blue, blue sky.

Stanford_Fall2014_1

These days I’m all about the blue, blue sky.

My love/hate affair with this school continues. The irony that for such a bright place, at times it feels like a nightmare. Lots of good days yes, but as many days in which negative sentiments overpower my sensory nerves that I’ve to force myself to retrieve my center. Some days it still feels like I continue to seek validation of some sort, from who or what I don’t know, that I deserve to be here, that I’ve in fact earned my spot here – that I am just as academically valuable as my peers.

Lately I’ve taken to snapping some photos of the blue, blue sky.

These voices can keep making noise, self-doubt will always shadow my every step and it is a fact of life that I will not win all my battles but I need to find my center and stay in it, because there is only so much and for so long that one can hate and doubt oneself.

It’s true, there comes a moment when we need to look deep within and tell ourselves, “Enough is enough.” Because there is only so much and for so long that we can allow the voices that scream “I can’t!” to keep reverberating around our center. There is only so much that we can give up and give in to ourselves – to our doubts, fear, insecurities, and vulnerabilities before we must take a stand. This war is far from easy; it is not against some outside force, haters and naysayers, but the demons that live in our souls.

Stanford_Fall2014_2

These days I pay more attention to the blue, blue sky.

Some days I wake up and feel completely useless, a waste of potential and opportunity. Someone else would kill to be in my spot, this space, and this place. I am unmoved. Most days I wake up and wish with all my might that today is another day where I only need to do absolutely nothing. Other days I wake up and feel like I don’t even know what try is anymore, a word that was once so familiar it was a like second skin. Nowadays, the only trying that I do is one where I aim for absolutely nothing. I am uninspired.

I look up to the blue, blue sky that complements the beauty of this school and without fail, it is spellbinding. Even when I resist, I am awestruck.

The truth is that it doesn’t matter if I’ve fooled a hundred or thousands of people – I know my bluff, always. I don’t know if I am worthwhile, on par, to be here. I still don’t know and it haunts me. The truth hurts. I know its weight, I know it too well; I shouldered it for nine straight months last year. I no longer have expectations, forget self-confidence. I am to cowardice to speak about integrity.

The truth is that I am just faking it, hoping I will one day make it.

Stanford_Fall2014_3

This place is so beautiful that even the blue, blue sky seems different from here.

I don’t always win my battles, I’ve just learned to tune down some of those static noise. I don’t know what kind of validation, from who or what I really don’t know, that I seek, but it is haunting. Maybe I wish that someone would tell me, prove to me, that I deserve to be here as much as my peers. In my tiny mind’s eyes, they are so intelligent and well-balanced. I can barely keep up. It’s the same as it was last year-

but I want to write the ending differently this time.

There comes a moment in a person’s life, at least once in each life phase that a person lives through, where we must lay our demons to rest and tell them enough is indeed, truly and sincerely, enough. It has to. There is only so much, so far, and so deep that we can pile hatred upon ourselves for always falling short of our own expectations. There is only so much sadness that our deep wells can contain before the levee breaks. There is only so much negativity that our centers can ground to as they adhere to gravity. It is only for so long that we can allow ourselves to wither.

From the school grounds the blue, blue sky seems bluer than anywhere else…

…but it is also only one of an infinite. I must keep this in mind.

The horizon where this blue, blue sky meets the earth stretches further, wider and deeper than my tiny mind’s eyes can capture, what more comprehend.

There’s an entire world out there yet to be lived in, whole other skies to conquer. I’ve viewed some of the best and for all the ones that I’ve yet to experience – just because I don’t yet know them, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

Just because I don’t yet know them, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist. 

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4 thoughts on “blue, blue sky.

    1. Nestled right in between Facebook and Google, also known as Stanford… (the tallest building, Hoover Tower, can be seen in 2 of the photos and that’s meant to be a hint :)) the last one is the woods in Yosemite, loved the play of light where it shines through the leaves :)

  1. My parents ask me if I want to do grad school, and for once in my life I have an answer I am completely sure of, with zero hesitation: No. I tell them it’s because I am just done with studying, which is a partial truth – I’ve reached this stage where studying for exams no longer bears any weight for me, and that the gulf between what I’m studying and what’s out there is beginning to shake my center (I suppose this is a consequence of doing a social science, and not something skills based like computer science). I didn’t tell my parents that the world out there is just so big that the thought of spending another year in school, where I have already spent my entire life, pigeonholed into this one sphere of experience, is starting to pain me. So yes, it is time to burst this amazing bubble.

    1. I am so proud and happy for you for answering them with full confidence. It really doesn’t have to happen immediately and personally having been where you were and felt what you do now, you’ve got to go away and do other things, let those curiosity and motivation replenish and reappear when the timing is more fitting. There’s no point being in any, even the best of learning institutions, and not have yourself present – literally and metaphorically.

      “…and what’s out there is beginning to shake my center (I suppose this is a consequence of doing a social science, and not something skills based like computer science)” As someone who’s in the technical sciences – what you’d coined as computer science aha – I actually don’t think there’s a disparity in this feeling. After awhile there is only so much theory that one can take in, the gap between that and practical feels too wide even if it’s just inside our minds.

      I’m grateful for my educational years and the experiences that I’ve accrued from them and I’m sure you are too, and maybe the world out there isn’t as exciting as we think it is – but this here, now, is a comfort zone.

      And nothing ever grows there.

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