Over the past few months, I’ve lost so many blog followers on WordPress – the only place I keep track of stats, at least, not sure about elsewhere like Feedly or Bloglovin’ if I’m being followed in those spaces – that it’s starting to wound my pride somewhat.
I hate it when I’m so consciously affected, and I try my best not to, but I’m only human – as the numbers decline more frequently, ouch (that’s my pride talking). I’ve actually quit reading so many blogs myself too and so honestly this shouldn’t be surprising, what more become an issue – we read what we’re interested in, and quit on those that no longer gauge our interests. Frankly I think it’s embarrassing to admit it aloud, this decline. I think I know what’s the cause – I think folks sign up cos they expect drama-related write-ups, but most of the time, they just get me and my sob stories.
Like… last night, where I’d influx everyone with five consecutive entries.
No one likes a sob story and when I come to, I always get annoyed at myself for being such an emotional wreck online and through my writing. I apologize, and I always feel sorry towards others for dumping the stuff I do, on them. On the other hand though, I’ve maintained this from the get-go: this is a personal blog. I admit I’m a rather self-indulgent blogger and sometimes too… narcissistic? I don’t know, I want to care and I really do, but I think ultimately I care … about myself more.
I guess I’m bringing this up for a few reasons. Mostly I just want to talk about this, just because. Second is because I’d like to apologize – I’m in… a weird phase in my life at the moment, and I write as a means to reason, analyze, and react. Sincerely though, I apologize if I’m just flooding folks with things you’ve no interest to know, and if you’re expecting other things but I keep chugging my sob stories. The thing is, because I’m still in this phase, I don’t think this will stop anytime soon – nor do I intend to stop writing here, just cos no one but myself cares.
On the drama-front, honestly I am barely juggling my time with two dramas and I’m so emotionally disconnected from them that I don’t even feel like writing anything after catching up on them. There’s also that oftentimes, I’m just so exhausted that I can’t, even when I want to. The ongoing of my Real Life now too, is giving me serious writer’s emotional block. It’s either I’ve no mood, or can’t find the words.
I digress. Back to the reasons why I wanted to talk about this: here’s the third and really, it’s this question that’s been on my mind and prompted me to write this:
When it comes to being a blog writer, how much does one write for oneself versus fulfilling others’ expectations?
Yes, one could argue, “This is your space, hence you’re fully entitled to write about whatever you want.” But blogging is different from the typical norm of other writing means, in that it is an active, two-way medium. Engaging oneself in the activity is as much as listening, responding and taking into account feedback in the form of readers’ engagement and interests.
What is it that I hope to accomplish, merely opening a can of worms or a more two-fold interaction? I… am not sure. I just feel like I’m not delivering what’s in a way, expected of some folks and given my current state, I honestly think I will keep under-delivering.
I feel… bad.
I’m so grateful to the drama-blogging community because it has enriched my blogging experience by tenfolds, but I am not in it forever, that much is certain and I won’t lie about it. I enjoy writing about shows and pop culture, but I refuse to be coerced into it. I know some folks stick around here for this and I’m really thankful for each of you because wow, of the many drama-blogs out there, I made it to your reading list.
Maybe I just like to hear back from you, by writing this. Different from when I started out seven years ago – this time blogphilic has an audience of sorts. It is small, this group, but even in Real Life it’s not like my support system is large; it’s cozy, and personal. There are listeners, readers, and friends. As much as I own this space, my voice no longer echoes in an empty room, you know what I mean?
If you’ve any thoughts in response to this, i.e. myself as blogger and this space, content and all that, please do feel free to express. I would love to hear from you, sincerely. Constructive criticisms? I’ll accept them with an open mind and heart, I promise. Lovely, encouraging words? You guys are always too kind to me. Expletives? It’ll hurt my ears, but I understand. Goodbyes? This too, I totally understand.
Thank you for being such lovely and patient readers, and more than anything –
thank you, thank you, thank you for listening.
PS Ironically, WP’s Daily Post just covered this exact topic here.