“Do you want to be here (in the team)?”

I’ve officially survived my first week of work and to be completely honest, while I know – I think – what I feel, I also feel too many things all at once that I don’t know if I can write about them just yet. These emotions – sometimes frustration, other times glimmers of happiness – they come-and-go and hit me in waves. Some nights I come back from work feeling still mostly like myself, yet I also have nights where I wish I can simply  sleep through this inevitable rite-of-passage phase.

As usual – because the only internet connection at my rented room/house right now is via my mobile – I wrote two reflective pieces on Friday night and posted them to Facebook. I’m sharing them here because I would’ve written them over here first. Recognizing my resistance is a challenge, I think, because it means that I keep waddling – despite reminding myself it’s a Bad Idea – in what ifs and roads not taken. What’s done is done, I keep chiding myself, yet I also desperately want to remember that this job isn’t a start-all-end-all. It’s not all-or-nothing but exactly what it is: a start.

Here’s part one, which has everything to do with my new job:

I survived my first week of work!!

I can’t say that I never thought I’d arrive at this point – of course I knew I would – yet just the same, I think I need one good night’s sleep and probably even, one good cry – to y’know, let this pressing, overwhelming feeling out of my system. Sometimes everything just feels too frikkin new I want to flip tables in frustration and as an act of rebellion. Because while I’ve stacked up my small achievements – I drove Cousin Bro’s Honda City car a few times and survived! I drove at night for the first time and was okay! I mingled with dozens of new people without coming off (too) awkward or kooky! – to look at my glass half-full (never half-empty) there’s also a part of me that feels like I’m rushing the learning and adapting process too much; I keep feeling like I’m on awkward footing.

I’m trying my darndest to move from the student/intern mentality but school has always been what I know best that it’s easier said than done to shake it off entirely -and school is predictable; the Big Bad less so. I keep finding myself feeling rushed too, constantly in a hurry to “get things done” that today, a colleague made a passing comment, “It’s like you’re running in a 100m race!” (You’re allowed to slow down. Even if you don’t know half the things that you’re doing and listening, blindly absorbing, you’re allowed to slow down and move at your own pace.) Many people seem surprised that I’ve settled in – rented room, car shipped etc – and I’m just genuinely puzzled by their reaction. “So fast!” They commented. But I also know why I’m desperate to stay in motion.

Because I recognize my resistance: environmental (engineering) is still too close to my heart – I secretly wish I fought to stay in that field instead of settling for next best. It’s not regret that I taste because this was a conscious decision after all, but sometimes – sometimes – it feels a lot like it. It’s unsettling.

“Do you want to be here (in the team)?”

I promise I’m working, hard, for my answer to be “Yes.”


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