It’s like I’d accidentally unlocked a forgotten compartment in my heart tonight and now my emotions are splayed all over the walls; that’s a terrible shade of regret, shame, embarrassment, and immaturity. I want to apologize for being this way – for diving emotion-deep first, every time. It is like I never fucking learn, isn’t it? I came across this poem the other day and without planning to, I’ve now committed it to memory:
Nostalgia is a
that insists things
than they seemed.
– Michelle K., I Can’t Stop Questioning It.
My mind is full of memories of this particular friend today; it hurts. I’ll be honest. It genuinely still hurts. She doesn’t deserve this much of my mental and emotional space – I give her too much credit, I always do – and I know that the frustration I feel is because a small part of me still wishes for some kind of closure. I want to attempt to understand why is that to her, I am a pushover. Why is it that she talks down to me but not the rest of our friends, and why we stopped acknowledging each other in public and among our peers. I don’t understand where I am lacking in her eyes, and why. It took me a long time and a lot to arrive at the person that I am today – how dare you belittle my worth?
But you know, at the end of the day, maybe the most crucial lesson about acceptance that I need to learn – repeatedly and possibly for many years to come, until I finally get it – is to make peace with all the things and people that I cannot change. Just that, so simple. So easily said, yet difficult to live by isn’t it? But I promise I will keep trying.
I like this weekly schedule of selecting an old write-up of Third Sis and publishing it; I hope you find this section worthwhile and meaningful, too. I thought this particular piece of hers summed up what I feel tonight. She wrote this on May 30, 2012.
It hardly matters, to be honest. I feel like I’ve done this so many times it’s become something of a personal joke. But in truth, there is no humor in any of it. People are hurting all the time in spite of the ego boost of your honesty.
I know it sucks, and I know I should learn to hold my gun. But highway silent has got to be the lousiest method to execute change you could so easily achieve by just voicing it out. I don’t know how people put up with keeping truths they so desperately want to be rid of just to preserve their pride. How people fear rejection so much they put up with the mess. Sometimes I want to apologize for being so much of who I am. I wish I could hold you in my hand while I hold you in my heart, but I can’t be too busy dying everyday knowing deep down you’re really not something or someone I want to live for.
– Pinknerd | #1045. Stories of My Life