The Onionsoul Edition: #1076.

How long does a person’s heart stay broken from friendship breakups accumulated over decades?

I don’t know if I would call it a mistake, but somehow just thirty minutes to calling it a night last night, I ended up on an old friend’s Facebook page. One of the girls, of course. Some of them had a mini-reunion and get-together just two days ago, continuing to prove the tenacity of their friendship circle — the same one I walked away from. So many details are now hazy but that single point will, I suspect, always stay with me. How I walked away; shunned. Still, before I know it, it will be ten years since what happened.

How long will this bitter aftertaste linger, when even the hurt has subsided?

I know this: I need to learn to let the past fucking go.

These days I can’t quit this uncomfortable feeling that gnaws my inside, stemming from this ocean of silence between myself and a friend I’ve always thought of as one of my best friends. We don’t talk anymore. I don’t know what to say.

Social media is a bitch; I have her on my Instagram, where she documents her whereabouts and expresses love for her dearest friends. When I come across those photos, I have a hard time keeping my cool. I don’t know where I fit in, in her sunshine-filled rooms, especially now. Some friends exude so much pessimism and negativity that they’re better off released from grip, you know? Sometimes I wonder if I… was that for her, because our friendship was forged through intense emotions accrued from growing pains. We were there for each other …or rather she for me, during my worse moments. I depended upon her more than she did with me.

Now that we are who we are now, older and matured, similar yet different – grown and well on our way to become the women we are, no longer the girls of yesterday… every shift is so small yet so tangible. Sometimes I think, it fucking hurts.

I shouldn’t be surprised, you know? I’ve gone through this a dozen times by now; what’s another friendship breakup, inevitable in the face of growth and life’s many transitional phases, added to an already long list of friends who I no longer care about and have no interest to reconnect with? Some friends you grow distant from good-naturedly and inevitably because the person you are is no longer the person you were. We are no longer puzzle pieces from the same box, you know? There is no point in rehashing the past, trying to revive personal histories best kept silenced.

But these days when I think of her and come across her photos, wide grins and glittering eyes – sometimes with one hand casually draped on the back of her closest friends, I… grief. If it was one friendship from my childhood days and past that I had hoped to keep, it would’ve been this one. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend to you.

A short one. On July 29, 2012, Third Sis echoed this that I feel right now:

It’s difficult to watch from your mental eye a friendship slowly falling apart when it is within your control, but not exactly. 

It takes two to make any relationship work. So when you’re the only one dancing, you know you have to stop sometime – whether or not the music is still playing. 

Everything dies, why do you act so surprised?

– Pinknerd | #1076. Left Unsaid (It’s Hard To Let You Go)

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