lost constellation of words.

“How are you?” 

“Not too bad.” 

“…Okay.” 

“I’m fine.” 

It is the hardest question to answer; I never do it right. The follow-up question, without fail, is always this, “What do you mean you’re-” 

I don’t know what happened, or why, but all of a sudden I feel at a loss for words. It’s been a few days, and I don’t know what to make of it. My heart feels constricted, my head is spinning; I am near tears, and I… don’t know why. Is everything okay? It is, really it is, but I can’t seem to come up with words to describe this ache.

I’m reading more quotes than usual lately, and I think I’m sharing more than I usually do, too. Could this be the cause? As other people’s words float and sparkle within my sphere, I am unable to come up with my own. Is this insecurity rearing its horns again? I sense unruly background noise, but my writing voice feels firm. Is this bruised ego and pride, once more? I just lost two more readers today. Is it death by literature, or writing in itself? I’ve been eating, living, thinking, reading, and breathing writing for the past few weeks. Is it all too much?

This is how I function: thoughts swirl around in my mind, everything and nothing. In all the headiness, words take shape. They float around me, like an invisible cloud above my head. Most of the time I let them be, and let them play among themselves. Sometimes I pick them up, swirl and unfurl them, arrange and rearrange them, piece them together and break them apart; I am never without them.

I like numbers; I appreciate their steadiness, like thick, concrete slabs. They don’t shake due to the wind, nor do they crush when met with thunderous rain. Their certainty never fails to astound me, and the awe has gotten me far – I’m now an engineer.

I like numbers, I appreciate them – but I live through words; spoken, written, lost, translated, conjured, and even silenced. I count numbers, and I have the deepest respect and appreciation for them – but they are not effortless, unlike words.

It’s been a few days; it’s worrying. I am rarely without them.

(I… can’t… continue… the words, they’re just not coming to me)

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7 thoughts on “lost constellation of words.

  1. It might be helpful to get out of the habit of checking how many followers you have. I’m sure I’ve lost followers too but I don’t really know about it because I never check my number of followers to see if it increased/decreased.

    If you are asking yourself if everything is really ok, chances are everything is not ok. And that’s ok.

    1. I swear I don’t intentionally check the stats on that, but at the same time, it’s not like I even have a lot, so it’s easy to remember the figures. So this morning… I noticed. Completely by chance, and it’s cos I was on my phone, but I noticed. Ugh, I hate when that happens. I promise (promise!) I am trying, trying, trying to be less conscious of this.

      Your second paragraph – thank you <3 Maybe that is it, and all there is to it.

      1. I used to check my stats and followers too but now I barely remember then even if I check them – this is important so that you won’t think of catering to others when you’re writing. You must always remember that ‘what you want to write’ is first and foremost your top priority above all. It may sound a bit selfish but then again when we decided to create our own blog we wanted our voice to be heard, we wanted a space where we can feel free to express ourselves (sadly it’s unlikely for us to find a place like that in RL, so the next best thing would be to create one such space) – at least that’s what it was like for me, I selfishly wanted a place for myself, I’m not doing it for some noble reason like for the greater good or something HA. Even if I only have 5 more readers left, it’s still worth it because I never expected to even have readers that’ll stick to begin with in the first place.

        You’ve got people who genuinely loves what you’re writing, we like you for you, not because you’re great at churning out drama reviews/commentaries (which you are, I swear, I wish I had half of your flair in writing), but because you are honest with your feelings, even when it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. I mean, how many bloggers can do that? Some try so hard to paint the best image of themselves in the eyes of their readers, which I understand but I guess I’ve reached the point where I’m past all that.

        Truth is, RL sometimes suck, big time, no big deal. I’m not saying that we don’t have good times too, but I think it’s the bad times that makes us stronger, every time when I feel like giving up I am reminded of how far I’ve come and then I know that I’ll survive. For me, acknowledging that we’re in deep shit is the first step to healing and overcoming hurdles.

        The reason I’m so insistent on letting you know that it’s okay to be true to yourself even if others may not like what they’re seeing is because it’s the very thing that I would want people to tell me when my writing voice is wavering, or when I doubt myself. By telling you all this I feel like I’m also reminding myself at the same time.

        You have a voice. You have a voice. That’s all that matters.

        P.S. : I’m so sorry I tend to go on a roll when I’m commenting on your space hence the long-winded comments. Hope you don’t mind!

        1. (I absolutely do not mind, and thank you so, so much :’) It’s 3 AM now and I really need to sleep, but I wanted to pop in and say thank you from the bottom of my heart, and that I’ll reply in approximately 12 hours from now because your comments deserve replies which are carefully thought out and properly written! This comment will be deleted/updated :))

        2. So I reread this and realize… I have nothing to say, except… wow. Thank you. Thank you so, so much. You’re always popping in at the nick of time, like jumping in with emergency recharge cables haha. I especially loved this paragraph:

          The reason I’m so insistent on letting you know that it’s okay to be true to yourself even if others may not like what they’re seeing is because it’s the very thing that I would want people to tell me when my writing voice is wavering, or when I doubt myself. By telling you all this I feel like I’m also reminding myself at the same time. You have a voice. You have a voice. That’s all that matters.

          Thank you so, so much <3

          PS While I agree that this deep shit acknowledgement is the first step and it's important to recognize RL is not always sunnies and rainbows, my conflict sometimes is that I am channeling so much negative energy. It's like – everyone has deep shit, but it's the folks who keep going on about it that turns people off, or those who are constantly, tirelessly, pessimistic. I hate to fall under those category and my number #1 policy is to keep it honest and real, but I wonder if I'm now – without realizing it – this kind of person here? Or it comes off like it? Or keeping it raw, real, and honest matter more than what I tonally come off sounding like?

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