Sometimes change comes by kindly; it comes slowly, a whiff today, a gust tomorrow – over time, it gathers enough energy to transform itself into a full-blow sweeping hurricane, a torrential storm after a long calm.
If last week my spirit was uncertain, almost shattered and very simply, greatly lost, then this week has been all about rejuvenating it. That small light at the end of the tunnel, for the first time I thought I saw and felt it. For the first time I thought that my fickle-minded self finally understood, realized and accept this move I am about to make. Rather than uncertainty, I feel at peace.
Here’s also where I realize that already in my mind, as I tend to do, I am already letting go of something so dearly I could have had – if only my desires would stop lying the world over rather than home. Anything’s game, I’ve been saying that over and over to anyone who asks me about my uncertain future and my next moves about it. However, this time around as I am officially about to begin with the process, I feel it… that whiff, followed by a brief gust. I accept what I will let go of, if this decision comes to fruition.
If you are of 2 minds about here or the US, then apply for both. God will decide. I had a hard time too, knowing my destiny was to be in Malaysia, I wanted so badly to stay in the UK. I tried as hard as I could to stay there by applying for jobs there and as the date grew closer to my departure, rejection letters kept pouring in and I knew for sure that was God telling me to go home. But acceptance of God’s will must happen before you even post those letters. You must be prepared to follow His will. Then things will work out.
Sometimes I … forget. I am ashamed to admit this, but despite being a believer and one who staunchly believes in a Higher Power, I… forgot. All the while I was anxious, hesitant and ever-fickle; my anxiety level would rise up a notch with worry. I am happy in both, but I can never make the two blend together – one always feels surreal when I’m in the other that there’s no way, I think, to have both again as I do right now. I am greedy, wanting both.
Amazingly, the moment I learned to let go of the fear and accept that I have nothing to lose with trying – what will be, will be. What will take place, will do so. What comes, will too. The moment I did, I felt… at ease. The small little light at that long tunnel flickered; a small presence, but there.
Right now I am looking back at all the moments that have led to here and despite not fully realizing, knowing and understanding their respective significance – they are with meaning of their own. Why this summer took place as it did, why I chose to come to Drexel and quite literally with that, stumbled upon the co-op program, why the experiences took place…
Why it’s me, and not the next person.
There’s so much significance in all these moments and the fact that even right now, this present, where this decision is concerned – my gut feeling senses certainty. Solid hope. Whether I grasp upon it or not later will be a different matter, but as of right now I believe so wholeheartedly that there is significance, one so crucial, in the fact that this particular path has been made easier.
Opportunities for me, even way back when, have always been blessings in disguise.
The past few days I have been struck by memories of this previous summer – the car rides, sunny skies, endless laughs. Today it finally hit me: perhaps in a sense, maybe, it is closure of some sort as I reach my decision. I sense a bout of melancholy internally and recognize it as a sort of longing towards something that was good, but maybe won’t come around twice – not so soon.
Anything’s game, I still stand by that but this deep, palpable feeling of change brewing inside me –
I can’t help but realize, over and over, that it must be significant.