deep sh*t (on hiatus).

Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

Real Life is a real b*tch, that’s what. Not even 24 hours after completing the final exams and I found out how terribly I did for one – the only one I’d banked my last hopes on, because two of the courses, I’m… more likely a goner. Not even 48 hours later, one of three grades was posted and I’ve sunk into the hole.

I wish I could care less, I wish I could say that. I wish I could say none of this matters especially at this point of higher education, but suddenly everything fucking matters. This is what is happening: my grades are terrible. There is no other way to break the news.

My grades are looking so terrible that I might very realistically lose my scholarship, and if that happens – which as much as I’ve been a long-term scholar of theirs and innocently hopes they’ll keep me, I don’t just hear about them letting go of under-performing scholars… I know so – everything about the past three months is a pipe dream. Everything in the past three months… never took place.

I slept for twelve hours last night because I did not want to wake up; the pain was unbearable.

It still is.

I am still a fucking mess today, and I leave for Las Vegas at 7 AM tomorrow.

Just how the hell did I go from bad to worse, and since when does hard work not cut it, at all?

I do not understand any of this, and I don’t know to whom I should be banging on doors and plead, pride be damned. It isn’t that I want to extrapolate the worse case scenario – it’s that the worse case scenario actually looks like it is the reality. At the moment, no matter how I think of it, none of the outcomes are good.

I am in deep shit and I do not understand any of it because all I did for the past three months was work hard. Work. Hard. So hard than I have ever done thus far, because I am well-aware of this outcome, from Day 1. I never expected it to actually arrive so soon, now, and never thought I’d under-perform so badly without justifications that I can accept and live with, as reasons for my failure.

I will be back when I know the status of how bad (or good? Do I dare hope?) the situation is. Please keep me in your prayers, I badly and shamelessly need it at the moment.

I am literally at my wit’s end in this fucking mess I made but don’t even know what and why and when and how this happened. I am so fucking scared, that’s all I can admit aloud right now.


3 thoughts on “deep sh*t (on hiatus).

  1. Oh, I know that feeling! When you know you have worked so hard for something but the end result just isn’t what you expected, it is very disappointing! I was recently through this period and still having a hard time coming to face it. :(

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