“Anything else you get is a privilege.”

TL;DR: I’m taking a break from drama-writing, possibly until June 2015!

Stanford at sunset (December 2014)

New year, new term.

Sometimes stress is good. After freaking out last night while job-“surfing” (literally), I woke up today with newfound perseverance and a kind of desperation to get my shit together, for real, this time around. Nothing’s really wrong, to be honest. But I’ve also never been a person without any plans of some sort and because I can’t decide if waiting for a job offer from my scholarship sponsor – a double-edged sword because it is without any strings attached, but also without any assurance – is me being stupid or patient, I’ve decided that I need to revert to my usual mindset: don’t think, just do. Try.

It hit me today, as I sat in several classes on topics I’m unfamiliar about but know will eventually come in handy and be useful, that I didn’t come to Stanford – hell, not the reason that I opted to continue grad school, period – to bury myself in Asian dramas. It’s such a trivial realization, even silly, but if you’ve noticed how I’ve grossly wasted away fall quarter… nope, this knock on the head is a long time coming. I’ve got six months from today. Six months! (Six months!)

I also want to return to my other old mindset, that same one that got me to where I am today: stay hungry, never settle. Because I am a person of faith, naturally I am leaning on Him through prayers, well-wishes, and just absolute faith in knowing that regardless what the outcome is, I will be okay. But you know, this doesn’t mean that I’m allowed to stay complacent and adrift. If I want something really bad – which I do, and it’s this particular job with my sponsor – then I’ve got to earn myself a spot. I can’t just tell Him, “Dear God, I really, really, really want an offer from them to come through,” and not attempt anything at all. Of course I will redha (accepting) of what is in store for me and I’ve told myself this from the get-go, but now it feels irresponsible to just wait for it to drop on my lap without an ounce of effort.

I think I’ve stayed stagnant long enough that it’s time to pick myself up and make good with my words, too much talking with so little actions, about where I see myself in six months to a year from now and beyond that, in the next five years. I’m writing this here because this is how I make promises with myself – this is how I hold myself accountable; this, here. Six months from now if things don’t work out as how I’d hoped, at the very least I want to look back and know that I tried.


So here’s the rough plan – I want to do school proper this quarter; no skirting and avoiding difficult-but-useful classes. I plan to job-hunt for real this time, at least put in a few applications you know? Start the process and part of the starting point is to cut back on drama-watching. I’ve decided I would also like to take a drama-writing break. Knowing what I know about myself, I’ll likely end up writing stuff – something – anyway, but I’m going to make a conscious effort to make use of my time better so the frequency will hopefully be more like once a month or something. I’ll tweet about dramas as usual so you can find me there, but until June 2015, I’m restoring blogphilic back to a personal blog. Hey, if I can just get my near-future nicely set up in this six months window, I’ll have a lifetime to drama-watch and drama-write as I damn well please.

I know I’ll continue to feel anxious and unsettled until something certain finally arrives (let’s hope it lands on my lap! If not, that I’ve prepared a life jacket to swim to shore!) because I am a worrywart before anything else, but of all the potential employers I’ll need to pseudo-charm, I’ve got to make sure that every step of the way and with every ticking minute in this unsettling waiting period, I’m a worthy candidate to the one that I answer to, the real Boss: Mr G.

Basically this is me telling myself: get your shit together, for real, N.

Wish me luck! (no better yet, keep me in your prayers!)


Don't Hold Back! Share Your Thoughts.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s