It’s 149 AM as I am writing this.
This evening while working on my homework, I found myself tearing up for a second there, out of the blue. I had to stop typing and compose myself. Just minutes ago, I lost it at my computer – its been acting up for the past year since it turned two but as I held my breath to watch the performance of Team A of WIN: Who Is Next, it had to choose that moment to freeze every ten seconds. This repeated for almost a good half hour and the residential WiFi frankly sucks once it’s past midnight that I had to keep refreshing the page and all that nonsense. What gets to me is this: the moment I screamed at it, “Fuck you!” with such strong reverberation and anger in my tone. As usual, I was sitting in the darkness of my room so you can imagine the tension at that specific moment.
Moments like these… They haven’t happened in a very long time. As far as I can recall, I don’t do sudden outbursts and I sure as hell don’t do it when I’m by myself – there’s no drama if there is no audience, correct? The alarm’s going off in my head – something is clearly amiss with me at the moment. I’m a few screws loose, I suspect.
But I… wanted to write this because I feel like if you’re sticking around my space for the drama-related write-ups, I think an update is necessary. Lots of anger though, I think. You’ve been warned.
In Kdramas, this is fact: this slump is persistent. I think this is the longest I have experienced this feeling and mental/emotional block feeling, the one that leaves me uninterested to pick up anything new or old.
- I am still watching Empire of Gold and made it through to episode 20 last weekend. I have been telling myself to finish it because I desperately want to know the ending (don’t give it away) but when I’m not feeling dead-tired during weeknights, I’ve been emotionally stunted that I end up just going to bed early. I attempted to pick up episode 21 last night and made it through perhaps the first five minutes before my eyes drooped and my focus whittled away; another failed attempt. What else is new? I’ll get to it. Someday.
- I last left Thorn Birds at episode 16. Last weekend, I fast-forwarded through episodes 17 and 18. I’m trying to watch the show to its completion but without my partner-in-crime (dad) when I was home, I’m clearly no longer invested to be watching by myself. There’s no one to snide and snicker with! I’ve dropped so many dramas like flies this year that it’s unsurprising if this one ends up in that list too.
- There’s so much hoo haa about Heirs and especially so because it’s premiering next week. Frankly, I don’t understand why all the drama-bloggers whom I follow are making such a big deal about the steady, arguably excessive, promotional materials. In dramasphere where anticipation builds curiosity and piques interest, plus with a cast so vast and popular – I don’t get it, isn’t this a good thing? Maybe it’s because I’ve been so removed from the Kdrama world of late but I am just not getting the source of the complaints, bitching, groans, sarcastic or snide responses and more. People, relax can we? If you’re not interested or have had enough, then don’t click the damn links. Don’t even bother writing about them! Don’t do or say anything until it friggin’ premieres!
- Although I’m not watching anything, I’m still keeping abreast with updates – I know what’s premiering, I’ve watched some trailers and I’ve read plenty. Perhaps the only upcoming drama I’m genuinely curious and wanting to check out is Unemployed Romance. I confess it’s because I watched the BTS video of the script reading in which Lee Young Ah surprised Nam Goong Min with a kiss on the cheek. He totally flustered while she smiled gleefully; too cute. Apparently the show has been picked up by DramaFever and it only runs once a week so who knows? Maybe this will be the one to lure me back into the black hole that is Kdrama addiction.
- When I’m feeling down or emotionally funky as I obviously do now, if you don’t know already – I tend to find comfort in Jdramas. I’ll do a marathon of old favorites or pick a reputable not-yet-watched show. This hasn’t always worked in the past honestly and it’s not working right now. A few nights ago I rewatched Nodame Cantabile the movies to great success, and that Nodame entry is my most favorite write-up in a long, long time; I totally enjoyed and genuinely had so much fun writing it. Hope you enjoyed it too.
- But… its been a declining trend ever since. I gave Tatta Hitotsu no Koi a rewatch a couple of nights ago but ended up fast-forwarding so much that I stopped completely. Then I picked up PRIDE, arguably one of my most favorite pick for Jdrama rom-com, but that didn’t do the trick either.
- Here’s what I feel – what I’m feeling -: I’m feeling this insatiable kind of hunger, as if I am missing something or someone except I don’t know what it is. You know moments like this when you’d try to fill that void by reaching out for your go-to comfort food drama? Except I’ve no inclination at all to pick up Orange Days or the rest of my oldie-goodies like say, Beautiful Life. I’m scared I won’t like them as much anymore if I give them another spin now because I’m channeling so much negativity it’s downright unhealthy.
- I’m sorry I went off on such long tangents; the short story is I’m not watching anything in this sphere either. I tried, but so far nothing’s sticking. I’ll probably still keep trying because I have zero interest with Kdramas at the moment, but personally I’m not putting my hopes high on this.
- Now this, I am watching. Two, to be specific. The first is of course WIN: Who Is Next. Today I thought to myself, I am so angry at YG CEO. I am so fucking angry at him for this open exploitation and blatant, shameless role in playing puppet master to these boys who are fed with so much pressure, expectations, do-or-die mentality and stunted perspectives when it comes to the measures of what defines success in life. They are too young to think that there’s only one chance in life that they’ll ever get – untrue. So fucking untrue.
- Then I thought of myself as an audience and all the other audiences in the world who realize these facts and yet come back weekly anyway for our feed, equally as shameless and almost agreeing by proxy to this. Is it that it has always been this way culturally, makes it acceptable? Just because the hard work pays off mentality that’s practically brainwashed and ingrained in their minds is a cultural norm and perhaps even definition, does that then make it okay for them to be pushed to their limits in this way? Big questions, no easy answers.
- I am Team A all the way and what the fuck was the loss this week all about? They fucking poured their heart out in that performance – the lyrics were sincere, packed a punch and melancholic. I love the concept they took because it is so true and in their current situation, those sentiments resonate even more powerfully. Here’s the video of the performance though apologies I couldn’t embed the one with subtitles – you’ve got to scour for that one yourself – but if you just give this a watch… It’s an imperfect performance but hot damn, their hearts are practically bleeding wide open in this stage than any others they’ve done in the past. You can trust my word on that. Well done, boys and thank you for such a moving performance.
- More on WIN: Who Is Next – yes I’m ranting, forgive me. I didn’t like the first set of performances last week (both teams had their moments but were in general, all over the place), but I’m glad to hear that Team A won the viewers vote. There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that Team B is musically or rather, swag-wise and tonally more superior and I’m happy to give them credit where due but when I think of stakes, it’s still Team A that does me in. Someone on YouTube commented that it’s like the show’s actually geared to make us pity and sympathize with Team A and that they’re basically riding on the existing fame of both Kang Seung Yoon and Lee Seung Hoon. I beg to differ – not on the first part at least, but the second.
- My two cents about the first point – maybe. It’s definitely in the conceptualization and editing, that I’ll say and this is a reality show: dramas equal material, which then equals audience’s attention and translates to profit. It’s business, plain and simple. Plus, who doesn’t love a good underdog story?
- But that riding on the fame of the two boys… Please, don’t even. Maybe that’s true but over the course of the show thus far, the other three (okay, the exception being Kim Jin Woo but I’ve developed a soft spot for him from Day 1 that I’ll notice him anyway) have really stepped up into their own. Song Minho for instance is oozing with appeal and I like Nam Taehyun‘s self-assurance. Both these guys have this quiet kind of confidence in themselves as persons and in their respective crafts. Having Kang Seung Yoon in the team is totally bonus because not only is this dude mighty talented and takes the reign well (he totally stepped up in episode 7 as the leader – great job!), he’s also such a sweetheart. In short, him being supposedly famous is irrelevant. Even if he were to have hypothetically started off in this show as a newbie like the rest, he’d gain his traction anyway because personality and talent always speak for themselves, period.
- I’m also watching We Got Married. So far I am really, really digging the new couples. I am in love with both – they are adorable in their own ways – and I’m also really enjoying the contrast in their appeals. Truthfully I feel like the Jung Yu Mi-Jung Joon Young is a couple that makes for good reality show material onscreen, but terrible once the cameras stop rolling. They’re the kind of couple that has everything going right externally but in reality, are all kinds of wrong. I feel like had this been a real relationship, they wouldn’t have lasted for very long not due to being opposites in interests but more so that they’re at completely different levels of maturity. But I’m always up to be corrected and proven wrong so please, you two – prove me wrong.
- The second couple though… They are too cute for words. Theirs play out somewhat too perfectly but hot damn, they’re just so compatible together physically and if the show’s to be believed – personality-wise, too. I did read about how Yoon Han had apparently treated a news anchor or someone he went on an onscreen blind date with (part of some recent variety special) exactly the way he’s treating Lee So Yeon in this show, but after watching the first three episodes, personally I think it’s just his personality. He seems to have that Prince Complex or ‘tude, like he’s God-given gift to women (at least that he thinks this of himself) and seems like he was brought up very prim and proper – all manners and sophistication. In other words, it really just who he is. So when I’m watching their scenes I try my hardest to really read between the lines of his self-commentaries and his gestures – not the ones towards her but the kind where he lets out a little squeal, or laughs quietly, or is genuinely surprised by her. These little details… They give a lot away, in my opinion.
- Who else is tired of G-DRAGON? I love BIGBANG, we’ve established this fact and okay, at this point in time the entire world probably loves them (and him) too. But what happens when you’re totally aware you’re being loved? What happens when meta suddenly isn’t just meta anymore but practically a brand, a swagger and an attitude? I like the tunes in his new album – this is when I didn’t read the lyrics – but frankly, I’ve had enough of him singing about how great he is. One more “I am wild and young, bitch” or “swag-check” or anything along the lines of this is the G-world and so all other motherfuckers can whittle away – GD, calm the fuck down.
- You’ve always been defined by your ego and swag, I agree – I did backtrack and watch BIGBANG documentary and you’ve had the swag even way back when – and it’s true you’re insanely talented and the world is your oyster right now, but there is a limit to the inflation of ego. There’s a distinct line between self-assurance and being obnoxious. We’re nothing alike that I’m aware I’m in no position to judge him in this way, but for the love of reality check, his fans need to stop acting like he’s God-incarnate. He’s a big, talented package in the form of a pint-sized human who’s as prone to blunders and mistakes as everyone, that’s what.
- If you want to defend your oppa because of my statements above by the way – please do so elsewhere. I’ve no strength and interest to argue and counter-argue about something so trivial. Moving along.
I’m obviously seething in deep, unsettling anger. I am cursing way too much and bitching about everything and nothing, right? My apologies. I just wanted to let you in on where I stand on these things because the way things are going now, there will be no write-ups on anything new and it’s simple: I am not watching anything new. I haven’t been in almost three months now, really. Unfortunate?
At this point I don’t even care – not about feeling left out and out of the loop, not about my friggin’ blog stats which I used to obsess over, not about feeling obliged as I used to and not even about perceived notions online about me lately because yes, I did notice that my jandoe page received a surprisingly high number of hits this week.
This week just needs to end. I hope yours were significantly better.
It’s 259 AM right now – I’m signing off, good night.