I hesitated writing this because it speaks of my insecurities as a writer/blogger. Plus, I realize and am fully aware that I am currently incredibly stressed out and overwhelmed with schoolwork and Real Life happenings, hence I am very likely not myself at the moment … but this has been on my mind for the past week that I think I need to write it out, for my sanity’s sake if nothing else.
When I started writing and chugging out drama-related entries, I’d thought that the blogsphere lacked casual voices – outside of the holy grails of The Playground and Dramabeans, I mean – and then slowly it started feeling quite fun to be blogging about these things, as opposed to just my internal mulling and mundane, daily life. How silly I’d been, so naive in my thought.
In reality, as I’d come to learn very recently, the blogsphere is apparently saturated to the brim with drama-blogs. Kdramaland takes the cake, but there are enough splices on Jdramas and others to satiate just about any kind and type of viewers in all of us. I’ve noticed that they’re mostly on WordPress but this is just a broad generalization – tumblr is full of anything dramas, blogspot is equally saturated and self-hosted blogs are also aplenty. There are so many voices pouring thoughts on current, previous and future dramas – so many voices from sarcasm, intuitive, factual to just about any tone and style one can possibly think of. Saturated – that’s what I think the blogsphere actually is where dramas are concerned.
Which brings me of course, to myself, blogphilic and the direction of this blog.
I have been a blogger for nearly 8 years with 6 years specifically here in WordPress. I’ve grown to love it because it allows me to keep writing purely out of love and passion for the act, unaffected by attention, viewer stats, writer insecurities, Real Life voices and the like. It’s fun, because there’s no pressure or expectations or a need to prove myself. It’s fun because nothing’s at stake. It’s fun, simply because.
But now… it feels sometimes fun. Stakes are making an appearance. Desires.
Here’s why I am unsettled: I love writing whatever that I write, but it’s human nature to constantly be desiring for more. I’ve managed to keep my expectations and attention to viewer stats, reader responses and the like to nil when it comes to these things for the past years; I write for myself, is a statement I often bring up here and know that I mean it wholeheartedly. Until lately.
I sense it within me now – suddenly I’m all about my stats, visitors and most obvious of all, looking up and reading other drama-blogs. I’ve always been a blog reader, but suddenly I’m out and about searching and reading. Suddenly my Google Reader is filled with oh, ten drama-blogs or so. I’ll be totally frank: suddenly it feels like it’s a competition. There are so many drama-bloggers out there doing what I don’t and can’t, so fluent in their Kdrama-scope, Jdrama-factoids, cultural connotations and what more. Overwhelmed, I feel so overwhelmed. I don’t like this part of me, I’m a little disgusted and disgruntled at what I feel like my blogger-self has or is turning into.
My writer side freaks out, nervous and insecure. There are so many great bloggers out there with such commanding and engaging voices! When realization hits, I feel so silly – this voice I’d wanted to express, thinking I’m filling a void – what void is it? Where?
Is this a drama blog? I hate to call it that. Do I want it to turn into one? It gives me palpitations when I think of it in this manner, as much as it excites me when my stats are now in the hundreds – something unthinkable when one’s running a personal blog – and subscribers are slowly adding up.
I’m not saying I’m quitting but to be completely, totally honest this past week I’ve been feeling rather uneasy. I’m uncertain of the direction I hope to keep blogphilic because I sense change within my blogger self – suddenly it’s not just about myself anymore. Suddenly blogphilic feels like it has a purpose and with it comes expectations. Suddenly it feels like I’m seeking a crowd, or rather much too conscious of a so-called crowd. Suddenly I’m no longer just writing about whatever I feel like – suddenly it’s about what I think people will like, when in truth so many blogs out there are already meeting the demands and more. Suddenly I feel guilty if I’m writing a personal entry – does my regular readers come for the drama-related items or the personal ones, or either’s fine? Do readers who come in for drama-related items even want to know personal matters? I’m that sort of blog reader truthfully, where I love to know of the real person behind all the writing that I enjoy hence the About page is typically my go-to and favorite, but the same can’t be said for others, I’m sure. Does it even matter what readers expect, when they can always very simply choose to not read an entry?
It’s fine to feel this way if one keeps a blog for external purposes – for instance, when one consciously chooses to start a drama-blog. The hits and such are expected and desired. However, when one starts off as a personal blogger with no external desires which have since morphed to emotions that aren’t completely single-minded in their pursuits, this is… an existential blogging crisis.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m writing because I feel uneasy, but I will most definitely keep to my promise of experimenting until the end of this year before reassessing the direction of blogphilic, but apart from that I honestly don’t know. I think my tendency to categorize things, to compartmentalize them and define them like the engineer that I am is making an appearance.
The thought that blogphilic‘s role is fuzzy gives me anxiety, because this space has been such an extension of myself – I’ve been with this space for 6 years and that’s a long, committed time. More than that, I intend to stick and stay with it, hence I like to be clear on what I hope it is to myself, before anyone else. Is this selfish or just fact? See, suddenly justifications are necessary – even if they’re mostly simply on my mind, I’m aware. Self-conscious; I don’t like being this way.
I might change my mind and be unicorns and rainbows again tomorrow about this whole drama-blogging, I don’t know. We’ll see. I’m currently overwhelmed about everything from Real Life to dramas to drama-writing to… okay, I’m just gonna shut up now. It’s been a long week.