Those of you who’ve been reading me here for a while will not find anything new in this blurb because this has been mentioned way too often here, but I wrote this last night for Facebook (as in, for real life friends to read and know). Since I haven’t been writing anything – not much, at least – for the past two weeks – 90% because of school but… maybe I’ll check back in and write something about this later – I figured why not, I might as well just share it here too, where my words and emotions carry deeper meaning and weight because everything that defines my heart and soul – all here, in this space.
The other day a friend asked if I’m ‘prepared’ to go home for good – am I not worried, after being away for so long? “I’m scared like shit-“ I responded honestly. And the direction that Malaysia as a nation is headed these days… “-but I don’t think I want to live like this anymore. I’m exhausted. Maybe it looks like everything’s dandy, but there’s a lot of loneliness and struggles behind the scenes. Sure I wanted this back then – I don’t think I was ready to give up the independence and whatnot – but funny, what I wanted at twenty-two, I’ve a hard time convincing myself I still want them, now at twenty-four.” I paused. “I think if I’m someone who’s sold by the American dream, then it would’ve been easy – the financial security and socioeconomic perks, all those aspects that people equate success with here – I would’ve been fine. Everything would’ve been great. But they don’t…” I paused again, uncertain if I should admit this out loud, “they don’t fill my cup. You know what I mean?” The past six years have been fantastic and nothing my younger self who held on to an 8-year old dream of studying and living abroad could’ve ever imagined, and of course I’m grateful, always, but what sustains a life lived with purpose is the state of one’s soul and this place… for all its successes and wealth, does little to my soul. And I’ll be honest: I don’t know if home is the answer either, but I’m willing to give it a shot and you know, regardless what the outcome will be – no one can say I didn’t try.
There is, I must say, one thing that never ceases to amaze me: that indeed I have lived long and meaningful enough in my young adult life thus far such that I carry, both inside and with me, tales and experiences of my growth. I don’t know if they’re worth telling, all of them, but they mark and are evidences of my different transitional growth. And you know, on a bad day like today where I question for the hundredth time how I got here, physically and the person that I am, as I am – I look back and realize that I’ve come… a fair distance. Above all, I remind myself that despite what I feel today – like there’s a cold spell in my heart – my heart of life is good. Warm. That’s most important.
I’ll check back in again.