the shape of things to come (are here).

There’s so much to say, I just don’t know where to begin.

I am typing this in the middle of clutter – of my things, not my things – in a room that’s mine, maybe not mine, now on the other side of the world I have long acknowledged as home …but am not so sure anymore.

In the small moments, I am happy. I think I am. I’m convinced I am.

In the bigger moments though? I don’t know. I think grief, if I can call it that, is at last catching up with me.  Well, took it long enough. Or is it simply that I’ve held on for long enough? Overwhelmed, I’m constantly overwhelmed and so I drive myself to do work – clean up, rearrange, unpack and whatever else to take my mind off of things. I blame it on jet lag for the reason I’ve been calling it early, night after night.

Maybe I’m half-lying, half-kidding everyone but myself.

Over the past 2.5 days, I have been unpacking and unpacking but the honest truth is that, I think it is my sense of self and soul that are being unassembled and I am secretly dying a slow death over this. There’s so much to say, I don’t know where to begin. Today makes me sad. Last night made me unexpectedly sad.

I’ll share this; I wrote this last night and shared on my Facebook. To silence, of  course. Because what can my immediate circle of loved ones say? Maybe this will give you an idea. I am reminding myself that trying times don’t last – it’s people who do. I am reminding myself that no adjustment period is an eventful one. I am reminding myself that I’ve gone through this too many times; I’m a veteran, so I need to trust myself and all the things I’m made of. All the things I already am that no one can take away.

But –

– in the constant noise and static of everything I’m supposed to do and be,

I don’t quite know myself anymore.

Today makes me inexplicably sad.

When you meet your best friend upon returning home and realized this so-called natural progression of marriages and babies have overtaken even her such that maybe you need to rethink the reality you’re (already) twenty-four.

…Or maybe you need to start questioning why this society is so adamant and transfixed in this belief that all life outcomes must end with marriages and babies. And so maybe you ought to instead start rethinking how you’re only twenty-four years young with a myriad of possibilities and outcomes. 

Stay afloat.

Stay afloat. Don’t you dare drown.


2 thoughts on “the shape of things to come (are here).

  1. Hey jandoe, I’ve been busy with (real) life since summer began so I didn’t really have time to comment on your entries. I hope you feel better now, when things seem to be the worst, try ice cream therapy or your favorite food therapy. problems still will be there, but at least your soul (and tummy) got some comforts.

    in one of my childhood favorite book, there is a quote “FORWARD! March! Children!” The groupd started with several people but in the end, the main character must go your own way, alone, all by himself. sometimes I feel down and I remind myself of that, “FORWARD! March! Children!”

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