into the fire.

We stopped checking under the bed for monsters
when we realized they were inside of us.
— Tablo from Epik High

I’m currently experiencing an existential crisis of some sort. My insides ache and my heart is awash with a sadness that I just don’t know to name. The bitter taste of regret fills my mouth and leaves me feeling disgusted at the person that I am. It’s hard to describe without sounding like I’ve lost it, and unsurprisingly, the words won’t gather themselves just yet.

I want to cry at my lost innocence and memories of youth that I never thought would eventually leave me, which it has. I want to know what happened; how did I turn out this way? It feels a little like two summers ago, that eventful night when I stayed awake with this pounding truth pulsating through my entire body, that my entire life thus far, this self I’ve come to value and think of as good enough – everything’s a farce. I am a farce.

The difference this time around is I’m wide awake, living and breathing in the present, and yet the wind has knocked me cold. Adulthood, growth and changes are a lethal combination; everything is fine and yet nothing feels like it. It’s hard to describe, except to admit that I feel even more of a farce right now than I did two years ago. I feel even more hypocritical and hollow than I did back then. I feel silly, so incredibly silly and ashamed of the person that I’ve become. When I think about how I’ve carried and projected myself all this while, I want to erase all of it. I wish for a reset button.

Sometimes I think I carry my mother’s heart within myself so protectively that I forget where mine begins; is it even beating? Am I actually made of flesh and blood, worthy to be recognized as a person? I think I’ve been so full of myself that I have failed to take in the sights I should’ve paid attention to. I feel like an empty can; so much noise, hardly any substance. I am such a farce. I kind of hate myself at the moment; it’s the worse feeling.

Adulthood is a land mine and for the love of everything beautiful and innocent, I just can’t come out of it unaffected.

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5 thoughts on “into the fire.

  1. Everyone is, in essence, just flesh and blood, substance is relative and hardly palpable. In truth, substance comes from striving to be something: if you strive to be a better person, then you are a better person. With adulthood, it just becomes more evident that what fills us is not physical, definitive or set in stone, so our content might sometimes be unnoticiable from our own eyes, when we try to find something concrete instead of what it really is: something relative and ever-changing, not much different from an idea. It’s hard to think we are just that, but one should appreciate how maneuverable our content is, we can actually turn out to be anything we really wish for. The fact that you think and agonize over it just shows how much you actually strive to be something better, which shows how much substance you actually have. Innocence makes everything beautiful, but now we can appreciate the things that are truly beautiful. Just strive to find those things and you will eventually feel better about yourself.

  2. Sorry to say but more to come, Jan. You just need to look above and beyond each time it happens. I like to use one of the last quotes from my fav drama this year, Marriage Not Dating, “the worst always comes along with the best”. Climb that hill, mountain, whatever it may be, you’ll become a better person than you were before. Be brave!!

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