on (the way to) becoming.

This was originally published on my personal Facebook aka the space that I’ve lately taken to writing and posting more than usual of my thoughts. For once, this blurb was specifically intended for that space but I’m sharing here too because this space documents the details of my self-awareness and personal struggles.

girl's survival kit -at 21

Third Sis gave me this when I turned twenty-one – a girl’s survival kit to growing up – which I hold dear in my heart and try to live by.

To be honest, I know that at some point if not already, I need to stop my daily vent-writing statuses here about this transition and new environment (I’m also aware there’s a small number of [insert my company name] folks – friends – in my friends list…)  …but to be even more honest, this virtual space is perhaps the most accessible and only familiar space I have right now. Some nights, my housemates – legit, all the sweetest – and I would spend the night just hanging out and chatting; again and again, I’d repeat stories of old of a past that sounds strangely increasingly far away and of a self that’s even more faraway. On days like today? I’ve no idea where she is anymore.

I think I keep writing and sharing blurbs here in truth not for anyone but myself. Because maybe the painfully honest truth is I’m a lot desperate and overwhelmed; I’m trying not to forget all the experiences that shaped me and thus what I’m capable of …because these days I’m having a hard time believing they happened – I happened. I know this is Facebook and sad things shouldn’t be parked here and maybe it is sadder to admit this out loud… but on days like today… the newness fucking drowns and I can’t for the life of me remember the girl I was – am – and what she was – is – capable of. So I leave notes here for my future (again) struggling self to someday retrieve in the same way I do so now. For me, this is a space that reminds me that there was a me that I actually liked, was happy and comfortable being. Sometimes I wish Rome really was built in a day just so I’ve evidence to hold on to that growth and progress need not be this fucking painful and confusing.

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