Timeout: Life Beyond Dramas.

This week has been an insanely busy one. I lost track of the day mid-week and kept thinking Tuesday was Wednesday, Wednesday was Thursday… you get the picture. Homework has started piling, workload has significantly increased and course materials are becoming (seemingly) harder that this weekend won’t be fun. I’ve got so much catching up to do, it depresses me to just think about the things I need to do tomorrow and Sunday.

Too many things I want to write about, as usual, but time is simply not on my side. And when it is, I’m dead tired which basically amounts to the same thing. Did Heirs finally première this week? How did it fair, ratings-wise after all that promotional hype which lasted for half a year plus? Did Unemployed Romance actually debuted last weekend, without my notice? Is it true the slew of fall Jdramas include Nishikido Ryo and KimuTaku lineups?

Here’s what I’m learning or perhaps more appropriately, what I’m remembering – there’s life beyond dramas.

On one hand I don’t see the need for an apology, on the other there’s really only so much pessimism one can put up with. For that reason, I apologize for being a wet blanket more times I can count, this year alone. I apologize, truly, for being the sour grape who’s stuck in this vicious cycle of bitching about everything and nothing. I apologize for raining on your happy parades with my overly dramatic, emotional outpourings. I apologize for writing about the same things – the slump. The not-watching. The pessimism. The negativity. Endless string of words which drive home the same damn point:

I am not okay.

I am a lover of fiction, that much is true. Whether fiction appears in books, screens or performed live, generally I gobble it with enthusiasm and openness. At the moment however… Real Life is so strikingly present, encompassing and overwhelming that I’ve finally quit watching dramas. Nothing this week, not bothered and not wanting to.

No amount of cotton-candy fluff, intense and heightened thrillers, mindfucked chess games or witty insights can trump the facets of what’s real – everything that reality is, which dramas don’t allude to. Bad boys on motorbikes to save the day don’t just magically appear at the nick of time; grief is not a beautiful, easily understandable process; conversations don’t continue seamlessly without awkward, stilted silences; loved ones can’t and aren’t always there for you when you need them most; no one fucking picks up when you desperately need that listening ear; loneliness is most felt in a room now filled with familiar faces; tears aren’t witnessed by anyone but the darkness of your four-walls and the most frustrating yet undeniably true reality check: one does one’s own saving.

Forget knights in shining armor, or princesses with arrows and bows – you are your own prince and princess.

No… I am. I am. I am my own prince and princess.

It is up to me, every fucking time, to do my own saving.

& dramas, fuck dramas – they don’t teach you that. They don’t teach me that.

In the torrid of this present-day, I’ve decided: I do not want to be its pupil.

There is a time and place for everything, or so I’m told. Everything comes to an end eventually, that much you and I both know to be true. Alas, when the dust settles and something finally gives in, perhaps then that’ll be as clear a sign as any that my internal clutter no longer translates externally. Perhaps fiction can once more marry fact.

The leaves have turned red, the wind is chillier than it was just last week; I’m raising my white flag.

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8 thoughts on “Timeout: Life Beyond Dramas.

  1. *sends virtual hug because that’s about all I can do too*
    I remember that period of life, and it was a bitch. I still lived at home and therefore had a tiny bit of support, but at my most busiest life in college I did everything myself, I got up before 6am, had classes all morning and afternoon, worked all evening as a dance instructor (yup, exhausting) then did homework all night long.

    The funny thing is I still had time to watch things, only between the weekend hours when I could happily watch the fluffy stuff- at the time it was British miniseries- I actually spent hours each week watching German films. Which, are not light at all. They’re dead depressing and I mainly watched them because I was studying German and earning extra credit for every German movie review. But one thing I liked about them was how sometimes brutally honest they were about life. It resonated. It felt real.

    I admit I watch mostly fluff these days. Even the ‘serious’ dramas are still hardly more than entertainment. And ugh, do Kdramas paint such lovely imaginary and totally unrealistic worlds. This is probably why when I picked up a real novel a few months ago that painted the world in such a dramatically horrible but realistic way, I got halfway through found myself totally depressed and cried for about an hour. Not because the OTP had been torn asunder and *sniffs* someone might die beautifully, but because I suddenly remembered that sometimes life sucks. And while I may be sitting pretty (hah- bc I’m still in pain) that there are plenty of people and probably tons and ton of people all over the world who have shitty lives and always will have. Reality check. It was harsh, and it slapped me across the head because I need to not get complacent and think my life wil always be roses.

    Hold in there. I’m impressed that despite all your apologies (unnecessary because we all know what slumps and we’re not coming after you with a pitchfork to write reviews hehe) you are still focused on what needs to be done,or not done!

    1. *receives virtual hug with thanks*
      The thing is, honestly I feel like I’m in no position to be bitching or complaining because unlike you back then, I’m not working and studying full-time, you know? My hours are devoted solely to school, I’m living oncampus in a decent studio, I’m only taking 3 classes (as opposed to others who take about 5 if they’re tryna finish the program in a year) so my having such a hard time adjusting and going on about how everything is fine and yet nothing feels right is almost… Unacceptable? I dunno. But i’ve also learned never to compare and apple and an orange, so le sigh I’m just riding the waves of this phase hoping I’ll get through it in one piece.

      I totally hear you on your second and third paragraphs. I am getting by with some variety (WIN, it’s official I’m obsessed with Team A like you wouldn’t believe damnit YG and his money-making ideas) and random videos here and there (watched the live performances of SHINEE – I’ve always loved how strong they are performing live!) but that’s about it… Other times this slump is HARD, both life- and drama-concerned. I’ve had enough of forcing myself, but I do honestly genuinely feel bad about my emotional outpouring entries here because I feel like there does come a point when someone’s just gotta tell me, “N? Get over it.”

      Keeping busy helps me stay sane, but I confess that once the momentum slows and I finally brake, I’m hit with waves of such emotional duress (exactly what happened the night of writing this) that is almost suicidal. Because when you’re busy there’s no time to think or feel, you know? But things never really just go away – they creep up on you eventually because (or so I like to think about it this way) the lesson needs to be learned. I’m hanging in there, today is somewhat better than the past two days – thanks Rosie for listening and virtually being there!! Much love.

      1. Hmm.. well let me help you then. “Get over it.” :D
        Feel better? If not, then keep writing. Hehe

        Never underestimate the emotional duress. It hits us all in one way or another.

        Hmmm, I should catch up on SHINee performances. I’ve had a one-track mind following Block B (and omoIcan’tbelievemybabieswonthismorning *tears*). See? <— emotional. Allll day long. Lol

        1. I’ve no clue on who’s who in Block B and their music etc but every time I read about them, you come to mind :D I knewwww you were gonna be ecstatic about them winning!

          “Never underestimate the emotional duress. It hits us all in one way or another.”

          So, so right. Thanks again for understanding and all that, y’know ;)

  2. Awwwww! Regardless I support you all the way! You know what is best for yourself and that this what matters! <3 *sending you my love and support!* As long as you are happy that is all that matters.

    Ahahahaha, I have to learn to not allow drama to take over my life. Sometimes there is just a time in life when you completely lose yourself in one aspect. :P

  3. Hi Jane, it’s Evelyn here. I suddenly thought of you during my lunch break and wondered if you’re still actively blogging. Glad to see that you still are. Well, just a gentle reminder that girl, you’re still you with the same human values rooted deep inside, despite all the shoulds or shouldnts you’re imposing on yourself. Life is short and there might not be another day where you have the privilege of treating yourself better. Simply, be happy! ;)

    1. Eve this is SUCH a pleasant surprise!! I’m literally grinning ear to ear, I can’t believe you remembered (me) enough to drop by here :”) I’ve wondered about you and where you’re at too, but wasn’t sure of a way to contact you (I think I have your email but not sure if it’s still the same one). Reading and seeing your comment here again, I feel like an older sister just paid a visit haha and I’m all eager to show her I’m all grown up and did so well! Thank you so much for your kind words – as always and aw man, you were my first real reader too I think :)

      Words to live by, that gentle reminder of yours. Always needed and definitely appreciated. Maybe I’ll drop you an email (if… that’s not too awkward? Haha). SUCH a pleasure seeing you here, hope all’s well with you too! *sends virtual hug*

  4. Lol thanks for welcoming me back with all that warmth. Jane, your blog was one of the few that i followed but the most i’ve left my thoughts. I see that you’re experimenting and evolving..good on ya.

    Honestly, my past few years have been a roller coaster..though life’s moving on a steady pace now, i could sense that it wont be long until it’s all uppity up again. I’ll try to stop by occasionally Jane, though you may write me at times too, at the new email add i’ve filled in below. I hope that you wont stop ‘doing ur thing’ ;). Just stand tall, show the world who u are and what you can do.

    One day your writing will make a difference. Don’t stop believing..

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