cold spell.

Those of you who’ve been reading me here for a while will not find anything new in this blurb because this has been mentioned way too often here, but I wrote this last night for Facebook (as in, for real life friends to read and know). Since I haven’t been writing anything – not much, at least – for the past two weeks – 90% because of school but… maybe I’ll check back in and write something about this later – I figured why not, I might as well just share it here too, where my words and emotions carry deeper meaning and weight because everything that defines my heart and soul – all here, in this space.

___

The other day a friend asked if I’m ‘prepared’ to go home for good – am I not worried, after being away for so long? “I’m scared like shit-“ I responded honestly. And the direction that Malaysia as a nation is headed these days… “-but I don’t think I want to live like this anymore. I’m exhausted. Maybe it looks like everything’s dandy, but there’s a lot of loneliness and struggles behind the scenes. Sure I wanted this back then – I don’t think I was ready to give up the independence and whatnot – but funny, what I wanted at twenty-two, I’ve a hard time convincing myself I still want them, now at twenty-four.” I paused. “I think if I’m someone who’s sold by the American dream, then it would’ve been easy – the financial security and socioeconomic perks, all those aspects that people equate success with here – I would’ve been fine. Everything would’ve been great. But they don’t…” I paused again, uncertain if I should admit this out loud, “they don’t fill my cup. You know what I mean?” The past six years have been fantastic and nothing my younger self who held on to an 8-year old dream of studying and living abroad could’ve ever imagined, and of course I’m grateful, always, but what sustains a life lived with purpose is the state of one’s soul and this place… for all its successes and wealth, does little to my soul. And I’ll be honest: I don’t know if home is the answer either, but I’m willing to give it a shot and you know, regardless what the outcome will be – no one can say I didn’t try.

___

There is, I must say, one thing that never ceases to amaze me: that indeed I have lived long and meaningful enough in my young adult life thus far such that I carry, both inside and with me, tales and experiences of my growth. I don’t know if they’re worth telling, all of them, but they mark and are evidences of my different transitional growth. And you know, on a bad day like today where I question for the hundredth time how I got here, physically and the person that I am, as I am – I look back and realize that I’ve come… a fair distance. Above all, I remind myself that despite what I feel today – like there’s a cold spell in my heart – my heart of life is good. Warm. That’s most important.

I’ll check back in again.

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3 thoughts on “cold spell.

  1. !!!!!
    I just want to frame your last paragraph there. It’s everything I’m feeling right now and everything I need to remind myself of. For me, everyone keeps asking, what are you going to do after graduation? And each time, I think quietly, “NO CLUE, OKAY?” Then when I go home, I think, I don’t need to know what to do, and being sad over not knowing what I want to do with my life is kind of… excessively privileged? How many people in the world are given the opportunity to actually think to themselves, wow, I can do anything I want… Too few, that’s how many.

    Reshaping our struggles with a heavy dose of perspective, like you have, is essential to a happier life in my opinion.

    1. Oh, are you in college? (Hang in there, haha) And ha, “excessively privileged” is an interesting – and not inaccurate – way to put it. Sometimes I think it’s the curse (or blessing, depending on one’s perspective) of our generation – this passion generation, that you’ve got to have it “all figured out” and especially in a way where you’re going/planning a life after what you love …but that’s not necessarily true, you know? Because life happens along the way and perspectives change depending on where you are etc. So at least for me, after awhile I’ve made peace with the fact that people can live the glamorous and big city lights life – my perspectives on “success” and “happiness” differ from that and that’s just fine :)

      1. I am indeed – haha thank you, it’s been a long trek so far.
        And I completely agree. Generation Y IS the passion generation, possibly more so than any other generation so far. And that might, even this sounds kind of cynical, be a testament to just how self-centered this generation is? That we think we can go out and do EXACTLY what we want, and that anything less means we’re not living our life “correctly”. And perspective does change. So what makes us happy as a twenty something might not make us happy as a forty something. Happiness isn’t necessarily in a career. Your happiness might come from relationships and mine might come from travelling and Sally’s might come from exercise. Who knows? But screw putting happiness into a box!

        Okay, I’ve rambled, but I am so happy I found your wonderful blog to follow. :)

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