“Must courage always roar?”

I can’t believe I am turning into one of those people who say, “Work has kept me so busy from the blog, to write-”

Crap. I’ve become That Person.

I’m in emotional pain right now; highs and lows. It’s been an internally tough week. I wrote blurbs – back to those, on Facebook – and hey, here they are. I’m sorry this is what you get here – a sorry excuse for an update? – but they would’ve appeared here first. The themes this week were pretty much on the girl I was – she of the past – and life as a singleton, shared in a subsequent entry.  Consider these, complete with timestamps mind you, akin to diary entries:

February 17, 2016

On a day (like today) where I feel particularly critical about the present – myself in this present included – I struggle to reconcile the girl I was, so unabashed and loud, with the person I am now, seemingly always favoring silence and subtlety. For instance, “I don’t have stage fright,” I’d hear myself say – yet it would take me long beats before finally volunteering for a role onstage. Sometimes I recall that girl who chaired Monday assembly for an entire year at 16/17… now I keep stuttering in front of crowds. In a roomful of people, where my voice once thundered and echoed, filling the void – now I’m hardly noticeable, my presence barely felt. It isn’t visibility that I seek, wanting to be the center of attention –no. I’m just- I think I’m confused; whatever happened to me? Today I’m even a little angry. Is it self-confidence that I’ve lost, misplaced? But what if I feel more settled and at ease with the person I am now -must confidence always blare and call attention? Must it always be the most outspoken person or ‘person-in-charge’? Presence though… one can be quiet yet have a distinct and strong presence. And maybe that’s really what frustrates me about the person I am now – all that thunder from before; why am I barely even a whimper now? Can I really blame adulthood and growth -isn’t this just me, all me?

I share stories from my growing up years with the intern who’s living me with now; I wonder if she feels the disconnect. Does she secretly wonder, “Are the stories really about the same person or is she… making things up?”

Must courage always roar?

February 18, 2016

“I am alone in the midst of these happy, reasonable voices. All these creatures spend their time explaining, realizing happily that they agree with each other. In Heaven’s name, why is it so important to think the same things all together.”
— Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea

February 19, 2016

So… today… actually… I co-emceed the company’s Chinese New Year celebratory event and I… sigh. Maybe I really wasn’t that bad -but I was definitely not my best…? Okay, I know, I know – I’m my worse enemy. (“No one really cares, N! You’re overthinking by yourself!”) Rome was not built in a day …but what if I feel like, (did you know) I had Rome in my hands at one point in my life; whatever happened to my grip on it?

Am I constantly disappointed of myself because I set myself against my past self – she who was unabashed and loud and enjoyed the stage – to the point that all I remember is how good I was in these things and therefore, how much I grossly suck at them now? …Or is it simply that I have self-expectations in everything that I do – an internal standards of sorts – and thus constantly feel disappointed for falling short?

The company loves to emphasize the need to be ‘visible’ -but honest, I’m not interested in that. My aim isn’t to impress anyone – I’m just trying (really hard) to retrieve my former self. I desperately want her back; she was forward and loud and brave in all the ways I no longer am. But am I… playing the game all wrong? Am I just being silly because frankly, I’m chasing after a shadow? (She’s not here anymore) I know… maybe the reality is simple, so simple: I need to let her go. Whether or not she was the better version of myself is now irrelevant – but how does one rebuild oneself when one’s former self was the better, not worse, version?

How do I move… forward?

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