(un)cluttered silence.

It is back to reality check tomorrow and truthfully, I’m not sure how I feel about it.

The past weekend has been a mixed bag, as everything in my life tends to be these days – nothing goes as planned, let’s just conclude that and what more when it comes to traveling – and away from all the clutter of family dramas and transitional emotional woe, here’s what I miss the most: silence.

Sometimes I think this is the hardest thing I have had to give up as a trade off of returning home. More than the cozy apartment or the life I have come to recognize as my own, it’s the luxury of hearing my inner voices at any and all times of the day. It’s about being conscious and aware of my own being –

Very simply, indeed that I exist.

Sometimes I think I truly, sincerely and desperately miss this the most: the silence. The desire to be silent and not speak, just because. The opportunity to be alone and by myself without having to justify said action and especially, not having to please anyone. It’s about being in the moment and feeling present at that very hour, minute and second without a second thought.

What can I say? It’s simply effortless, not at all loneliness.

Of course it’s great to be surrounded and reunited with friends and family but I’m awkward this way, we’ve established this long ago – I thrive in aloneness. It’s like for the first time in almost three weeks that I have been home, finally – and what irony and wonder that it took a trip 2.5-hour away by plane across the South China Sea in order to attain this – I feel emotionally and mentally saner.

It all ends in 16 hours, however. I don’t know what I feel about returning to the all-too familiar reality check, always this damn frenemy. It isn’t that I am unhappy to be back home, that’s not it.

I’m simply still unable to unveil happiness from all that clutter.

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3 thoughts on “(un)cluttered silence.

  1. You sound a bit like me. I thrive in aloneness too. And it’s not like I hate people, but I’ll often jokingly say I’m anti-social, even though there are times when I love being around my family, and I love being around people that I can simply observe being happy and interacting with each other. But sometimes even in moments like these I like remaining silent. Like it’s enough to me to just see people being happy around me, and that makes me happy.
    Throw me into the chaos of that world where I have to make an effort to express myself, and I get mentally exhausted. And then I just want to withdraw back into my little world. I don’t know whether it’s laziness though or if I just really need more time by myself than other people.. But I know I like the quiet and the silence, or the feel of control that’s me and no one else controlling the atmosphere and my enrivonment.

    1. We’re definitely the same in this manner for which you know it – I’m always glad for a kindred spirit. I don’t think it’s laziness though, just personality? For me this is also definitely the byproduct of my childhood environment and now, typical environment – coming from such a big family, especially as a kid then, privacy is nonexistent and what more silence. And because its family, I think I’m always extra careful not to graze anyone’s feelings – not everyone gets this conscious effort and decision in wanting to be alone for a bit. I don’t blame them because I think they must also thrive for this from time to time but I think it’s hitting me especially hard at the moment because I’d lived by myself, governed by my own feelings and self-rules for an entire year without disturbance (3.5 cumulative years of an especially defining period, at that) that I kind of want it back, if only in brief moments. In my current situation though, I don’t know how to marry the two because I’m like the glue of the family, or seems like. Saying I want to be alone for a bit would just sound… Unkind. It’s complicated.

  2. I feel the same way too! I come from a small family but I’ve always loved the luxury of having my own quiet space for myself. I do miss home when I’m away from it, but oddly I’ve grown accustomed to the notion of being alone. I thrive in the freedom of doing whatever I like without having the need to justify myself. I like to immerse myself in my odd little world, even if it makes me a little detached from reality. When I’m back home, things tend to get a little messy with arguments, disagreements and whatnot. While I love my family members despite their imperfections (as they do the same for me), I’d rather escape from the reality of some things for as long as I can. When you’re away from home, you don’t need to face a lot of things (especially ugly truths), and you don’t need to take sides. Usually whenever there’s an argument in my family I just stay quiet and not take sides at all, I become a detached observer from afar. Ha. It sounds like there’s always a lot of drama at home but it’s not all bad. I guess that we’ll have to accept that the luxury of having one will always be at the expense of another, after all, us humans are not perfect, no?

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