“When a wave comes, go deep.”

When I write about home, from now on and for the time being, I hope to do so in a more positive light.

I’m not trying to be all sunshine and rainbows – God knows I can’t – but I think I need to be more responsible about the content that I put out in all my social media – this blog, most important of all I think, because here is where I am most honest. And by honest, I don’t just mean to you, readers, but also to myself. Not for the first time, I realized that whenever I write about home here, I paint intricate images filled with heavy, sometimes burdensome, emotional colors.

I don’t do justice to home.

I think it took me three full weeks since arriving home to realize what it was that I was going through: culture shock. So unsurprisingly obvious that I laughed when the thought finally hit me square; how had I overlooked it? It took me an entire month to shake off the adjustment period – the constant state of feeling either overwhelmed or frustrated – and finally feel at ease with the reality that I am home, for good. It’s taken me a full month-and-a-half to finally be able to sincerely express “I am happy” without the need to add an if, but, or maybe following those three words.

The truth is, since being back, I’ve never felt more myself than I do now. The last six years were invaluable, I will never tire to write and express this, but home is also a rather magical space. Despite the instability of my emotional state whenever I am home – which, frankly, is inevitable and unavoidable – the truth is, I get to be myself, wholly myself, at all times. I am judged and scrutinized yes, but I am also loved and admired, and in both cases, always as a whole being: myself.

HONY in Pakistan, Summer 2015

Everything this girl expressed – yes, yes, and yes.

I’ll be honest: I want to work in Singapore. I do, because I want to experience living there. But I think timing matters. Context matters. Growth matters the most. There’s still too many things I want, need, to do in Malaysia. Causes to fight for, people to meet and mingle with, strangers to encounter and bewitch, pavements to tread and roads to learn.

My fighting spirit here is just getting started; don’t put out the ember before the flame has a chance to blaze, y’know?

For the umpteenth time – let’s begin again, shall we?

The road to learning is endless and the limits to self-improvement is infinite.

By the way, one more – a personal favorite – from Humans of New York, because HONY’s a gem:

HONY_when a wave comes, go deep

“There are three things you can do when life sends a wave at you. You can run from it, but then it’s going to catch up and knock you down. You can also fall back on your ego and try to stand your ground, but then it’s going to clobber you. Or you can use it as an opportunity to go deep, and transform yourself to match the circumstances. And that’s how you get through the wave.”

These words – so powerful I can’t. Go deep.


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