(in a quest to save my soul)

Today marks exactly a week that I have been home (for good). It’s no surprise to say that I’m still desperately, stubbornly, and painfully adjusting. To be honest, it hasn’t been all bad, being home. But I think my emotions are finally catching up with me and so there’s a lot to take in, outwardly and inwardly. I’ve been so busy keeping up with the mundane too that there’s little room for anything else.

I’m okay, but also not. I’m happy, but also struggling.

I’m already here, but also still there.

In other words: right now I am a struggling, screaming paradox.

Unlike my sister, who upon returning home for good from Australia nearly five years ago started keeping notes to herself – I’ve been ‘talking’ to myself a lot. This might sound crazy, but I converse with myself on a daily basis – several times a day, in fact. I remind myself over and over about the things I’ve learned and picked up from my years away from home. I reaffirm the individual, woman, I’ve grown into.

I acknowledge and therefore let myself admit that I miss the life I had in America – I miss a lot of things about the past six years, they’re all coming to me now in bits and pieces; the littlest and simplest things undo me and make me nostalgic and aching – but this is the life I chose. This is the decision I made: to return. Right now it sucks for the most part yes, but I must live not with it, but through it …because part of being an adult, so I’m learning, is to standby my decisions and deal with the consequences. So okay, I accept. I’m wading through this gloomy phase with my eyes, heart, and mind wide open.

It’s hard to write lately.

I think it’s partly because right now, I am on defense mode – I’m trying very, very hard to retain my sanity and sense of self. I refuse to conform to ridiculous societal norms. I refuse to be that girl who can dream – but with limits; or be that person who is allowed to be happy – but within the society’s definition of happiness. Fucking no.

You can confiscate my materials, maybe even my voice – but I’ll never hand you my soul.

I refuse to drown.

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One thought on “(in a quest to save my soul)

  1. If not now, then when? Better to go through these struggles now than later. I hope you continue to tell yourself positive things! You’re worth it! You’re enough! You’re amazing! You’re a great writer! You’re a Jong Hyun expert! You overcame a lot! You survived grad school! You give great speeches! You bravely made the choice to return home! You’re a WINNER! You’re JAN JAN!

    “Stay gold,” Jan!

    \o/\o/\o/\o/\o/\o/\o/\o/\o/ We are all cheering you on! (≧ω≦)

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