emotional baggage.

“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
– Leo Tolstoy in Anna Karenina

All families have different dynamics – I’ve understood at least this much by now – but emotional baggage and thus, established paradigms are hard to eradicate and make amends with. I can accept many things by now, I’ve made peace with a lot more in the interest of those I’m indebted to on so many levels but there are instances such as right now, when I realize that in the end… I’m only human. There’s only so much I can take in at a given time.

Right now it is very, very difficult.

Contrasted with Housemate #2’s family who are of course, also here – she’s my kryptonite, damnit – I’m attempting very, very hard to not become a loose emotional cannon. I am very happy that my parents and hers are here because our graduation is an eventful occasion and it really is such a great time and destination for a trip but I am so nervous at the thought of when they’ll finally meet because on my side… The cracks will show, they’ll definitely reveal themselves whether in parts or hints. Most frustrating of all is that I’m well aware, totally wide-eyed aware, that one can only run away so far and so much from reality.

Today was a good day but tonight? Away from all the buzz and within our own capsules we’re back, as always, to our own dysfunctional dynamics. So much secrets, burdens, regrets and conflicts. My heart hurts and I’m desperately trying, as I type this right now, to drown out the noise. So much noise and stories I can’t bear listening to anymore. Not tonight, no more tonight.

Right now it is very, very difficult.

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2 thoughts on “emotional baggage.

  1. :( It must be super stressful for you at this time especially with moving out too. I hope you will get time to take a breather. Uhh I have no advice except maybe to listen to some soothing music >_<

    1. Hey Heisui, thanks so much for the support :) don’t worry about not knowing what to say – I don’t even have an answer myself, aha. Still learning to deal, for the most part and so far I’ve been relatively okay. It’s been so long… and it hurts, but I suspect it always will. On an upside, a new graduation series installment is up for your reading pleasure! Had some time (and motivation) today so I wrote it :)

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