It is a curious thing, growth. Growing up. Adulthood.
No one ever said growing up would be easy, but neither did they teach us how to navigate through it and come out o-k-a-y.
Because I’m okay, but also not? Life is good, but also… life. I feel a little like I’m waiting for a time-ticking clock to go off and present me with the inevitable: a huge explosion that will change everything I know in this present. What will happen, transpire, when Truth – all of it – is revealed? What happens next? What happens to her? What happens to us?
“You and I need to stay levelheaded in this. I need you with me on this.”
I nodded my head, reading and echoing her worry, as if tracing each frown on her forehead like my own. I need you with me on this. I actually can’t remember if she ever said this to me before; it was always her protecting and looking out for everyone, especially me – I was previously never thought of and counted on as an ally. Until now. Oh, how time changes us.
I have not used the word ‘functional‘ on myself for a long time.
That was the single most-used word, I think, during my girlhood years as I gritted my teeth and braved through the aftermath of opening Pandora’s box. I remember the word as a placeholder; definition; cryptic answer; reality check.
I can’t fucking believe I am using – living – it again.
Because this is the truth – I am quote-unquote functional right now. Even as events are unfolding with players moving freely, creating chaos… I went ahead and watched a movie tonight, trying to get things off my chest and mind for 2 hours. I’m still living my life, basically, like I’m still learning to drive better now that I have a brand-new first car – it’s gold in color! – and my days are busily spent running errands and listening to problems I can’t fix about people I love dearly but can’t live with. I am working out the details of my move to the-city-that-really-feels-like-a-small-town across the South China Sea, two hours away by flight from KL. My day-to-day activities continue to be busy, like any normal person, even if tsunami warnings are ongoing right now cautioning any day now… maybe even before 2016… things will change.
And change will come not silently – never silently – but fucking crashing.
On one hand, should I be glad I’ll be away? Come hell or high water, I’ll be two hours away by flight, busily trying to build a financially-spurred-and-motivated new life. Could I still be an ally if I will be away? Should I be glad to be away? Or, should I feel remorseful and regretful for being, yet again, the one who gets to go away? How hard should I fight to return?
Am I wasting time worrying about the inevitable if it hasn’t yet arrived?
“[Because] you and I, we’re able to contextualize; even amid the crashing waves, we can still make out the overall picture.”
I kind of feel like I am weighing pros and cons in my heart and mind – repeatedly, like a broken record player. Listening and talking about the same stickiness, circling around the same issues and players, praying and praying and desperately praying they will for once dear God please move them in the direction I hope they will – path of least resistance, in a way – so potential and further damages will be minimized. Sometimes I wish we can quit each other just so we’re allowed breathing spaces because there is no such thing as unconditional love between humans – only fools believe this – so we might as well leave each other alone for a time so we can learn what loss feels like; even better, how not to take one another for granted.
But we don’t get to pick-and-choose those given to us on loan. So we persevere and try to work ways around these players, sometimes reminding ourselves for the millionth time that adulthood is compromise. Touché.
So I can love you with all my might, but what can I do if my love for you only serves as background music in your life and narratives? I can love you with all that is in me, but you decide to have it fade into the background. What do you expect me or anyone in this situation to do, stay there? Are you fucking crazy? Only fools do that. I will move on, and so will everyone.
If you’re going to insist on turning into an island, what can I do about it? I love you, but you call it soundtrack. Well then.
It is a curious thing, growth.
At least, back then I had an excuse – a child. I was still a child, later a teen. Neither fully formed nor fully independent both times. What’s my excuse now? Deeply-in-denial adulthood? Still a fucking late-bloomer adult?
It’s a curious thing, growth. I just never know how to do it right.
No, scratch that.
I have no fucking clue.