Today I woke up with this massive realization and feeling akin to sh*t hitting the fan, no thanks to school. Senioritis has been the death of my motivation, Real Life is ever on my mind, heart and everything as I jump from one challenge to another as well as ever-impending with deadlines and priorities. In addition, most of my Thursday and Friday – resulting in my backlogged crazy school workload today and tomorrow – were spent busily sorting out my parents’ visit for my graduation in June and as my previous entry hinted, they’re 60-somethings and not exactly physically strong, which means that just the fact that they’re flying 25 hours across the globe is a Big Deal. I’m trying my best to ease stress factors for when they come but already of course, I’m in anxiety mode at my not-so-smart plans and (nonrefundable, damnit) hotel bookings.
But anyway. The point is – Real Life continues to chug for me and like that John Lennon quote, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans,” similarly, my writer tendencies kick in full-force during peak Real Life periods. Today this in particular has been on my mind: drama-writers.
The thing, or rather truth is, I’ve never planned to be one.
I’ve been a drama-watcher who literally reads, breathes, thinks, emotionally invests and everything time- and emotion-consuming with dramas for as long as I remember but I stand by the fact that they don’t own me. I love this antithesis – this is an interest, not a relationship (though frankly perhaps I’m simply in denial). I grew up being a mostly closeted drama fan; in different points in my life phase, I would sometimes have a small group of friends with whom I could discuss J-, Kdramas together but they’re very far and few in-between that until recently, I don’t think my older friends actually know that I know as much if not more about say, Hyun Bin than they do K-entertainment wise.
I’d started this blog because I was 16 or so and dramatic as hell. I’ve always loved writing and kept journals back then, so blogging was a natural transition and despite not having many Real Life close friends here – I told very few people, even back then – my drama-related blurbs, though aplenty in my mind, rarely made it here. I don’t know why I do so much to hide this, but I still do even now honestly.
In 2008, I wrote a review about the manga-turn-live-action Jdrama Bloody Monday which I thought was very awesome, followed by random poorly written reviews here and there of J-movies, perhaps once or twice Kdramas before Real Life once more took center stage and these random write-ups eventually dwindled. It was not until mid-2011, when I was on co-op (6-month internship) and had so much time that I was watching oh, perhaps 2 or 3 dramas weekly that these thoughts became convoluted and mixed up in my mind; an outlet was needed, and blogphilic as usual, became the sponge.
In 2012, I experimented by deciding to take a conscious leap – I chugged first impressions, halfway and overall reviews, random (literally) dramatic thoughts and even wrapped up the year with my first-ever painstakingly written (Non-stop! 5.5 hours flight!) self-coined dramafest reflection, now conveniently made available on the right-side widget. For a good month or so last summer, I brought – or rather, literally wrote – my most accomplished massive writing/self-archived drama-watching project The Jdramas Collection page to life, launching it in August. Not long after, I made revamps to blogphilic‘s interface, created tags – which I was anti about from the start of my blogging years for privacy reasons -, trying to create a blog that’s still largely personal but also opened it’s cyber doors to a particular type: the drama-watchers/readers/fans/writers or all of the aforementioned.
I’m nowhere near two Holy Grail, namely Koala’s Playground and Dramabeans nor do I want to (especially since I’m not Korean/Japanese nor do I speak any of the languages and I am not a culture-enthusiast, language-major or anything of that sort – I’m an environmental engineer!), but right now in this heat of seriously trying to launch my still (Not So) Super Secret Project – time, it is not on my side but I am really trying! – and having made drama-writer friends (waves), even sometimes finding my blog linked to other blogs under one of those awesome titles like “List of blogs for good drama insights” (thank you so much, I’m sincerely floored and humbled to have made the list) or something along those lines … it hit me, sudden like nothing else… blogphilic and myself, have I lost myself? Since when have I transitioned and could I, do I, now call myself this: drama-writer?
When I started blogphilic, I questioned time and again the reason for it’s birth. As a writer who is madly in love with writing but consciously chose not to to pursue it professionally – plus okay, being an emofunk overthinker – and notoriously insecure about this blog’s identity reveal (I am guessing that my blog tagline would now make sense to you, if you were ever curious), I’m having this really random and weird out-of-body feeling; not certain of my identity from here, or blogphilic‘s.
I used to return to this question time and again in my growing up years whereby blogphilic sometimes took center stage and other times conveniently got pushed to the back benches: why do I write here? The follow-up question would then be: to whom do I write for? I have always fiercely tried to justify that I write because of my passion for the act itself and thus, I write for myself; not to please anyone, simply as an outlet.
But here’s the thing…
Now blogphilic has a purpose and … okay, it’s a little late to be experiencing this and admitting it aloud now, but honest to God: I’m surprised.
Did I sign up for this? When I started writing those reviews, first impressions and such, they really were because I needed to ease the mulling and afterthoughts but now whenever I pick a drama, I think of whether I can produce something from it – whether there are enough materials or anything new I can bring to cybersphere on outlooks and opinions about shows. A recent and particular example would be my revisit attempts on my three favorite oldie-but-goodie Jdramas; I’d specifically leaped right back in because I wanted to feature them here, so that we remember that even as we move forward with new dramas – some oldies were pure gold. Having also created my Timeout tags – my favorite by the way, because totally random entries like this one about issues that no one but myself care about have purpose and excuse to appear – I’ve been a lot more relaxed and open in discussing my drama-related thoughts, whatever they may be, without much caution.
I guess the reason this entry is being written is because I’m at this crossroad – or okay, putting myself here – where I’m now asking myself: am I… a drama-writer? The likes of all the other awesome ones I’ve read for so long, or recently read and more of them which I continually find? Am I… eligible to now stamp drama-writer on my (cyber) resume even if I find that often times my reviews generally have me saying the same things – “I like-“, “I really thought-“ and also being very, very long (I’m very wordy! I can’t help it!).
A few months ago when I was home and playing with my baby niece – cutest little fat button, I swear – in the company of Eldest Sis, I’d confessed to her that I now write about dramas in my blog – she knows about blogphilic, but she’s not exactly technology-savvy ha thus she doesn’t swing by unless I email her particular personal entries I’d like her to read. Her eyebrows twitched as she asked, “What? And just why do you do so, are you serious?” I remember so clearly her puzzled expression as she asked this aloud. I laughed nonchalantly and responded, without much thought, “Because I can’t talk about them in Real Life! So now I write about them.” Then I laughed again, trying to hide my embarrassment.
So… I guess all this mulling and tracing blogphilic‘s history – it never started nor have I ever intended for it to be a drama-blog, is basically my point-to-highlight, eventually lead to one conclusion – perhaps one I’m weirdly in denial about, but find to be true lately -: I am… a drama-writer.
The hilarious fact is really this – that I write not really because of anything groundbreaking or rather, having groundbreaking thoughts about dramas and the like, but really just this – as talkative as I am in Real Life, I’m unable to voice out thoughts, opinions and frustrations about dramas in Real Life!
There hasn’t been an official welcome, nor am I seeking or asking for it; instead, all I want is to take a moment to say this:
Thank you! For those who have been reading prior to this transition – and continues to stay -, to those who swing by every now and then, to those who now have me on their blogrolls, to silent lurkers and really, just sincerely and simply: thank you. My writer-side is humbled and in glee to keep writing.
Now I’m turning the tables, if I may;
Drama-writers, why do you write?