s… odd.” I’d turn my head to the back seat to give her a glare, though the glint in my eyes betrayed my nonexistent menace. There she sat, my best girlfriend during this period and him, yet another great guy. The car roared with laughter; it will all begin again.

Two boys, two girls, three weeks.

I can never confess this aloud to them, because reality is sometimes too stark: I hold them so dearly in my heart, but to them I think I am a brief encounter. I am not bitter, rather it simply makes me realize that my overtly corny sentiments, if confessed aloud, would only leave me embarrassed – too much of an open book.

I think it is significant, meeting them, befriending them, spending my last summer as such – the summer before everything would eventually change. I think there’s so much meaning and significance in this, even if I have yet to figure them all out. Sometimes I close my eyes and let my thoughts flash back to this memory; always the car rides. I remember my laughing expressions, my heart so full to the brim. Happy.

During this period, for the first time I had wished, over and over, that summer is forever.

I miss (all of) you today.


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