“It’s here, goddamnit, where I need to stay alive.”

It’s difficult to articulate this loneliness – if I were to call it that.

To be completely honest, I don’t at all feel like answering, “How’ve you been?” Or wait, you’re in luck. Here, I do have a ready script – a reflection blurb written two nights ago:

Survived my third week! Maybe my problem (“challenge”) is that I can’t talk about the good wihout acknowledging the bad – I just can’t write about the highs pretending the lows don’t exist. I understand all these new-normal will eventually become old-normal but this getting there – adapting – is an emotional and professional battlefield. Career development’s been the theme all week forcing me to confront my internal resistance – “You’re not letting go of environmental” (“…this will hinder your willingness to learn!”) – and realizing that while I may be ambitious and hungry, these traits don’t stem from the same sources that differentiate good from great in the Big Bad ergo… the rules I’m used to can’t be applied verbatim. It’s further complicated when I question the premise itself, how the game is played here; what if I disagree?

There’s also the struggle of making friends and building new network. While I’m not shy, I tend to be very quiet and awkward in new crowds. I’m not interested to stand out so I don’t even attempt. I know how to make acquaintances –not so much friends. And whenever a group of friends seem way comfortable with each other, I lean away; I don’t know how to fit myself in. Maybe I expect too much from strangers. I’m probably also impatient. I’m not ‘lonely’ –or it’s difficult to articulate this loneliness, if I were to call it that. I’m hungry for genuinely meaningful, meaty conversations. I do alone well, but I’ve also never said no to worthwhile (lasting) company. I’m still working on this, though I can’t say it’s going well. But with everything else – I promise I’m trying. 

So here’s where I am, emotionally and professionally: a lot in-between …but I’m trying trying trying to view this “figuring things out” stage with glass half-full, not half-empty perspectives. And patience –lots of it. I’ve no answers (of course I don’t or I wouldn’t be writing this) but I promise that everyday, I try, sincerely, to be more than I was yesterday. 

To be honest, I’ve returned to this particular sentence all week:

I’m not ‘lonely’ –or it’s difficult to articulate this loneliness, if I were to call it that.

And the sentence that followed:

I’m hungry for genuinely meaningful, meaty conversations.

Now I’m thinking, does this mean I’m already setting myself up for disappointment? Because when, where – how – will I find this that I crave for? In my desperation, I keep questioning – (but) how?

It’s difficult to articulate this loneliness – if I were to call it that.

Because I’m fine, really, I am. I function on a day-to-day basis. I socialize in brief chatter and typical conversations-at-lunch in the office. I’m not really making friends unfortunately, but at least my colleagues are nice folks. I have my car, which means I’m mobile on my own without needing to depend on anyone – even if I still suck at reverse parking, so what? I can get by on my own, that’s most important.

I’m fine, really, I am.

But some evenings, on my rides back (alone), I go through these conversations in my head; if everything is fine, why do I feel constantly restless and agitated? I don’t feel lonely – I know what it feels and tastes like – and I don’t believe I am. But there’s a void inside of me that remains frustratingly agape since I arrived here three weeks ago. I keep reminding myself to be patient with myself, but paradoxically, I also deride myself for being so slow when it comes to building a new network.

On this same note, I am trying to live and exist more in the physical world. Because while my social media spaces are a comforting and mostly warm escapism hole; it is this physical world where I exist first. It’s here that I need to build a real life. It’s here that I need physical company; conversations over coffee; travel buddies…

It’s here, goddamnit, where I need to stay alive.

Sometimes it feels something like a death sentence; in silence and isolation-

I’m hungry, aching with need, for conversations that sustain my soul.

And that – that’s why it’s fucking difficult to articulate this loneliness.

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2 thoughts on ““It’s here, goddamnit, where I need to stay alive.”

  1. I think your dilemma is due to you not loving or liking yourself first. Though you acknowledged some of the things that you should feel you’re still striving to be like others to feel accepted. My advice is for you to identify your strengths and you have many of that so stop making yourself feel second best because you’re great!

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