“What if I don’t want this to be an option anymore?”

“25 is about getting to know who I’ve become without realizing.
And I’m sorry it took so long, but you know, life happened.”

— Adele

If there is a word that I dislike associating myself to and maybe, to a degree, is the reason that I don’t bring it up openly here – always in subtext and in-between lines – it is lonely. Because I hate what comes to others’ minds the moment it is brought up and as a result, how I am viewed upon. I am trying, been trying, to think of a way to write this without coming off sounding sorry or even – the horror – desperate. Above all though, I do not want to sound sad about it. I want to be honest without sounding pathetic; is it possible? Because I am lonely and I recognize this – most times I’ve simply learned to chuck it aside and move on with my life, but there are quiet moments where I feel, “I don’t want to do my life alone anymore.”

There are moments where I feel, I’d like to depend on someone because I am tired of shouldering my emotional pain alone. I’ve written this before – I’ll bring it up again: I do alone well, but not loneliness. And these days, I find that these two are intersecting in a particularly rough gray area – being by myself is not so much fun anymore. Yet people, oh people – they exhaust me. Most of the time, I just want someone by my side who would simply be there, without judgment and in silence. I have that in Eldest Sis, my true soul-sister and light, but even in the most loving female friendship – though our love for each other is unconditional and true, there are roles that we simply cannot be for each other.

Sometimes I have weak moments where I fear I will live my entire life alone, a party of one till death. Other times I shrug this thought away, knowing that if it is one thing I know about myself, it is that I wear self-sufficiency as an armor. I will survive either way, I think to myself. But these days, sometimes… I want to talk about the loneliness that eats up my soul. I want to talk about filling this gap, even if I find it extremely difficult to do so because as much as I am a person who thrives in a social environment and need people for all seasons, I have intense self-awareness that I constantly need time for myself. I want to talk about this loneliness without sounding sad, sorry or even desperate. I want to talk about this that is human nature. I want to talk about this that is difficult to admit out loud without admitting, by proxy, my ultimate vulnerability.

When I catch a sunset – which is pretty often, because they are light to my soul – I want to share that joy and view. I want to spend evenings at the beach doing nothing but be in awe of God’s artistic talents. I want to spend hours in a coffee shop or a café much like this that I’m sitting in right now, typing this, in a company of two, maybe even three and more. I want to have deep, soul-sustaining conversations with someone who will stay – not for the night; I don’t do that – for my lifetime.

I want someone who hears me out and think, your thoughts are beautiful.

I think about this over and over lately, for months now; I’m tired, so tired, of doing my whole life alone. And I can do it, I know I can because I am, after all, built for self-sufficiency – but what if I no longer want this to be an option? I run around in circles about this, I know – we’ve gone through this topic before, haven’t we? – but each time, it only makes me more painfully aware of the true nature of my solitude, one that I appreciate and cherish but also, ironically, weep over.

Because I am tired – exhausted, fed up – of doing my whole life alone. What if I don’t want this to be an option anymore? Sometimes I’m even angry – how come other people don’t have to go through their lives alone, yet here I am, still lonely?

In a quiet, subtle, and deeply vulnerable way – I am in pain.

I think to myself, 25 is an age of rediscovery. I also want it to be an age of bravery – but I do not know where to begin.

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