to whom are we beautiful as we go

“You know what is really funny?

I have thought over and over about this lately and suddenly to me the hijab makes sense. Suddenly, I feel so strongly about it and regret that I didn’t make that decision, that leap, to don it when that feeling came. I disagree with the deskmate that it only comes by once – I think once it’s there it pulsates deep within as long as I nurture my religious and spiritual soul – but having said that, now I just feel like it sucks that being the coward that I am and have been when it comes to everything that actually matters in my life… I chickened out.

Why isn’t this even surprising anymore? Now I obsess over letting it be known that I am Muslim and trying not to make a big deal out of it (personally, it really is a bigger deal to me myself than it is to anyone) but being so insecure and lacking in confidence really begs self-assessment you know? It really begs me to reflect upon the person I am now and who I hope to be etc. Because I’m somewhat toxic to myself at the moment and weaker internally than I’d thought I am. That certainty I spoke about often and feeling like I have it within my grasp – apparently not.

Sometimes I really wonder what it takes to be Third Sis and Housemate #2, so sure of themselves, and their presence in their surroundings. It’s never been about them fitting into other people’s molds – it’s always about others fitting themselves into theirs. For all of their ego, they’ve one thing right: they carry themselves with so much swagger and confidence, projecting themselves as how they want to be perceived. It’s not – never – about other people, rather it has always been about The Self.

Just how the hell do they do that?”


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