I don’t fancy Thought Catalog – I tried, several years ago I tried hard to like it, but found it mostly pretentious and too tryhard, but a year or two ago, Third Sis shared this painfully resonating write-up, The Breakups We’re Not Allowed To Talk About, by contributing author-blogger, Chelsea Fagan.
It recently surfaced again and what impeccable timing. I’ve been chewing on this because right now I’m sensing, feeling, and experiencing natural friendship deterioration – falling apart – with so many once-familiar faces and characters.
Somewhere in the write-up, was this:
“And we never talk about friend breakups, because we don’t think of them in the same way. We don’t analyze the loss in our lives the same way, and we certainly don’t expect to be able to go to other friends crying, mourning the loss of a relationship you valued so much.”
Then this followed that above, just about plummeting my poorly beating heart to death:
“But losing a girlfriend has often left me as devastated (if not more so) as losing a romantic relationship. It eats away at me, and runs my self-esteem into the ground. Because it doesn’t feel like a release or a moment of closure the way you do feel the end of a romantic relationship (even if it’s painful), it only feels like evidence of my own shortcomings, of my failures, of the fact that I couldn’t make it work with a girl I loved.”
Unlike years past, I’m now mature enough to accept this loss, breakup, falling apart – whatever we choose to call it – with an open and forgiving heart. It doesn’t mean it sucks any less, but I’ve stopped beating myself (and them) up so much over what is simply natural transitional growth – we grow up, and grow apart. Life runs its course; some things just are.
I’ve stopped telling myself to work so hard to make people love me – to make them stay, really – because some people simply aren’t for keeps, you know? And it’s neither you nor them. I’m finding out, learning things the hard way, that oftentimes, a friendship bond lasts for only as long as a life phase lasts. No matter how much we loved each other in that time period, time will always win as priorities are reshuffled and personalities are influenced by external and internal environments …we, just as they do, morph into different versions of ourselves. Grown.
It is nobody’s fault – life runs its course, things and people just are.
I understand these, like I do too many things – in theory, always in theory – but the honest, emotional truth is this, and it is laughably simple: the process never gets any easier. When growth makes its presence felt, my whole world shakes out of equilibrium. It matters not if this is my first or last time experiencing this – it always hurts just the same.
I am, at the moment, grieving over several friendships lost to the tides of time and waves of coming-of-age.