It is back to reality check tomorrow and truthfully, I’m not sure how I feel about it.
The past weekend has been a mixed bag, as everything in my life tends to be these days – nothing goes as planned, let’s just conclude that and what more when it comes to traveling – and away from all the clutter of family dramas and transitional emotional woe, here’s what I miss the most: silence.
Sometimes I think this is the hardest thing I have had to give up as a trade off of returning home. More than the cozy apartment or the life I have come to recognize as my own, it’s the luxury of hearing my inner voices at any and all times of the day. It’s about being conscious and aware of my own being –
Very simply, indeed that I exist.
Sometimes I think I truly, sincerely and desperately miss this the most: the silence. The desire to be silent and not speak, just because. The opportunity to be alone and by myself without having to justify said action and especially, not having to please anyone. It’s about being in the moment and feeling present at that very hour, minute and second without a second thought.
What can I say? It’s simply effortless, not at all loneliness.
Of course it’s great to be surrounded and reunited with friends and family but I’m awkward this way, we’ve established this long ago – I thrive in aloneness. It’s like for the first time in almost three weeks that I have been home, finally – and what irony and wonder that it took a trip 2.5-hour away by plane across the South China Sea in order to attain this – I feel emotionally and mentally saner.
It all ends in 16 hours, however. I don’t know what I feel about returning to the all-too familiar reality check, always this damn frenemy. It isn’t that I am unhappy to be back home, that’s not it.
I’m simply still unable to unveil happiness from all that clutter.