The Onionsoul Edition: #448.

This. This one’s important. This is why we’re sisters.

I spent the last two hours on my sister’s old blog, because my heart feels heavy and unsettled tonight. I’ve backtracked something like oh, just 600 or so entries (easy read because she’s concise, unlike me). I think I need to call it a night, for my sanity’s sake – and laptop memory space, because I’ve screen shot hundreds of those entries – and I thought nothing speaks so perfectly to my soul right now, tonight, like #448.

This was written some time ago on October 15, 2010.

I remember she wrote this for my nineteen year-old self; still relevant at twenty-four.

Do you remember feeling insecure as a person that every female you look at have more, look better, smile nicer? And you mull over the fact that you’re not very tall, you don’t smell as nice or if someone were to eat you, probably you won’t even taste as good. But see, when you are more concern[ed] about personal growth, about becoming a much wholesome person inside, this insecurity isn’t quantified by what other girls wear that you’re not, or how differently your cheeks crease when you smile or the amount of boys who kiss the ground you walk on. Rather, you start looking at other girls’ personalities that you admire and realize how much you want to be like that but can’t. There is a bitter acknowledgment that the older you get, you realize how personalities, like your head and your limb and even that funky intestines in your stomach, are all integrated in one package. That you are who you are. And if you hate one thing about you, then you hate yourself as a whole. So one slight disappointment might accentuate when you see how easily some of these girls achieve the things that you want but have to put 10 times the effort to achieve. Or when you fall for the wrong person whose personality is just so damn contrasting knowing that he will likely only fall for that girl similar to himself. 

It’s a sad thing though how it’s so easy to forget that you are amazing as you are when one tiny disappointment for some reason defines your entire life. Or the fact that you are that other girl for a bunch of other girls who look at you and want to be something like, but can’t just as much.

What does it take, and how long, to finally love you, for you?

– Pinknerd | #448. Had An Inkling I was Gaining Weight, But What Had I Been Eating?

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