“Anything else you get is a privilege.”

TL;DR: I’m taking a break from drama-writing, possibly until June 2015!

Stanford_Dec2014
Stanford at sunset (December 2014)

New year, new term.

Sometimes stress is good. After freaking out last night while job-“surfing” (literally), I woke up today with newfound perseverance and a kind of desperation to get my shit together, for real, this time around. Nothing’s really wrong, to be honest. But I’ve also never been a person without any plans of some sort and because I can’t decide if waiting for a job offer from my scholarship sponsor – a double-edged sword because it is without any strings attached, but also without any assurance – is me being stupid or patient, I’ve decided that I need to revert to my usual mindset: don’t think, just do. Try.

It hit me today, as I sat in several classes on topics I’m unfamiliar about but know will eventually come in handy and be useful, that I didn’t come to Stanford – hell, not the reason that I opted to continue grad school, period – to bury myself in Asian dramas. It’s such a trivial realization, even silly, but if you’ve noticed how I’ve grossly wasted away fall quarter… nope, this knock on the head is a long time coming. I’ve got six months from today. Six months! (Six months!)

I also want to return to my other old mindset, that same one that got me to where I am today: stay hungry, never settle. Because I am a person of faith, naturally I am leaning on Him through prayers, well-wishes, and just absolute faith in knowing that regardless what the outcome is, I will be okay. But you know, this doesn’t mean that I’m allowed to stay complacent and adrift. If I want something really bad – which I do, and it’s this particular job with my sponsor – then I’ve got to earn myself a spot. I can’t just tell Him, “Dear God, I really, really, really want an offer from them to come through,” and not attempt anything at all. Of course I will redha (accepting) of what is in store for me and I’ve told myself this from the get-go, but now it feels irresponsible to just wait for it to drop on my lap without an ounce of effort.

I think I’ve stayed stagnant long enough that it’s time to pick myself up and make good with my words, too much talking with so little actions, about where I see myself in six months to a year from now and beyond that, in the next five years. I’m writing this here because this is how I make promises with myself – this is how I hold myself accountable; this, here. Six months from now if things don’t work out as how I’d hoped, at the very least I want to look back and know that I tried.

reg5_alcatraz_Dec2014

So here’s the rough plan – I want to do school proper this quarter; no skirting and avoiding difficult-but-useful classes. I plan to job-hunt for real this time, at least put in a few applications you know? Start the process and part of the starting point is to cut back on drama-watching. I’ve decided I would also like to take a drama-writing break. Knowing what I know about myself, I’ll likely end up writing stuff – something – anyway, but I’m going to make a conscious effort to make use of my time better so the frequency will hopefully be more like once a month or something. I’ll tweet about dramas as usual so you can find me there, but until June 2015, I’m restoring blogphilic back to a personal blog. Hey, if I can just get my near-future nicely set up in this six months window, I’ll have a lifetime to drama-watch and drama-write as I damn well please.

I know I’ll continue to feel anxious and unsettled until something certain finally arrives (let’s hope it lands on my lap! If not, that I’ve prepared a life jacket to swim to shore!) because I am a worrywart before anything else, but of all the potential employers I’ll need to pseudo-charm, I’ve got to make sure that every step of the way and with every ticking minute in this unsettling waiting period, I’m a worthy candidate to the one that I answer to, the real Boss: Mr G.

Basically this is me telling myself: get your shit together, for real, N.

Wish me luck! (no better yet, keep me in your prayers!)

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