The Onionsoul Edition: #957.

I’d initially planned to wait until I’m actually home to feature this one, but of late the idea of home is sobering. These days there is just so much stupidity, coupled with blind hatred from religious bigots in Malaysia that reading local news leaves a sour taste in my mouth and reeks the air with a disgusting, pungent smell. In the past, it was the inane politicking and slander, but nowadays, to add to the worsening situation, it’s normal people spewing and doing godawful things, misguided in their beliefs.

I am angered and perplexed. Disappointed. Genuinely fearful.

Did we overuse the word harmony that we no longer believe in it anymore?

I woke up today feeling angry; for a split second, I wish I’d made the decision to stay here, Stateside. When I caught myself thinking that, it hit me how differently things would’ve played out had I not grown up the way I did – with love for my country. How would things have played out, if this sentiment is absent from my heart?

I’m not even home yet, and already I’m scared I’ll turn out exactly as she’d written about herself here. She wrote this on January 16, 2012. I pray to God, sincerely, that I won’t find myself repeating her words mere months from now.

Suddenly ‘home’ feels too small a place to be. We drive into malls, out at a mamak place, and back into malls again – it’s discomforting. I lay my eyes on the tall buildings of KL and realize I don’t know what I love about this place anymore. I fidget every five minutes into my thoughts, trying hard to remember old loves in between sitting still, and suddenly I feel so afraid of what I may become if I do not love where I am – if I do not love my country. I’m waiting for that point where comfort will settle in again and I will not mind being here, but I am also afraid of when that time finally comes, because it would (might) mean I would disappear again, obscured by my own existence, ignorant of the fact that I am uninspired. When life will take hold and I will potentially become stagnant. 

These days I write notes to myself quite religiously, each note listing the things I wish to do for the country, the society, the world, and the self. Reminders of myself today in case I forget tomorrow. This fear is real, and I’m just thankful my best girl is coming back too. 

2012 should stop being so bad ass, we’re just getting started. 

– Pinknerd | #957. I Know You Think Me A Dreamer.

.

This fear is real.

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