Adulthood in one (2 AM) word: Sh*t.

As we all know, very soon, my life will go back to being routine and while I want some structure back in my life, I’m not sure how I feel about this. I’m not sure how I feel about dedicating my life to my next vice, this next phase: the working world. Or in blogphilic‘s long-term self-crafted term for it: the Big Bad. Honestly, I think it’s mostly just nerves talking right now – I’m well-aware I’m mentally extrapolating way ahead of time right now, worying about something that hasn’t even – if it does – happened. To worry is absolutely silly, I know, but ah – I can’t help it.

I think what scares me – among the many things that scare me because I’m annoyingly cowardice this way – is the realization that unlike school with its set deadlines and timelines – 4 years of undergrad, 2 years of master etc – the working world is different. It’s unknown and by unknown, that word could very well be infinite. Because many people work to their deaths, no? And just as many recognize work as their life – lifeline. If you find the right causes and jobs, I think it will be an extremely fulfilling thing to stick to and likewise, if it’s something that keeps food on your table – all power to you for staying on and committing your life to it… but right now my mind’s only able to process unknown as infinite or forever.

And when it comes to forever – the idea of any forever is daunting.

It scares me to jump into something knowing that the way out isn’t obvious. Depending how things turn out, that exit door may or may not be necessary. Again – it’s silly to worry about this now, cos this is totally a case of “cross that bridge when you get there” but ah – I can’t help it. I think I’ve never jumped into something without an estimated timeline in mind.

Something else scares me, or more like worries me immensely. It’s silly, I think, but it’s a genuine worry.

I worry… how to play the superficiality game. Of surviving the corporate world, because this is the world I’m going to enter. I’ve rubbed some shoulders with people in this field and line of job and they’re mostly cocky or with some airs. The humble, down-to-earth folks are far and few. There’s always this need to prove oneself, thinking of others as Competition.

Sigh.

I can play their game, any game, if need be. I know this much about myself when it comes to adaptability. I am not my mother’s daughter for nothing, remember? She’s not just a survivalist – she damn well made sure her kids are, too. So yes, I can play their game of dick-waving and ego-swinging and whatever, but the real question is: why? Why should I?

The other question is: to play the game, in fact volunteer myself as a player – how silly! – at the expense of losing myself?

Again, the realest question comes to mind: why?

I have no answers, except that I have my feet planted on realistic grounds. I need to start somewhere; I want financial security; I had no other offers to pick-and-choose from; I’d genuinely prayed for this. All signs point here, basically.

I know, I know – I need to stop extrapolating. Don’t worry about things that has yet to happen. Don’t stress and lose sleep over things beyond my control, what ifs that frankly might – probably? – just remain as what ifs. Plus, “You go where the opportunity takes you.” I swear I listened. I’m constantly listening, I promise.

But wow, adulthood. You are difficult at times, you know that?

I want so badly to be an adult about my life and how I walk it, but my god, I don’t always feel the age that I am. It was only recently, for instance, that I admitted  out loud, “Maybe I need to accept and come to terms with the fact that I’m not as young as I think I feel” – because teenage girls sheepishly lowered their gazes when they pass by me in malls, the same gesture I used to do whenever I felt an adult’s disapproving gaze on my teenage self. I’m now often addressed as kak, or older sister.

Secretly, internally, I’m dying from this. I’m not used to any of ’em.

Half the time, in my mind, I’m like a newborn. So many things are foreign to me – like relationships. But forget that R-word for now. How to survive the working world is what is trippin’ me; how do I embrace routine without letting it kill me? How do I manage my finances, owning credit cards and taking up loans and paying them back and all that jazz? My god, I am barely starting out with driving myself! …Now you’re making me put myself in the driver’s seat of my life too?

I need a moment.

Sometimes I genuinely forget I am twenty-four and when I remember, half the time I’m just going, “Shit.”

How very mature of me, I know.

The good news is – if this is any consolation – I’ve 2.5 months to get used to what’s coming.

The bad news is – I don’t know if having this 2.5 months will actually change anything.

But really, maybe this really is all about jumping first and growing wings on the way down, y’know?

(Except sh*t – where’s my wings again?!)

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4 thoughts on “Adulthood in one (2 AM) word: Sh*t.

  1. Hugs. I’m sure all will be fine, Jan. I’ve found that very often, the anticipation of something is usually much worse than the actual event. I’d say, enjoy your 2.5 months and don’t worry too much. I mean, you can do some things to prepare, like read an industry-specific book, but don’t let the impending change steal your joy. You should savor these last 2.5 months before structure arrives :)

    1. I meant to reply this earlier today, so sorry for this late reply ! Thank you so much kfangurl for the pep talk and reminder to just take it as it comes ♡♡♡ *hugs*

  2. It’s a small consolation, but working in a corporate office setting does eventually become “normal”. If you are anything like me, you will spend the first 6 months hiding every interesting and unique thing about yourself to blend in until you are no longer the “new guy” and someone else goes under the microscope. It does suck sometimes, I guess I have survived by keeping my work life and personal life as seperate as possible. <3 hang in there!

    1. I meant to reply sooner but kept getting distracted – aw, thank you so much operahell, for this comment. It is a HUGE consolation :) I’m really hoping not to hide who I am though (I made that mistake with Stanford and never quite recovered even after leaving) so I don’t want history to repeat twice. But ugh the anxiety and yes, keeping work life vs personal life as separate as possible is something I wanna achieve …without losing my authentic self in the process and in-between.

      (Still no answers on how to achieve this though)

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