We stopped checking under the bed for monsters
when we realized they were inside of us.
— Tablo from Epik High
I’m currently experiencing an existential crisis of some sort. My insides ache and my heart is awash with a sadness that I just don’t know to name. The bitter taste of regret fills my mouth and leaves me feeling disgusted at the person that I am. It’s hard to describe without sounding like I’ve lost it, and unsurprisingly, the words won’t gather themselves just yet.
I want to cry at my lost innocence and memories of youth that I never thought would eventually leave me, which it has. I want to know what happened; how did I turn out this way? It feels a little like two summers ago, that eventful night when I stayed awake with this pounding truth pulsating through my entire body, that my entire life thus far, this self I’ve come to value and think of as good enough – everything’s a farce. I am a farce.
The difference this time around is I’m wide awake, living and breathing in the present, and yet the wind has knocked me cold. Adulthood, growth and changes are a lethal combination; everything is fine and yet nothing feels like it. It’s hard to describe, except to admit that I feel even more of a farce right now than I did two years ago. I feel even more hypocritical and hollow than I did back then. I feel silly, so incredibly silly and ashamed of the person that I’ve become. When I think about how I’ve carried and projected myself all this while, I want to erase all of it. I wish for a reset button.
Sometimes I think I carry my mother’s heart within myself so protectively that I forget where mine begins; is it even beating? Am I actually made of flesh and blood, worthy to be recognized as a person? I think I’ve been so full of myself that I have failed to take in the sights I should’ve paid attention to. I feel like an empty can; so much noise, hardly any substance. I am such a farce. I kind of hate myself at the moment; it’s the worse feeling.
Adulthood is a land mine and for the love of everything beautiful and innocent, I just can’t come out of it unaffected.